“hey, nice San Francisco!”

and they’re all like, “Pshhh… whatever”.

And you’re like, “Fine, be that way, douche-bag.”

And then you go home and think about how that person with their fancy San Francisco didn’t seem to give two esses for your Cleveland or even for their San Francisco and you think maybe you should change your city because what is Cleveland really doing for you anyway? except making you look at people’s Chicagoes and Los Angeleses and wondering what it feels like to have LA all rubbing on your skin and stuff making you feel all sexy and perversely alpha like some kind of sleazy Robert Evans.

But you should probably think about getting a Chicago because it’s more like a jean jacket like the one you wore in High School when you were trying to hang out with all the hessiers and drawing the zoso sign on your brown paper bag book cover sitting in Home Ec watching them smoke pot under the sink while you were trying to make blueberry muffins, or whatever.

Yeah. About five years ago I bought this new hat called a Tremont. It’s kinda cool because it has enough traffic on the streets on Friday night that you kinda feel like you’re wearing those Wicker Park shoes you get in Chicago? Yeah, those ones. Except they’re not platform shoes, they’re just cool enough to make you feel good about yourself for a few years.

Then you’ll probably go back to wearing Tee-shirts and jeans and cheap-ass shoes you buy at the strip mall and sit on a captain’s chair in your back yard in front of a big fire with your dog and family somewhere in Columbia Station, or whatever.