Terrorist Attack Trading Cards

Saturday, 19 June 2004

I was at Jamie’s Flea Market Saturday and I found some­thing that hit the mar­ket when I was 6 years old. Something that shows me what 17 years of bick­er­ing, global re­or­ga­ni­za­tion and blood­shed has changed in the zeit­geist of America. Yeah, ba­si­cally noth­ing.

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Disclaimer

Though these cards claim to be ed­u­ca­tional, it is well to bear in mind that any words of ed­u­ca­tional value con­tained on the backs are re­fracted through a lens of ag­gres­sive and rhetor­i­cal American na­tion­al­ism. While ter­ror­ism is, in­deed, a ter­ri­ble thing, the type of ed­u­ca­tion that these col­lectible items provide is an­tag­o­nis­tic and ig­no­rant of its own ef­fects. Moreover, they are both hi­lar­i­ous and sober­ing [a sort of shake-your head and laugh] to any per­son who has a de­cent abil­ity to sep­a­rate thoughts into sub­jec­tive and ob­jec­tive frames. So. You just need com­mon sense.

Benito Mussolini Terrorist Attack Trading Card

Mussolini was a ter­ror­ist? and a facist? If I had a face like Mussolini I def­i­nitely wouldn’t want to form a po­lit­i­cal party about it. The fact that he was cap­tured by the par­ti­sans he op­pressed is not ironic, it is closer to po­etic jus­tice. It would be ironic if he was ex­e­cuted by his own party for op­press­ing the par­ti­sans.

SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB

First off: “Bombs cre­ate the spec­tac­u­lar and safe types of de­struc­tion that ter­ror­ists are known for.” WHAT?!? To con­clude, end­ing a sen­tence in a prepo­si­tion ain’t good English. Thirdly, some­one ob­vi­ously busted out the the­saurus for ‘per­fid­i­ous.’

Margaret Thatcher Naked On A Cold Day

Beware of guys hid­ing be­hind trash cans and at­tempt­ing to hide be­hind build­ings but not do­ing a very good job of it be­cause their ri­fles stick way out. They blow up things. AMERICA SANCTIONED!

Liberty

Of course they were go­ing to blow up the SoL. Drug-run­ning is an im­pos­si­ble pos­si­bil­ity. Our na­tion hu­mil­i­ates it­self just fine, thanks.

caught

This guy looks like me when I had my beard. That creeps me out.

Qaddafi

I can’t re­ally be funny about any of these be­cause they are so ridicu­lous they speak for them­selves. Note the sub­tle jux­ta­po­si­tion of the last two sen­tences.

Iran

The Ayatullah looks like he is speak­ing to masses of peo­ple burn­ing in eter­nal damna­tion. He might be use­ful as a means to un­der­mine the Soviets. This card also in­vokes Godwin’s Law.

BOMB

Thanks for play­ing! I won­der if Tom Clancy got his idea for The Sum of All Fears from this card. Goodbye!