Comments on: A Letter to Mayfair Apartments

By: genevieve

genevieve — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:00:00 +0000

I think it sounds good. You should contact the Cleveland Tenants Association (google for that and you should find their website). Their site has all sorts of sample legal documents (which I suppose you could get at work too) and they exist to help in matters like these.

By: Lauren

Lauren — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:00:00 +0000

Second paragraph, you need a comma before “to top it off,”.

In the third paragraph, I would break into a new paragraph when you switch to talking about the whole “window incident” and maybe have a transitional phrase at the beginning like “Also” or “On another occasion.”

And finally, I really really really would try to shorten it a lot–make it more concise. I’m not saying to dumb it down necessarily, but realize that whoever is gonna be reading this is NOT GONNA WANT TO BE READING IT because it’s saying something they don’t wanna hear. So they’re going to be naturally disposed to glossing through it to get to the end unless you keep their interest. And if you talk so lengthily about everything, you’re gonna lose their interest quickly.

All the points you bring up are good ones. Maybe just try some bulleting of your examples and making them more concise and that kinda thing. That way it’ll also have more force.

That help?

By: jmay

jmay — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:00:00 +0000

So, the living conditions last summer weren’t quite so bad? I’m sorry to hear that you have to put up with so much crap. Do the apartments feel a bit like some of the bleaker novels from the cold war era depictions of the future? i.e. 1984, A Clockwork Orange, etc.

By: harvey

harvey — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:00:00 +0000

Thanks Genevieve, that site is helpful.

Thanks Lauren, those are good point. It is mostly a rant at this stage.

your house was fine jmay.

and yes. except crappier.

By: harvey

harvey — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:00:00 +0000

Cleveland Tenant Thinger.