Guest Blogger

This has been one crazy week. Abraham’s reg­u­lar babysit­ter has been in the hos­pi­tal for over a week now, and he’s been shut­tled all over the place (includ­ing a new tem­po­rary babysit­ter) until DeeDee is back home. I’ve been bak­ing in every spare moment, and work has been hec­tic with last-minute high-pri­or­i­ty site build­ing. So. I’m gonna sit back and let Bram type the rest of this post.

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Guest Blog: A Not so Album Review

hi every­one. im phil, adams friend that is stuck in con­nersville. ill get out one of these days. i thought and thought about what to do in here today, but i could­nt get any­thing togeth­er, so i just went through all my old note­books and picked out some­thing i wrote a long time ago (10–27-01 to be exact). i dont claim to be good, but here it is any­way.

hi. its me. you know me but you dont know who i am. i have so much to say to you, but no words to say it. i try and try and try to say some­thing, but noth­ing comes out. i try to write it, but noth­ing comes out. some­days its because of fear, some­days its because ive got a low self opin­ion, man. can you hear me? im talk­ing to you. again, you cant hear me. im not talk­ing out loud. its all in my head again. my eyes cant help but stare, but you dont know that. my heart reach­es out, but its stopped short by a lack of words. some­day soon i hope my heart can reach out all the way. i want to make a con­nec­tion.

there you go. its not too long, so i did­nt waste too much of your time. i was going to write a review of the album by the pieces, but i nev­er got around to that and it was crunch time. maybe ill do that one of these days.

Guest Blog: Political Biography

The Rant­i­ng of a (for­mer) Kansan: or How I Became a Con­ser­v­a­tive Lib­er­tar­i­an Com­mu­nist.

Well Adam asked for some sort of social-polit­i­cal post, so I?m going to rant on my polit­i­cal back­ground, as a sort of foot in the door for future polit­i­cal rants in this space.

First let me say that I am social­ly fair­ly con­ser­v­a­tive. This imme­di­ate­ly seems to get me labeled as a Repub­li­can. Which is some­thing I tend to hate, because Repub­li­cans are way too rabid toward abor­tion and the death penal­ty for my taste. This is where my strong lib­er­tar­i­an streak comes in. I don?t believe that the Gov­ern­ment should insert itself into our lives. Which is to say that while I believe that abor­tion is wrong, I?m not going to go out and bomb a clin­ic or make a big push to make it ille­gal. I also am opposed to gay mar­riage, but only in the sense that mar­riage is a reli­gious insti­tu­tion. I believe that the gov­ern­ment can make a legal ?union? but not a mar­riage. So I think that if you are homo­sex­u­al and you want to ?mar­ry? then you just need to be a part of a church that believes in that sort of thing and you can get mar­ried and the gov­ern­ment should rec­og­nize the union in the same way that my mar­riage is rec­og­nized by the state of Kansas (and all oth­er states via the due faith and cred­it clause of the con­sti­tu­tion). It is eas­i­er to say that I live a con­ser­v­a­tive lifestyle in gen­er­al and I do not preach myself as supe­ri­or (but yet I preach thus the post), nor do I wish to impart my beliefs on any­one (out­side of my fam­i­ly of course).

The Lib­er­tar­i­an aspect has already been touched on in the above para­graph, but I?m going to expand on these beliefs a bit as well. I believe in free­dom and lib­er­ty as spelled out in the Dec­la­ra­tion of Inde­pen­dence, the Con­sti­tu­tion, and the Bill of Rights. I think that a large, cen­tral­ized gov­ern­ment is a bad thing. The Fed­er­al gov­ern­ment should devolve much of it?s pow­er back to the states and the local gov­ern­ment. I feel that the peo­ple should be free to express their ideas, prac­tice their beliefs, and be involved with their com­mu­ni­ty. I believe that gov­ern­men­tal con­trol of people?s lives is almost always a bad thing.

The one part of the my polit­i­cal agen­da that runs con­trary to my oth­er beliefs is the com­mu­nism part. By com­mu­nism, I am not talk­ing Stal­in, Lenin, the Red Men­ace, and com­mie pinko bas­tards. When I say com­mu­nism, I?m mean­ing it in more of a true com­mune sort of way. The gap between the tru­ly wealthy and the rest of the peo­ple has stretched beyond belief. The poor­est peo­ple in this coun­try can­not hope for a change in their sit­u­a­tion for sev­er­al gen­er­a­tions if they are lucky, they are beat down upon by a very broad­ly defined mid­dle class. Mid­dle class in this coun­try starts at being ?fair­ly com­fort­able? (i.e. food on the table, roof over head) and runs all the way up to ?fair­ly wealthy?. This includes peo­ple who say they are ?upper mid­dle class?(Doctors, most lawyers and oth­er pro­fes­sion­als). The mid­dle class peo­ple can move a bit either up and down the lad­der, but it is much, much eas­i­er for them to fall into the ?poor? range. To be tru­ly wealthy you must also wield a great deal of pow­er. I?m not just talk­ing about polit­i­cal pow­er like the Bush fam­i­ly, but also pow­er to con­trol the media, and the pow­er to keep politi­cians in their pock­ets. The last 24 years have seen a schism in how the ?lib­er­al? democ­rats and ?con­ser­v­a­tive? repub­li­cans do busi­ness. The democ­rats (Clin­ton) did more to reign in nation­al debt and out of con­trol spend­ing, while the repub­li­cans (Rea­gan, Bush­es) have been irre­spon­si­ble and increased spend­ing and cut tax­es on the rich.

If Adam lets me come back to do anoth­er appear­ance, I will point out how, while 20 years lat­er than pre­dict­ed, many of the items in Orwell?s 1984 are clos­er than you think.

Guest Blog: Book Review

My Book Review

by Lau­ren Spisak

The book I read is called Spike Mike Reloaded: A Guid­ed Tour Across a Decade of Amer­i­can Inde­pen­dent Cin­e­ma by John Pier­son and Kevin Smith. It is a good book. It is long though. I think like 400 pages. Can you believe it! In it they use big words that my mom has to explain to me some­times, like “Cannes” and “inde­pen­dent” and “enter­prise” and “usu­al­ly.” But I am learn­ing a lot about how peo­ple make movies. It is hard. Some peo­ple spend a lot of mon­ey on mak­ing a movie. Some peo­ple make movies about dumb things like the s-e-x word or about a guy named Roger. I have a friend named Roger. He is albi­no though. If I ever make a movie, it will be about robots. In my book they also talk about black peo­ple and some­thing called “les­bians.” I have a friend who is black. Her name is Char­lene. My mom said it is good to be nice to peo­ple of dif­fer­ent col­ors. She also said “les­bians” are not right and will end up in h-e-l-l. I am afraid of les­bians. They sound mean. Mom­my will not tell me what they are, but I am afraid one will hide under my bed at night and then sneak out when I fall asleep and eat me and my Mom will cry and lots of peo­ple will come to my funer­al and they will say, “Poor Lau­ren. The les­bian got her.” But the man who wrote my book says les­bians make good movies, so maybe they aren’t TOO bad after all. Or maybe HE is a les­bian too! The book also has lots of things about mon­ey in it. I wish I had more mon­ey. I would buy lots of toys with it if I did–like a G.I. Joe doll or a Bar­bie (maybe one with grow­able hair!). Or I would make a movie about robots. 300 lady robots that take over the world! The main robot’s name would be Char­lene and she would shoot fire­balls from her eyes. The fire­balls would not kill peo­ple though. It would just make them dance the robot-dance. Robots are cool. I have three dol­lars saved up right now. I hide it from my broth­er Petey. He ate two quar­ters I saved one time.

THE END

Dastardly Dan

Today Organ­ic Mechan­ic mag­a­zine brings you the first install­ment of the vil­lain­ous side of our Heroes and Vil­lains of the New Mil­len­ni­um Series. Pre­vi­ous inter­views with Cap­tain Spacepants and Side­kick Suck have now been linked to.

Organ­ic Mechan­ic: Das­tard­ly Dan, that is an inter­est­ing name. How did you come up with Das­tard­ly Dan?

Das­tard­ly Dan: Well, I was born Richard Klipslophski…er, well, the cat’s out of the bag now isn’t it? See? That is why I nev­er do these inter­views. I just end up say­ing things I shouldn’t, like my legal name. Now what? Great. So, any­ways, yeah, now that the cat’s out­ta the bag, I was born Richard Klip– Wait. Can you? Will you edit this part out for me? Not put it in the inter­view? I mean seri­ous­ly. The last thing I need is some­one know­ing my for­mal name. You know, I may be a crim­i­nal mas­ter­mind, but I, too, am fear­ful of iden­ti­ty theft. Plus, on top of that, I am still want­ed for some pet­ty theft I com­mit­ted when I was 18. So, could you edit…

OM: We could.

DD: But will you?

OM: I’ll check with my edi­tor.

DD: Ok, thanks. I’d appre­ci­ate that. And you don’t know how much I would appre­ci­ate that. It’d be a big help to me, real­ly. I just don’t want my name out there, you know. Once it’s out it’s like a whole big thing I don’t wan­na have to deal with, real­ly. Every­one will swarm on my fam­i­ly, and mom and pop don’t real­ly need that. It’s best that I just go by my new name Das­tard­ly Dan. So. Can we start this inter­view again?

OM: Sure.

DD: Ok. And, thanks again. I real­ly appre­ci­ate it.

OM: So, Das­tard­ly Dan. That is an inter­est­ing name. Where’d you get it?

DD: Well, I was born Richard– Dammit. DAMMIT. See. Now I did it again. This isn’t… Ok, can we pick up from here? You’ll edit this out right?

OM: Sure.

DD: Ok. Well, I have gone by oth­er names. In my youth I was Pete the Wicked, but that sound­ed too pirate-like. Then I changed my name to Sal­vadore the Slip­pery-One, but the guys at the Vil­lian Local 134 gave me hell about that one. When I start­ed steal­ing nuclear waste from pow­er­plants in Super­trop­o­lis, I went my the name “Green Meanie,” but that didn’t catch on and I was lam­pooned in the papers all the time. Then, going through a fam­i­ly scrap­book, I found that my great uncle was a cat­tle rustler dur­ing the McKin­ley admin­is­tra­tion, and he went by the name Das­tard­ly Dan. I fig­ured I’d adopt it and bring the tra­di­tion back.

OM: But you don’t steal cat­tle.

DD: No. My plot is to take over the world, hav­ing all of its inhab­i­tants turned to slaves, min­ing for salt­peter in an effort to build a gun pow­er­ful enough to shoot a rock­et-sized bul­let at the moon, caus­ing the said satel­lite to explode, send­ing mil­lions of frag­ments of the once heav­en­ly body into orbit around the earth, mak­ing the night sky on this plan­et the dark­est it has even been, and then rul­ing the world with pure evil.

OM: Sounds like quite a plan.

DD: It is.

OM: And how do you finance all of this.

DD: I have a Mas­ter­card.

OM: A Mas­ter­card?

DD: Yes, see, it’s right here (Takes out card. It’s account num­ber is 3445–4500-0000–6666.)

OM: I see.

DD: Yes. It’ help– Wait. You didn’t write down the account num­ber did you?

OM: The account num­ber?

DD: For the Mas­ter­card?

OM: No.

DD: Ok. Well, you’d need the expi­ra­tion date, too, 9/08. Wait, I shouldn’t have said that. Can you…?

OM: Edit? I’ll check with the edi­tor.

DD: And you DIDN’T write down the account num­ber, right? I thought I saw you writ­ing some­thing…

OM: Just what you say, real­ly. Some notes.

DD: Ok.

OM: So you are well known for your evil laugh. Can we hear it?

DD: Oh, come on, I’m embar­rassed?

OM: Just once?

DD: Ok. Ok. (bash­ful­ly) Mwa­ha­ha­ha­ha­ha­ha­ha­ha! (echoes)

OM: That is some evil laugh. Chill­ing, real­ly.

DD: Thank you.

OM: Some­thing both­er­ing you?

DD: Yeah. Are you sure you’ll edit out the part with my for­mal name?

OM: Sure.

DD: And you didn’t take my cred­it card num­ber, right?

OM: Just some notes.

DD: Ok. I just wor­ry. I have a rep­u­ta­tion you know, for evil. It’ll be hard to focus on my evil exploits when I am wor­ry­ing about iden­ti­ty theft and things like that.

OM: Under­stand­able.

DD: I have an appoint­ment to keep. How long will this inter­view last?

OM: As long as you want it to.

DD: Ok, one more ques­tion.

OM: Ok. Giv­en the cur­rent socio-polit­i­cal cli­mate in the Unit­ed States, and giv­en the fact that a scant 35% of all reg­is­tered vot­ers actu­al­ly reg­u­lar­ly take part in the elec­tion process, to what do you account the fact that the nation, which sta­tis­ti­cal­ly is so polit­i­cal­ly divid­ed, is actu­al­ly rep­re­sent­ed in the media as a left-lean­ing, lib­er­al soci­ety, most like­ly to accept things like gay mar­riage, gun con­trol, and abor­tion rights?

DD: (blank stare)

OM: Thank you for your time Das­tard­ly Dan.

DD: You are SURE you will edit this?

OM: Thank you, Das­tard­ly Dan.

DD: Ok. Yes. You are wel­come. God, I hope you edit this.

This inter­view was con­duct­ed by one Eric M., a man in all ways juici­er than your aver­age avo­ca­do. The views expressed in this arti­cle are not nec­es­sar­i­ly the views held by any­one any­where at any time. This inter­view is under his copy­right. It just appears here. Yea ver­i­ly, all your base are belong to us.

Sidekick Suck

Last week, Organ­ic Mechan­ic began a new series which seeks to explore a vari­ety of the fas­ci­nat­ing and con­tro­ver­sial fig­ures of the 21st cen­tu­ry. Our first inter­view was with the infa­mous and rarely-inter­viewed Cap­tain Spacepants. Today we inter­view his part­ner-in-crime of 15 years, Side­kick Suck–master of suck­age, con­tro­ver­sial per­for­mance artist, and author of the phrase “Suck it” which has recent­ly regained pop­u­lar­i­ty in the char­ac­ter of Karen Walk­er on Will & Grace.

OM: As you know, Side­kick Suck, two weeks ago we at OM were afford­ed the rare oppor­tu­ni­ty of inter­view­ing Cap­tain Spacepants. Now, you’ve been Cap­tain Spacepants’ side­kick for 13 years. Is that cor­rect?

SS: Smp smp. Smp smp.

OM: My bad. Looks like we need some new fact-check­ers over here at OM. (chuck­ling) Any­ways, in lieu of your 15-year rela­tion­ship with Cap­tain Spacepants, how did you feel when you found out that Spacepants didn’t men­tion you even once in the course of his inter­view?

SS (gri­mac­ing): Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp; smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Was this argu­ment what led to your final falling out and even­tu­al estrange­ment? Or was it hav­ing to live in the shad­ow of some­one with such long-last­ing noto­ri­ety that did it in?

SS: Smp smp! Smp smp smp: smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp, “Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp!”

OM: Okay. Well… then let me change the sub­ject.
Now your arch-neme­ses are the Com­mit­tee on Moral Taste which has gone so far as to threat­en both of your lives because of your “crimes against human progress.” Spacepants’ goal is more of a gen­er­al sort, (and I quote) to “make the world more tol­er­ant of those it con­sid­ers ‘in bad taste.’” Now, as his side­kick, and as a well-respect­ed per­for­mance artist as well, your work’s goals are more spe­cif­ic… Giv­en your savant-like tal­ents in the world of suck­ing, your goal became to “nor­mal­ize” the world of sex­u­al “devian­cy” and to raise aware­ness about our ever-present mor­tal­i­ty by bring­ing these issues back again and again into the pub­lic light, through both your art and your role as side­kick. What kind of oppo­si­tion have you met against this?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Yes, quite sim­i­lar to that of Map­plethor­pe. How­ev­er, despite your best efforts, your work only seems to raise the hack­les on your enemy’s (as well as the gen­er­al public’s) neck. Might there be a more effec­tive way to tack­le the notions of sex and death that would more suc­cess­ful­ly take away some of their taboo?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Intrigu­ing. I sup­pose I’d nev­er quite thought of it that way.

SS: Smp smp. (grin­ning)

OM: Now–and I’m sure you were expect­ing this ques­tion at some point–your super­heroic tal­ent has to do with the mon­strous size of your mouth, cor­rect?

SS: Smp.

OM: I’ve heard that it can expand to a shock­ing width of some 3 feet and a height of 2.5 feet, a trait that has made you pop­u­lar with both the ladies (giv­en your 6-foot long tongue and its four extra mus­cles) and the fel­lows, but rather unpop­u­lar with your ene­mies.

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Real­ly? Well, I won­der if you might give us a demon­stra­tion. I know our read­ers at home can­not see what you will be doing, but we can do our best to describe it.

SS: Smp.

Side­kick Suck stands up on his chair. His jaw unlatch­es and his mouth opens to a remark­able width. His eyes and nose are blot­ted out like the sun dur­ing a solar eclipse. As though his face encir­cles a black­hole, large objects start to grav­i­tate quick­ly towards it and he is forced to quick­ly close it.

OM: Impres­sive! So I noticed that your jaw unlatch­es like a snake. But how does the whole suc­tion-thing work?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Wow. Just like a black­hole but you can turn the pow­er on and off. Amaz­ing.

SS: Smp smp.

OM: And the diges­tion process?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: This is one of the points of oppo­si­tion against you, no? The fact that some claim you are a “vig­i­lante,” a “boun­ty hunter,” tak­ing the law into your own hands and forc­ing your ene­mies to suf­fer hor­ri­ble deaths?

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: True.
Now giv­en the way your jaw unlatch­es like that of a snake and giv­en the Hoover-like pow­er that comes from such a large mouth, rumor has it that this could not pos­si­bly be due to a genet­ic anom­aly. That you in fact had your face sur­gi­cal­ly-altered on your quest for pop­u­lar­i­ty in what first began as per­for­mance art but lat­er evolved into quests of a more super-hero­ic nature. Is this true?

SS (sigh­ing): Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Your moth­er died while breast­feed­ing you? My god, what a hor­ri­ble tragedy. I extend my sym­pa­thies to you and your father. What that must’ve been like grow­ing up…

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Just a few more ques­tions before you go, as I know you’re on a tight sched­ule and have a per­for­mance piece you are putting on in front of the capi­tol build­ing in just a cou­ple of hours… You were, in fact, the rea­son for the resur­gence in pop­u­lar­i­ty of the 69 posi­tion, cor­rect, after a mishap at one of your per­for­mances in the late ‘80s?

SS (chuck­ling): Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: And your book, How the Ladies Moan: Mem­oirs of a Ladies’ Man which was on the best­seller list for over two months…

SS: Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: In your mem­oirs, do you address any rumors about whether you and Cap­tain Spacepants ever shared more than just a “work” rela­tion­ship, per­haps a tor­rid romance that led to the dis­so­lu­tion of your super­heroic duo? And would you like to dis­cuss this top­ic a bit more, clear up any rumors that have been cir­cu­lat­ing, that kind of thing?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp.

OM: I knew there had to be some sort of perk to that radioac­tive green mohawk!

SS and OM share a hearty laugh.

OM: Final ques­tion… Inquir­ing minds would like to know why it is that you only talk in suck­ing nois­es. This log­i­cal­ly makes very lit­tle sense since a) it implies that I (an igno­rant, cul­tur­al­ly close-mind­ed Amer­i­can) know your lan­guage (suck-ese?) and am able to con­verse with you, b) it makes one won­der why we failed to write in a trans­la­tor to trans­late, and c) it seems to be a cheap and des­per­ate attempt to get laughs (which I’m guess­ing are going to be few and far between nonethe­less) .

SS: I don’t know actu­al­ly. Ask the crazy bitch who con­coct­ed this inter­view. Oops. I mean, smp smp.

This inter­view was con­duct­ed by Miss Lau­ren Spisak, that crazy bitch over at My Defec­tive Life. The views expressed should have been yours but aren’t since she wrote them first. The inter­view is under her copy­right. It’s just pub­lished here.