• The first thing is one I’ve always wondered about: Why is the Yellow Freight Company’s logo orange?
• I saw a big billboard with a bald eagle and American flag that said “America – Bless God”. This doesn’t make any sense. America can’t bless God because God is from whom all blessings flow. The top 3 hits for the phrase could generate no end of cultural criticism writing. I could go on, and would really like to, but I’ll spare everyone.
• It took over a year, but I’ve now trained myself both physically and psychologically to eat smaller portion sizes. That means, on the occasions that I pig out, I’m actually just eating what Americans consider to be normal portions. My weight fluctuates between 178 & 182, and since whenever I try to dip below that, my appetite goes into overdrive, I figure that’s right where my body wants to be.
• Picked up this sweet piece of furniture for $70:

Even though I was beaten to the punch.

This clip, gratuitous and exploitative as it is, is one fine piece of filmmaking; which is the main reason it is so deliberately gratuitous and exploitative. Note how the timing of the cuts and changes in shot framing ramp up the sexiness of the scene, and by proxy, its comedy. Also, take note that I, Adam Harvey, have now said Something Good™ about a teenybopper romantic comedy done in the style of 1980s Brat Pack Crapfests™.

To distract you from what you most certainly think of as my blasphemy here is a spoof of the end of every 80s movie. 80s Ending.

I also recommend watching these animated shorts from Blur Studio:

Gopher Broke
Rockfish
In The Rough
Aunt Luisa

I was at the Tremont Laundromat, which incidentally, didn’t have raw sewage flooding out the front door today, and after I brought my clothes back to my apartment I found it. Yes, it. At first I thought I’d inherited a raggedy piece of pink dryer lint, but upon closer inspection I discovered that it was, in fact, your thong. Not just any thong, though. Your thong. This one is also, apparently, made of cheesecloth. The little bits of fabric that approximate covering are only distinguishable by being slightly wider than the actual thong, and a lesser shade of pink. Also, completely sheer.

Wearing see-through underwear [if one could be said to actually "wear" this item, and if a thong counts as "underwear"] is something of a conundrum. Roland Barthes’s essay Strip-tease may offer some insight into the paradoxical nature of covering that is, in fact, not covering; but I think it is rather obvious that this thong serves as little more than garnish for a carefully orchestrated rapprochement between various and sundry genitalia.

Stealing a page from Duchamp, I have taken to wearing your thong on my head, with the little triangle doohicky acting as a nose-guard. Thankfully this undergarment had been washed before I attempted this experiment. As a nose-warmer, the thong lacks a certain efficacy that I can only attribute to its screen-door like consistency.

Currently, your thong is pinned to my bulletin board, between a picture of my first dog and a political flyer from the Ward 13 Councilman.

In any case, Miss, if you would like me to facilitate the return of this sexually charged undergarment you may send me an email and I am sure that an agreement can be reached.

Now, the reason this is so funny is that when I parked my car there were no other cars in the surrounding spaces. So unless that person’s car was invisible, I couldn’t have hit it. And if that person’s car was invisible, they should be glad I didn’t crush it under my Oldsmobile. My car, while it looks crappy, gets about 30mpg and will be good for another 130k miles. There. I have defended its honor.

Business Reply Mail Envelope Front

A pretty standard BRE, apart from the GIANT letters that only make sense when I’m drunk on Stoli.

Business Reply Mail Envelope Back

A trite message of hope on the envelope flap.

Page 1 of the scam

Now we get to the funny parts. This letter reads like those “African Republic” spams, but it also replete with illogical and seemingly random bolding, rampant underlining, nonsensical sentence structure, misquoted scripture and supermundane information presented as fascinating material. The funniest parts to me are whenever the prayer rug is mentioned. It is always accompanied by never repeating strings of modifiers and adjectives.

Page 2 of the scam

Now the scam shows its teeth. Simply checking a box and sending some cash to St. Matthew’s Churches will solve all your financial problems! Yeah, that makes TONS of sense.

Front of the Flyer

They are prepared for skeptics like me though. They have testimonials given by racially ambiguous people from the early 1980s!

Back of the Flyer

I’m impressed by the responsibility of these people, who know their debt down to the last penny. I’m sure they’d never fall for a snail mail scam like this one.

Magic Eye Holy Prayer Yo Mama Rug

Worst Magic Eye Ever. If you look closely at his right eye, you can pretty much see the open one immediately. And I can never do Magic Eye Puzzles. Besides, Christ has the fur-covered, chinless, megacranial head of a hydrocephalic.

Back of Rug

Yup. Whatever you say.