Sidekick Suck

Last week, Organic Mechanic began a new series which seeks to explore a variety of the fascinating and controversial figures of the 21st century. Our first interview was with the infamous and rarely-​interviewed Captain Spacepants. Today we interview his partner-​in-​crime of 15 years, Sidekick Suck – master of suckage, controversial performance artist, and author of the phrase “Suck it” which has recently regained popularity in the character of Karen Walker on Will & Grace.

OM: As you know, Sidekick Suck, two weeks ago we at OM were afforded the rare opportunity of interviewing Captain Spacepants. Now, you’ve been Captain Spacepants’ sidekick for 13 years. Is that correct?

SS: Smp smp. Smp smp.

OM: My bad. Looks like we need some new fact-​checkers over here at OM. (chuckling) Anyways, in lieu of your 15-year relationship with Captain Spacepants, how did you feel when you found out that Spacepants didn’t mention you even once in the course of his interview?

SS (grimacing): Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp; smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Was this argument what led to your final falling out and eventual estrangement? Or was it having to live in the shadow of someone with such long-​lasting notoriety that did it in?

SS: Smp smp! Smp smp smp: smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp, “Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp!”

OM: Okay. Well… then let me change the subject.
Now your arch-​nemeses are the Committee on Moral Taste which has gone so far as to threaten both of your lives because of your “crimes against human progress.” Spacepants’ goal is more of a general sort, (and I quote) to “make the world more tolerant of those it considers ‘in bad taste.’” Now, as his sidekick, and as a well-​respected performance artist as well, your work’s goals are more specific… Given your savant-​like talents in the world of sucking, your goal became to “normalize” the world of sexual “deviancy” and to raise awareness about our ever-​present mortality by bringing these issues back again and again into the public light, through both your art and your role as sidekick. What kind of opposition have you met against this?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Yes, quite similar to that of Mapplethorpe. However, despite your best efforts, your work only seems to raise the hackles on your enemy’s (as well as the general public’s) neck. Might there be a more effective way to tackle the notions of sex and death that would more successfully take away some of their taboo?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Intriguing. I suppose I’d never quite thought of it that way.

SS: Smp smp. (grinning)

OM: Now – and I’m sure you were expecting this question at some point – your superheroic talent has to do with the monstrous size of your mouth, correct?

SS: Smp.

OM: I’ve heard that it can expand to a shocking width of some 3 feet and a height of 2.5 feet, a trait that has made you popular with both the ladies (given your 6-​foot long tongue and its four extra muscles) and the fellows, but rather unpopular with your enemies.

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Really? Well, I wonder if you might give us a demonstration. I know our readers at home cannot see what you will be doing, but we can do our best to describe it.

SS: Smp.

Sidekick Suck stands up on his chair. His jaw unlatches and his mouth opens to a remarkable width. His eyes and nose are blotted out like the sun during a solar eclipse. As though his face encircles a blackhole, large objects start to gravitate quickly towards it and he is forced to quickly close it.

OM: Impressive! So I noticed that your jaw unlatches like a snake. But how does the whole suction-​thing work?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Wow. Just like a blackhole but you can turn the power on and off. Amazing.

SS: Smp smp.

OM: And the digestion process?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: This is one of the points of opposition against you, no? The fact that some claim you are a “vigilante,” a “bounty hunter,” taking the law into your own hands and forcing your enemies to suffer horrible deaths?

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: True.
Now given the way your jaw unlatches like that of a snake and given the Hoover-​like power that comes from such a large mouth, rumor has it that this could not possibly be due to a genetic anomaly. That you in fact had your face surgically-​altered on your quest for popularity in what first began as performance art but later evolved into quests of a more super-​heroic nature. Is this true?

SS (sighing): Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Your mother died while breastfeeding you? My god, what a horrible tragedy. I extend my sympathies to you and your father. What that must’ve been like growing up…

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Just a few more questions before you go, as I know you’re on a tight schedule and have a performance piece you are putting on in front of the capitol building in just a couple of hours… You were, in fact, the reason for the resurgence in popularity of the 69 position, correct, after a mishap at one of your performances in the late ‘80s?

SS (chuckling): Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: And your book, How the Ladies Moan: Memoirs of a Ladies’ Man which was on the bestseller list for over two months…

SS: Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: In your memoirs, do you address any rumors about whether you and Captain Spacepants ever shared more than just a “work” relationship, perhaps a torrid romance that led to the dissolution of your superheroic duo? And would you like to discuss this topic a bit more, clear up any rumors that have been circulating, that kind of thing?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp.

OM:knew there had to be some sort of perk to that radioactive green mohawk!

SS and OM share a hearty laugh.

OM: Final question… Inquiring minds would like to know why it is that you only talk in sucking noises. This logically makes very little sense since a) it implies that I (an ignorant, culturally close-​minded American) know your language (suck-​ese?) and am able to converse with you, b) it makes one wonder why we failed to write in a translator to translate, and c) it seems to be a cheap and desperate attempt to get laughs (which I’m guessing are going to be few and far between nonetheless) .

SS: I don’t know actually. Ask the crazy bitch who concocted this interview. Oops. I mean, smp smp.

This interview was conducted by Miss Lauren Spisak, that crazy bitch over at My Defective Life. The views expressed should have been yours but aren’t since she wrote them first. The interview is under her copyright. It’s just published here.

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