Sidekick Suck

Last week, Organ­ic Mechan­ic began a new series which seeks to explore a vari­ety of the fas­ci­nat­ing and con­tro­ver­sial fig­ures of the 21st cen­tu­ry. Our first inter­view was with the infa­mous and rarely-inter­viewed Cap­tain Spacepants. Today we inter­view his part­ner-in-crime of 15 years, Side­kick Suck–master of suck­age, con­tro­ver­sial per­for­mance artist, and author of the phrase “Suck it” which has recent­ly regained pop­u­lar­i­ty in the char­ac­ter of Karen Walk­er on Will & Grace.

OM: As you know, Side­kick Suck, two weeks ago we at OM were afford­ed the rare oppor­tu­ni­ty of inter­view­ing Cap­tain Spacepants. Now, you’ve been Cap­tain Spacepants’ side­kick for 13 years. Is that cor­rect?

SS: Smp smp. Smp smp.

OM: My bad. Looks like we need some new fact-check­ers over here at OM. (chuck­ling) Any­ways, in lieu of your 15-year rela­tion­ship with Cap­tain Spacepants, how did you feel when you found out that Spacepants didn’t men­tion you even once in the course of his inter­view?

SS (gri­mac­ing): Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp; smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Was this argu­ment what led to your final falling out and even­tu­al estrange­ment? Or was it hav­ing to live in the shad­ow of some­one with such long-last­ing noto­ri­ety that did it in?

SS: Smp smp! Smp smp smp: smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp, “Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp!”

OM: Okay. Well… then let me change the sub­ject.
Now your arch-neme­ses are the Com­mit­tee on Moral Taste which has gone so far as to threat­en both of your lives because of your “crimes against human progress.” Spacepants’ goal is more of a gen­er­al sort, (and I quote) to “make the world more tol­er­ant of those it con­sid­ers ‘in bad taste.’” Now, as his side­kick, and as a well-respect­ed per­for­mance artist as well, your work’s goals are more spe­cif­ic… Giv­en your savant-like tal­ents in the world of suck­ing, your goal became to “nor­mal­ize” the world of sex­u­al “devian­cy” and to raise aware­ness about our ever-present mor­tal­i­ty by bring­ing these issues back again and again into the pub­lic light, through both your art and your role as side­kick. What kind of oppo­si­tion have you met against this?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Yes, quite sim­i­lar to that of Map­plethor­pe. How­ev­er, despite your best efforts, your work only seems to raise the hack­les on your enemy’s (as well as the gen­er­al public’s) neck. Might there be a more effec­tive way to tack­le the notions of sex and death that would more suc­cess­ful­ly take away some of their taboo?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Intrigu­ing. I sup­pose I’d nev­er quite thought of it that way.

SS: Smp smp. (grin­ning)

OM: Now–and I’m sure you were expect­ing this ques­tion at some point–your super­heroic tal­ent has to do with the mon­strous size of your mouth, cor­rect?

SS: Smp.

OM: I’ve heard that it can expand to a shock­ing width of some 3 feet and a height of 2.5 feet, a trait that has made you pop­u­lar with both the ladies (giv­en your 6-foot long tongue and its four extra mus­cles) and the fel­lows, but rather unpop­u­lar with your ene­mies.

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Real­ly? Well, I won­der if you might give us a demon­stra­tion. I know our read­ers at home can­not see what you will be doing, but we can do our best to describe it.

SS: Smp.

Side­kick Suck stands up on his chair. His jaw unlatch­es and his mouth opens to a remark­able width. His eyes and nose are blot­ted out like the sun dur­ing a solar eclipse. As though his face encir­cles a black­hole, large objects start to grav­i­tate quick­ly towards it and he is forced to quick­ly close it.

OM: Impres­sive! So I noticed that your jaw unlatch­es like a snake. But how does the whole suc­tion-thing work?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Wow. Just like a black­hole but you can turn the pow­er on and off. Amaz­ing.

SS: Smp smp.

OM: And the diges­tion process?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: This is one of the points of oppo­si­tion against you, no? The fact that some claim you are a “vig­i­lante,” a “boun­ty hunter,” tak­ing the law into your own hands and forc­ing your ene­mies to suf­fer hor­ri­ble deaths?

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: True.
Now giv­en the way your jaw unlatch­es like that of a snake and giv­en the Hoover-like pow­er that comes from such a large mouth, rumor has it that this could not pos­si­bly be due to a genet­ic anom­aly. That you in fact had your face sur­gi­cal­ly-altered on your quest for pop­u­lar­i­ty in what first began as per­for­mance art but lat­er evolved into quests of a more super-hero­ic nature. Is this true?

SS (sigh­ing): Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Your moth­er died while breast­feed­ing you? My god, what a hor­ri­ble tragedy. I extend my sym­pa­thies to you and your father. What that must’ve been like grow­ing up…

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Just a few more ques­tions before you go, as I know you’re on a tight sched­ule and have a per­for­mance piece you are putting on in front of the capi­tol build­ing in just a cou­ple of hours… You were, in fact, the rea­son for the resur­gence in pop­u­lar­i­ty of the 69 posi­tion, cor­rect, after a mishap at one of your per­for­mances in the late ‘80s?

SS (chuck­ling): Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: And your book, How the Ladies Moan: Mem­oirs of a Ladies’ Man which was on the best­seller list for over two months…

SS: Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: In your mem­oirs, do you address any rumors about whether you and Cap­tain Spacepants ever shared more than just a “work” rela­tion­ship, per­haps a tor­rid romance that led to the dis­so­lu­tion of your super­heroic duo? And would you like to dis­cuss this top­ic a bit more, clear up any rumors that have been cir­cu­lat­ing, that kind of thing?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp.

OM: I knew there had to be some sort of perk to that radioac­tive green mohawk!

SS and OM share a hearty laugh.

OM: Final ques­tion… Inquir­ing minds would like to know why it is that you only talk in suck­ing nois­es. This log­i­cal­ly makes very lit­tle sense since a) it implies that I (an igno­rant, cul­tur­al­ly close-mind­ed Amer­i­can) know your lan­guage (suck-ese?) and am able to con­verse with you, b) it makes one won­der why we failed to write in a trans­la­tor to trans­late, and c) it seems to be a cheap and des­per­ate attempt to get laughs (which I’m guess­ing are going to be few and far between nonethe­less) .

SS: I don’t know actu­al­ly. Ask the crazy bitch who con­coct­ed this inter­view. Oops. I mean, smp smp.

This inter­view was con­duct­ed by Miss Lau­ren Spisak, that crazy bitch over at My Defec­tive Life. The views expressed should have been yours but aren’t since she wrote them first. The inter­view is under her copy­right. It’s just pub­lished here.