Friday, 19 March 2004

Guest Blog: A Not so Album Review

hi everyone. im phil, adams friend that is stuck in connersville. ill get out one of these days. i thought and thought about what to do in here today, but i couldnt get anything together, so i just went through all my old notebooks and picked out something i wrote a long time ago (10-27-01 to be exact). i dont claim to be good, but here it is anyway.

hi. its me. you know me but you dont know who i am. i have so much to say to you, but no words to say it. i try and try and try to say something, but nothing comes out. i try to write it, but nothing comes out. somedays its because of fear, somedays its because ive got a low self opinion, man. can you hear me? im talking to you. again, you cant hear me. im not talking out loud. its all in my head again. my eyes cant help but stare, but you dont know that. my heart reaches out, but its stopped short by a lack of words. someday soon i hope my heart can reach out all the way. i want to make a connection.

there you go. its not too long, so i didnt waste too much of your time. i was going to write a review of the album by the pieces, but i never got around to that and it was crunch time. maybe ill do that one of these days.

Wednesday, 17 March 2004

Guest Blog: Political Biography

The Ranting of a (former) Kansan: or How I Became a Conservative Libertarian Communist.

Well Adam asked for some sort of social-political post, so I?m going to rant on my political background, as a sort of foot in the door for future political rants in this space.

First let me say that I am socially fairly conservative. This immediately seems to get me labeled as a Republican. Which is something I tend to hate, because Republicans are way too rabid toward abortion and the death penalty for my taste. This is where my strong libertarian streak comes in. I don?t believe that the Government should insert itself into our lives. Which is to say that while I believe that abortion is wrong, I?m not going to go out and bomb a clinic or make a big push to make it illegal. I also am opposed to gay marriage, but only in the sense that marriage is a religious institution. I believe that the government can make a legal ?union? but not a marriage. So I think that if you are homosexual and you want to ?marry? then you just need to be a part of a church that believes in that sort of thing and you can get married and the government should recognize the union in the same way that my marriage is recognized by the state of Kansas (and all other states via the due faith and credit clause of the constitution). It is easier to say that I live a conservative lifestyle in general and I do not preach myself as superior (but yet I preach thus the post), nor do I wish to impart my beliefs on anyone (outside of my family of course).

The Libertarian aspect has already been touched on in the above paragraph, but I?m going to expand on these beliefs a bit as well. I believe in freedom and liberty as spelled out in the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights. I think that a large, centralized government is a bad thing. The Federal government should devolve much of it?s power back to the states and the local government. I feel that the people should be free to express their ideas, practice their beliefs, and be involved with their community. I believe that governmental control of people?s lives is almost always a bad thing.

The one part of the my political agenda that runs contrary to my other beliefs is the communism part. By communism, I am not talking Stalin, Lenin, the Red Menace, and commie pinko bastards. When I say communism, I?m meaning it in more of a true commune sort of way. The gap between the truly wealthy and the rest of the people has stretched beyond belief. The poorest people in this country cannot hope for a change in their situation for several generations if they are lucky, they are beat down upon by a very broadly defined middle class. Middle class in this country starts at being ?fairly comfortable? (i.e. food on the table, roof over head) and runs all the way up to ?fairly wealthy?. This includes people who say they are ?upper middle class?(Doctors, most lawyers and other professionals). The middle class people can move a bit either up and down the ladder, but it is much, much easier for them to fall into the ?poor? range. To be truly wealthy you must also wield a great deal of power. I?m not just talking about political power like the Bush family, but also power to control the media, and the power to keep politicians in their pockets. The last 24 years have seen a schism in how the ?liberal? democrats and ?conservative? republicans do business. The democrats (Clinton) did more to reign in national debt and out of control spending, while the republicans (Reagan, Bushes) have been irresponsible and increased spending and cut taxes on the rich.

If Adam lets me come back to do another appearance, I will point out how, while 20 years later than predicted, many of the items in Orwell?s 1984 are closer than you think.

Tuesday, 16 March 2004

Guest Blog: Book Review

My Book Review

by Lauren Spisak

The book I read is called Spike Mike Reloaded: A Guided Tour Across a Decade of American Independent Cinema by John Pierson and Kevin Smith. It is a good book. It is long though. I think like 400 pages. Can you believe it! In it they use big words that my mom has to explain to me sometimes, like “Cannes” and “independent” and “enterprise” and “usually.” But I am learning a lot about how people make movies. It is hard. Some people spend a lot of money on making a movie. Some people make movies about dumb things like the s-e-x word or about a guy named Roger. I have a friend named Roger. He is albino though. If I ever make a movie, it will be about robots. In my book they also talk about black people and something called “lesbians.” I have a friend who is black. Her name is Charlene. My mom said it is good to be nice to people of different colors. She also said “lesbians” are not right and will end up in h-e-l-l. I am afraid of lesbians. They sound mean. Mommy will not tell me what they are, but I am afraid one will hide under my bed at night and then sneak out when I fall asleep and eat me and my Mom will cry and lots of people will come to my funeral and they will say, “Poor Lauren. The lesbian got her.” But the man who wrote my book says lesbians make good movies, so maybe they aren’t TOO bad after all. Or maybe HE is a lesbian too! The book also has lots of things about money in it. I wish I had more money. I would buy lots of toys with it if I did–like a G.I. Joe doll or a Barbie (maybe one with growable hair!). Or I would make a movie about robots. 300 lady robots that take over the world! The main robot’s name would be Charlene and she would shoot fireballs from her eyes. The fireballs would not kill people though. It would just make them dance the robot-dance. Robots are cool. I have three dollars saved up right now. I hide it from my brother Petey. He ate two quarters I saved one time.

THE END

Wednesday, 10 March 2004

Dastardly Dan

Today Organic Mechanic magazine brings you the first installment of the villainous side of our Heroes and Villains of the New Millennium Series. Previous interviews with Captain Spacepants and Sidekick Suck have now been linked to.

Organic Mechanic: Dastardly Dan, that is an interesting name. How did you come up with Dastardly Dan?

Dastardly Dan: Well, I was born Richard Klipslophski…er, well, the cat’s out of the bag now isn’t it? See? That is why I never do these interviews. I just end up saying things I shouldn’t, like my legal name. Now what? Great. So, anyways, yeah, now that the cat’s outta the bag, I was born Richard Klip– Wait. Can you? Will you edit this part out for me? Not put it in the interview? I mean seriously. The last thing I need is someone knowing my formal name. You know, I may be a criminal mastermind, but I, too, am fearful of identity theft. Plus, on top of that, I am still wanted for some petty theft I committed when I was 18. So, could you edit…

OM: We could.

DD: But will you?

OM: I’ll check with my editor.

DD: Ok, thanks. I’d appreciate that. And you don’t know how much I would appreciate that. It’d be a big help to me, really. I just don’t want my name out there, you know. Once it’s out it’s like a whole big thing I don’t wanna have to deal with, really. Everyone will swarm on my family, and mom and pop don’t really need that. It’s best that I just go by my new name Dastardly Dan. So. Can we start this interview again?

OM: Sure.

DD: Ok. And, thanks again. I really appreciate it.

OM: So, Dastardly Dan. That is an interesting name. Where’d you get it?

DD: Well, I was born Richard– Dammit. DAMMIT. See. Now I did it again. This isn’t… Ok, can we pick up from here? You’ll edit this out right?

OM: Sure.

DD: Ok. Well, I have gone by other names. In my youth I was Pete the Wicked, but that sounded too pirate-like. Then I changed my name to Salvadore the Slippery-One, but the guys at the Villian Local 134 gave me hell about that one. When I started stealing nuclear waste from powerplants in Supertropolis, I went my the name “Green Meanie,” but that didn’t catch on and I was lampooned in the papers all the time. Then, going through a family scrapbook, I found that my great uncle was a cattle rustler during the McKinley administration, and he went by the name Dastardly Dan. I figured I’d adopt it and bring the tradition back.

OM: But you don’t steal cattle.

DD: No. My plot is to take over the world, having all of its inhabitants turned to slaves, mining for saltpeter in an effort to build a gun powerful enough to shoot a rocket-sized bullet at the moon, causing the said satellite to explode, sending millions of fragments of the once heavenly body into orbit around the earth, making the night sky on this planet the darkest it has even been, and then ruling the world with pure evil.

OM: Sounds like quite a plan.

DD: It is.

OM: And how do you finance all of this.

DD: I have a Mastercard.

OM: A Mastercard?

DD: Yes, see, it’s right here (Takes out card. It’s account number is 3445-4500-0000-6666.)

OM: I see.

DD: Yes. It’ help– Wait. You didn’t write down the account number did you?

OM: The account number?

DD: For the Mastercard?

OM: No.

DD: Ok. Well, you’d need the expiration date, too, 9/08. Wait, I shouldn’t have said that. Can you…?

OM: Edit? I’ll check with the editor.

DD: And you DIDN’T write down the account number, right? I thought I saw you writing something…

OM: Just what you say, really. Some notes.

DD: Ok.

OM: So you are well known for your evil laugh. Can we hear it?

DD: Oh, come on, I’m embarrassed?

OM: Just once?

DD: Ok. Ok. (bashfully) Mwahahahahahahahaha! (echoes)

OM: That is some evil laugh. Chilling, really.

DD: Thank you.

OM: Something bothering you?

DD: Yeah. Are you sure you’ll edit out the part with my formal name?

OM: Sure.

DD: And you didn’t take my credit card number, right?

OM: Just some notes.

DD: Ok. I just worry. I have a reputation you know, for evil. It’ll be hard to focus on my evil exploits when I am worrying about identity theft and things like that.

OM: Understandable.

DD: I have an appointment to keep. How long will this interview last?

OM: As long as you want it to.

DD: Ok, one more question.

OM: Ok. Given the current socio-political climate in the United States, and given the fact that a scant 35% of all registered voters actually regularly take part in the election process, to what do you account the fact that the nation, which statistically is so politically divided, is actually represented in the media as a left-leaning, liberal society, most likely to accept things like gay marriage, gun control, and abortion rights?

DD: (blank stare)

OM: Thank you for your time Dastardly Dan.

DD: You are SURE you will edit this?

OM: Thank you, Dastardly Dan.

DD: Ok. Yes. You are welcome. God, I hope you edit this.

This interview was conducted by one Eric M., a man in all ways juicier than your average avocado. The views expressed in this article are not necessarily the views held by anyone anywhere at any time. This interview is under his copyright. It just appears here. Yea verily, all your base are belong to us.

Tuesday, 10 February 2004

Sidekick Suck

Last week, Organic Mechanic began a new series which seeks to explore a variety of the fascinating and controversial figures of the 21st century. Our first interview was with the infamous and rarely-interviewed Captain Spacepants. Today we interview his partner-in-crime of 15 years, Sidekick Suck–master of suckage, controversial performance artist, and author of the phrase “Suck it” which has recently regained popularity in the character of Karen Walker on Will & Grace.

OM: As you know, Sidekick Suck, two weeks ago we at OM were afforded the rare opportunity of interviewing Captain Spacepants. Now, you’ve been Captain Spacepants’ sidekick for 13 years. Is that correct?

SS: Smp smp. Smp smp.

OM: My bad. Looks like we need some new fact-checkers over here at OM. (chuckling) Anyways, in lieu of your 15-year relationship with Captain Spacepants, how did you feel when you found out that Spacepants didn’t mention you even once in the course of his interview?

SS (grimacing): Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp; smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Was this argument what led to your final falling out and eventual estrangement? Or was it having to live in the shadow of someone with such long-lasting notoriety that did it in?

SS: Smp smp! Smp smp smp: smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp, “Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp!”

OM: Okay. Well… then let me change the subject.
Now your arch-nemeses are the Committee on Moral Taste which has gone so far as to threaten both of your lives because of your “crimes against human progress.” Spacepants’ goal is more of a general sort, (and I quote) to “make the world more tolerant of those it considers ‘in bad taste.'” Now, as his sidekick, and as a well-respected performance artist as well, your work’s goals are more specific… Given your savant-like talents in the world of sucking, your goal became to “normalize” the world of sexual “deviancy” and to raise awareness about our ever-present mortality by bringing these issues back again and again into the public light, through both your art and your role as sidekick. What kind of opposition have you met against this?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Yes, quite similar to that of Mapplethorpe. However, despite your best efforts, your work only seems to raise the hackles on your enemy’s (as well as the general public’s) neck. Might there be a more effective way to tackle the notions of sex and death that would more successfully take away some of their taboo?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Intriguing. I suppose I’d never quite thought of it that way.

SS: Smp smp. (grinning)

OM: Now–and I’m sure you were expecting this question at some point–your superheroic talent has to do with the monstrous size of your mouth, correct?

SS: Smp.

OM: I’ve heard that it can expand to a shocking width of some 3 feet and a height of 2.5 feet, a trait that has made you popular with both the ladies (given your 6-foot long tongue and its four extra muscles) and the fellows, but rather unpopular with your enemies.

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Really? Well, I wonder if you might give us a demonstration. I know our readers at home cannot see what you will be doing, but we can do our best to describe it.

SS: Smp.

Sidekick Suck stands up on his chair. His jaw unlatches and his mouth opens to a remarkable width. His eyes and nose are blotted out like the sun during a solar eclipse. As though his face encircles a blackhole, large objects start to gravitate quickly towards it and he is forced to quickly close it.

OM: Impressive! So I noticed that your jaw unlatches like a snake. But how does the whole suction-thing work?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Wow. Just like a blackhole but you can turn the power on and off. Amazing.

SS: Smp smp.

OM: And the digestion process?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: This is one of the points of opposition against you, no? The fact that some claim you are a “vigilante,” a “bounty hunter,” taking the law into your own hands and forcing your enemies to suffer horrible deaths?

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: True.
Now given the way your jaw unlatches like that of a snake and given the Hoover-like power that comes from such a large mouth, rumor has it that this could not possibly be due to a genetic anomaly. That you in fact had your face surgically-altered on your quest for popularity in what first began as performance art but later evolved into quests of a more super-heroic nature. Is this true?

SS (sighing): Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Your mother died while breastfeeding you? My god, what a horrible tragedy. I extend my sympathies to you and your father. What that must’ve been like growing up…

SS: Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: Just a few more questions before you go, as I know you’re on a tight schedule and have a performance piece you are putting on in front of the capitol building in just a couple of hours… You were, in fact, the reason for the resurgence in popularity of the 69 position, correct, after a mishap at one of your performances in the late ’80s?

SS (chuckling): Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: And your book, How the Ladies Moan: Memoirs of a Ladies’ Man which was on the bestseller list for over two months…

SS: Smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp.

OM: In your memoirs, do you address any rumors about whether you and Captain Spacepants ever shared more than just a “work” relationship, perhaps a torrid romance that led to the dissolution of your superheroic duo? And would you like to discuss this topic a bit more, clear up any rumors that have been circulating, that kind of thing?

SS: Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp smp smp smp smp smp smp. Smp smp. Smp.

OM: I knew there had to be some sort of perk to that radioactive green mohawk!

SS and OM share a hearty laugh.

OM: Final question… Inquiring minds would like to know why it is that you only talk in sucking noises. This logically makes very little sense since a) it implies that I (an ignorant, culturally close-minded American) know your language (suck-ese?) and am able to converse with you, b) it makes one wonder why we failed to write in a translator to translate, and c) it seems to be a cheap and desperate attempt to get laughs (which I’m guessing are going to be few and far between nonetheless) .

SS: I don’t know actually. Ask the crazy bitch who concocted this interview. Oops. I mean, smp smp.

This interview was conducted by Miss Lauren Spisak, that crazy bitch over at My Defective Life. The views expressed should have been yours but aren’t since she wrote them first. The interview is under her copyright. It’s just published here.