Sidekick Suck

Last week, Organic Mechanic be­gan a new se­ries which seeks to ex­plore a va­ri­ety of the fas­ci­nat­ing and con­tro­ver­sial fig­ures of the 21st cen­tu­ry. Our first in­ter­view was with the in­fa­mous and rarely-in­ter­viewed Captain Spacepants. Today we in­ter­view his part­ner-in-crime of 15 years, Sidekick Suck – mas­ter of suck­age, con­tro­ver­sial per­for­mance artist, and au­thor of the phrase “Suck it” which has re­cent­ly re­gained pop­u­lar­i­ty in the char­ac­ter of Karen Walker on Will & Grace.

OM: As you know, Sidekick Suck, two weeks ago we at OM were af­ford­ed the rare op­por­tu­ni­ty of in­ter­view­ing Captain Spacepants. Now, you’ve been Captain Spacepants’ side­kick for 13 years. Is that cor­rect?

SS: Smp smp. Smp smp.

OM: My bad. Looks like we need some new fact-check­ers over here at OM. (chuck­ling) Anyways, in lieu of your 15-year re­la­tion­ship with Captain Spacepants, how did you feel when you found out that Spacepants didn’t men­tion you even once in the course of his in­ter­view?

SS (gri­mac­ing): Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp; smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Was this ar­gu­ment what led to your fi­nal falling out and even­tu­al es­trange­ment? Or was it hav­ing to live in the shad­ow of some­one with such long-last­ing no­to­ri­ety that did it in?

SS: Smp smp! Smp smp smp: smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp, “Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp!”

OM: Okay. Well… then let me change the sub­ject.
Now your arch-neme­ses are the Committee on Moral Taste which has gone so far as to threat­en both of your lives be­cause of your “crimes against hu­man progress.” Spacepants’ goal is more of a gen­er­al sort, (and I quote) to “make the world more tol­er­ant of those it con­sid­ers ‘in bad taste.’” Now, as his side­kick, and as a well-re­spect­ed per­for­mance artist as well, your work’s goals are more spe­cif­ic… Given your sa­vant-like tal­ents in the world of suck­ing, your goal be­came to “nor­mal­ize” the world of sex­u­al “de­vian­cy” and to raise aware­ness about our ever-present mor­tal­i­ty by bring­ing these is­sues back again and again in­to the pub­lic light, through both your art and your role as side­kick. What kind of op­po­si­tion have you met against this?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. 

OM: Yes, quite sim­i­lar to that of Mapplethorpe. However, de­spite your best ef­forts, your work on­ly seems to raise the hack­les on your enemy’s (as well as the gen­er­al public’s) neck. Might there be a more ef­fec­tive way to tack­le the no­tions of sex and death that would more suc­cess­ful­ly take away some of their taboo? 

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Intriguing. I sup­pose I’d nev­er quite thought of it that way.

SS: Smp smp. (grin­ning)

OM: Now – and I’m sure you were ex­pect­ing this ques­tion at some point – your su­per­heroic tal­ent has to do with the mon­strous size of your mouth, cor­rect?

SS: Smp.

OM: I’ve heard that it can ex­pand to a shock­ing width of some 3 feet and a height of 2.5 feet, a trait that has made you pop­u­lar with both the ladies (giv­en your 6-foot long tongue and its four ex­tra mus­cles) and the fel­lows, but rather un­pop­u­lar with your en­e­mies.

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Really? Well, I won­der if you might give us a demon­stra­tion. I know our read­ers at home can­not see what you will be do­ing, but we can do our best to de­scribe it.

SS: Smp. 

Sidekick Suck stands up on his chair. His jaw un­latch­es and his mouth opens to a re­mark­able width. His eyes and nose are blot­ted out like the sun dur­ing a so­lar eclipse. As though his face en­cir­cles a black­hole, large ob­jects start to grav­i­tate quick­ly to­wards it and he is forced to quick­ly close it.

OM: Impressive! So I no­ticed that your jaw un­latch­es like a snake. But how does the whole suc­tion-thing work?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Wow. Just like a black­hole but you can turn the pow­er on and off. Amazing.

SS: Smp smp.

OM: And the di­ges­tion process?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. 

OM: This is one of the points of op­po­si­tion against you, no? The fact that some claim you are a “vig­i­lante,” a “boun­ty hunter,” tak­ing the law in­to your own hands and forc­ing your en­e­mies to suf­fer hor­ri­ble deaths?

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: True.
Now giv­en the way your jaw un­latch­es like that of a snake and giv­en the Hoover-like pow­er that comes from such a large mouth, ru­mor has it that this could not pos­si­bly be due to a ge­net­ic anom­aly. That you in fact had your face sur­gi­cal­ly-al­tered on your quest for pop­u­lar­i­ty in what first be­gan as per­for­mance art but lat­er evolved in­to quests of a more su­per-hero­ic na­ture. Is this true?

SS (sigh­ing): Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Your moth­er died while breast­feed­ing you? My god, what a hor­ri­ble tragedy. I ex­tend my sym­pa­thies to you and your fa­ther. What that must’ve been like grow­ing up…

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Just a few more ques­tions be­fore you go, as I know you’re on a tight sched­ule and have a per­for­mance piece you are putting on in front of the capi­tol build­ing in just a cou­ple of hours… You were, in fact, the rea­son for the resur­gence in pop­u­lar­i­ty of the 69 po­si­tion, cor­rect, af­ter a mishap at one of your per­for­mances in the late ‘80s?

SS (chuck­ling): Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: And your book, How the Ladies Moan: Memoirs of a Ladies’ Man which was on the best­seller list for over two months…

SS: Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: In your mem­oirs, do you ad­dress any ru­mors about whether you and Captain Spacepants ever shared more than just a “work” re­la­tion­ship, per­haps a tor­rid ro­mance that led to the dis­so­lu­tion of your su­per­heroic duo? And would you like to dis­cuss this top­ic a bit more, clear up any ru­mors that have been cir­cu­lat­ing, that kind of thing?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp.

OM:knew there had to be some sort of perk to that ra­dioac­tive green mo­hawk!

SS and OM share a hearty laugh.

OM: Final ques­tion… Inquiring minds would like to know why it is that you on­ly talk in suck­ing nois­es. This log­i­cal­ly makes very lit­tle sense since a) it im­plies that I (an ig­no­rant, cul­tur­al­ly close-mind­ed American) know your lan­guage (suck-ese?) and am able to con­verse with you, b) it makes one won­der why we failed to write in a trans­la­tor to trans­late, and c) it seems to be a cheap and des­per­ate at­tempt to get laughs (which I’m guess­ing are go­ing to be few and far be­tween nonethe­less) .

SS: I don’t know ac­tu­al­ly. Ask the crazy bitch who con­coct­ed this in­ter­view. Oops. I mean, smp smp.

This in­ter­view was con­duct­ed by Miss Lauren Spisak, that crazy bitch over at My Defective Life. The views ex­pressed should have been yours but aren’t since she wrote them first. The in­ter­view is un­der her copy­right. It’s just pub­lished here.