4.30.02 INT. MAIN BUILDING, OFFICE OF RESIDENCE LIFE. 7:53am DAY

signing up for my summer hall clerk hours i realized that red tape is the manner in which bureaucracies remain in existence. they convince you time and again that they have a new organizational plan that will make things run very smoothly and they make themselves indispensible by further convincing us that without their presence, things would go to hell. then they bind us with their red tape and forms in triplicate until we are gagged and nauseous and will fill them out just to be done with them. case in point, the forms that we were shown at an informational meeting for summer hall staff (another trap of the bureaucracy) had been replaced entirely by a different spreadsheet for the filling in of hours, as well, the dorms that the clerks for conferences are assigned to are on the other side of campus from the dorms that the clerks live in, which in turn are used by a different set of clerks who in turn live in a different set of dorms…ad infinum. signups were supposed to take ten minutes. they take an hour. we are told shifts are available in one hour increments…no longer, now they are 3 or 4 hour increments. so instead of working a nice evening shift in the dorm i live in i must haul my ass across campus 4 nights a week to work the graveyard shift in a dorm that wasn’t even supposed to be for the groups i am running the desk for. at least i have my weekends free. the only unfortunate thing about that is knowing that the bureaucratic hegemony WANTS me to feel happy about JUST having my weekends free. we bourgeois are donkeys and the weekend is the carrot that keeps us truckin’

4.29.02 INT. KEOUGH HALL, SHOWER STALL 3. approx. 9:23am DAY

my topic is emotion, feeling, whatever term you use to generalize and categorize it. it is inviolable and can only be judged by the person experiencing it. ergo, no emotion is wrong in the sense that a person is wrong in feeling it. difficulty lies when an ideology creates a forum in which the expression of emotion can cause harm. emotion is not opinion. for example, the fact that i cannot stand my roommate is not WRONG (emotion), although my reasons for feeling so might be (opinion). another possible difficulty lies in the proper identification of the emotion by the emoter. doubly difficult since emotion necessarily clouds reason. “love is not love/which alters when it alteration finds,” yet what other word is there that describes the emotion (mental experience) of being attracted to someone? sweet emotion. bah! might i be so forward as to request your opinion on this matter?

today i am wobbly.

my fever has broken for the time being, but i still have these aches and weird tingly and stretchy feelings. i think some unknown force is under the impression that i am silly putty. anyway. some site issues. you will need Internet Explorer version 5 or higher to get this to appear properly if you are using netscape i don’t know what the hell is wrong with the page. it is also optimized for 1024×768 screen resolution. and i’ve added a new link to another one of my buddies. our film is too short due to lack of enough good shots but its creepy and that is good. i had some beef stroganoff last night, thinking that a homecooked meal would be fine for my stomach but i yarfed it up a few hours later. i’ve also been playing Jedi Power Battles, and today i kicked Darth Maul’s ass. thank you.

INT. KEOUGH HALL RM 435, ADAM’S COMPUTER. 7:30pm NIGHT
i reconnected with a couple of old friends last night and it was good. it was nice talking to them and catching up on what is going on in their lives. it made me feel good to know that out there are still people who feel the way i do.

INT. O’SHAUGNESSY HALL COMPUTER CLUSTER. 12:38pm DAY
editing my last film project is like pulling teeth but it will be finished dammit.

INT. KEOUGH HALL RM 435, ADAM’S COMPUTER. 1:10am (4.27.02) NIGHT
oh shit. i’ve started a new page design. hold on to your knickers.

INT. KEOUGH HALL RM 435. 11:00pm NIGHT.
ok so last night at 11, after being gone from my room since 9 in the morning, i come back home to find the door locked. great, roommate hooking up again…well that hasn’t stopped me before and i want in my damn room. i unlock the door and enter into the surreal “hookup atmosphere” of my room. no lights are on, some sort of softcore porn/techno music is playing and i can hear the scrumpling of sheets and muffled giggles from his loft. then the surprise. the guy from across the hall is there too. on the couch hooking up with my (stay with me here) roommate’s girlfriend’s best friend from New Hampshire. did i mention surreal? so i drop off my backpack and leave before the world implodes, but not before the guy on the couch asks in the “i just got caught masturbating” tone of voice about the meeting we were both at several hours earlier. exit stage left.

INT. KEOUGH HALL 4B SECTION LOUNGE. 11:23pm NIGHT.
i debrief those in the lounge on the happenstances, and they all agree that it is weird. then a couple of them decide to play a prank. i give my blessing. they unscrew the peephole on the door, tie the door shut so no one can get out, fill a condom with water and squirt it through the peephole into my room. my roommate gets pissed obviously. supposedly one of his books got wet and he has a test the next day. shouldn’t he be studying instead of hooking up in a vaguely orgiastic manner? no one says anything. he makes a comment in reference to me as a 12 year old. still no one speaks. he leaves supposedly to go comfort his woman who is traumatized by the water on the floor.

EXT. GOD QUAD. 11:45pm NIGHT.
singing “eric the half a bee” with steve on the way to get quarterdogs.

INT. KEOUGH HALL RM 435. 12:20am NIGHT
asleep.

we have to start packing up our rooms in the next week. it seems kind of dumb that they expect us to move everything out of our living space and study for finals in a little white shell. hopefully the weather will be nice and i can do my work outside. i am anxious for the summer to get here because it will be much less stressful. the good thing is that i have minimal work for the rest of the year. i am starting on one of my final papers and hopefully i’ll get a good jump on it before the week is over. today is going to be a good day. it is supposed to thunderstorm severely which is very nice, but right now it is sunny and warm. i’ll enjoy either. thats my goal now, just to enjoy things instead of stewing in my own juices. i don’t make for a good marinade.

yeah so i cleaned my room and did laundry.

yeah and my mom asked me if i was satanic the other day. she meant it too. i think she just assumes the worst since i don’t live at home under her protective wing. its boring under a protective wing, i’d rather go exploring. i’m not a little chick any more. i am a HUGE CO…rooster. she missed me and loves me, i knowiknow. i take it for granted i am sure. but hell, if i don’t go exploring, i will be even lamer than i am now. plus she is still there when i need her the most. i don’t take that for granted. sometimes when i write this i feel like doogie howser m.d. but i’m not a tool like he was. my laundry needs dryered so i’m out for now.

talked to molly and i (can’t do it) still feel like shit. is it me that needs figuring out or does she need to figure herself out? how do i care for someone that doesn’t care about themself?

i’m obviously wrong about some things and missing others.

everything that is written in this weblog is the property of me myself and i. this site is my mind. i am in total control of my mind. i choose to delete comments that are not constructive or appropriate for my mind. saying that you are ‘telling it like you see it’ does not mean you have license to say anything you want. you must justify yourself in my mind. i am the only one here who can call it like i see it because this is MINE. people who know me understand that i think in rhetorical circles and hypotheticals, which after enough revolutions bring about results. nothing is directed at a specific subject. there might be a specific impetus that sparks the thought process, but i try very hard not to let my judgement affect my social conscience. THEREFORE, to those that choose to reply to my ramblings: if you assail me with disjunctive allegations or attempt to place yourself in a omniscient relation toward me as one who has it all together. i am on to you, liar. wisdom and thoughts are more than welcome, but on an equal footing with everything else.’Wisdom’ that places itself in a power position over anything is so much semantic bullshit. i welcome constructive discussion and wry critique but abuse will be wiped out. what do YOU think?

today was the annual Anthropology Department Goat Roast. At nine in the morning some anthro majors and the profs, using stone tools produced in the Lithic Technologies class, butchered a goat and a sheep. keep in mind that properly produced obsidian stone knives are something like 5times sharper than a surgeon’s scalpel. so the actual cutting part was pretty easy. then they were marinaded, kebabed and grilled to perfection. not to mention the other great foods that accompanied it: goat curry, chili, salad, noodles, potato dishes, and wonderful peanut butter/ chocolate bars. when anthro people get together the parties are great. especially since most of the side dishes were recipes from around the world. i’m going to buy the new anthro club tshirt too its pretty nice. i got to do some flint knapping myself, but since i have never taken the class, i’m not too good at it. however, i did get a nice sharp flake that i cut my thumb with. i would have died very early if i had been cro-magnon. cleanup sucked mostly because we were all numb with cold but hey if that is the price you pay to be an anthro nerd with all the other anthro nerds (profs included) so be it. hot damn i had fun!

I fed a squirrel today. She was pretty fat and I think pregnant, but I?m not sure. She ate out of my hand which I felt honored by. Except that gaining the trust of squirrels on this campus isn?t that difficult. the best part was that she put her little claw/paw into my hand at one point, and chattered at me in an amiable way. I would like a pet squirrel I think. I would have to train it to not chew on everything though. And not to bury stuff in the carpet. I should feed the squirrels more often, it is very calming and makes me happy. I have another goal as well. A rook was watching me as I fed the squirrel and when I tossed the crumbs to the ground and left he immediately hopped down and started chowing. Now I would REALLY like to have a pet rook/raven. That would be too cool. And I could even teach it to talk. My new goal is therefore to get the rooks to come close to me and eat from my hand, and maybe I can get one to perch on me.

I don?t think many people know it, but there is a cooper?s hawk nesting on top of our dorm. This can be nothing but a good omen. I love birds and envy their flight. One of these days I?ll go hang gliding?so at least I can have an idea of what it is like.

since people enjoy labeling people and labeling themselves perhaps this is manifested by the fact that people wear clothing for its name and go for status symbols like fancy cars and such. its kinda sad.

UPDATE: the 4B section video, done by ME won. all the others were pieces of crap. i also finished the fencing video for the team banquet in ten days. go me!

well today i am working for the majority of the day in computer labs getting in my hours for the week since i haven’t done anything yet. its not so bad really, but with the weather the way it is, i could use any excuse to go outside. i was fiddlyfartin around on the net and i discovered my friend NeaL’s blogger. i just sent him an instant message asking if he wants me to link to him or not. i think my short story is going to turn into a stream of consciousness imagining of some drug polluted 1984 crossed with Bladerunner. hellifiknow.

i’ve been reading a little Keats lately. i like his poetry, he seems to have had a very ethereal idea of how to express the world, everything is full of classical mythology but seems more personal, like he actually knows who these people are and meets with them for tea (or wine if it is Bacchus) now and again. it makes me wonder if what influences are subconsciously present in my writings. eecummings for sure, but i also think that Keats is there somewhere, as are MoLG and David Bowie. i don’t think i actually try to write like they do, but it appears anyway. am i going to end up as a writer? i think it just might be a hobby…but i don’t know. i should ask someone in the english dept to help me out.

this place needs more metalheads and goth chicks, if we had them in significant numbers (instead of just me a few football players and one pseudo-gothesque art girl) things would be alot more interesting. metal just makes things better. and pretty goth chicks are just yummy (especially redheaded ones). a girl can be normal and be attractive but if she goes goth then DAMN! the attractiveness level increases 5fold. now i’m not even a typical metalhead (neither is phil even though he thinks he is). i don’t have the hair or the dress or the attitude, but metal speaks to me in the same way, perhaps even more so since i think about it too much for my own good. metal can save the world. and goth chicks…well…yummy…i mean…sheesh…they are just…wow.

the thingy up top is something new that i am going to try out. each day i’ll give a progress report on what i am working on, what i am listening to and a one word illustration of what i am feeling like.

i believe i must be part chameleon for i am the fastest tanning person alive and also the fastest to lose it. i was out for 2 hours today and changed significantly in color. tonight i will spend most of my evening in oshag editing a section video for aussiefest this weekend and then mayhap i will work on my research paper due thursday. luckily i have already done all of my homework for the rest of the week. it was only 2 reading assignments so it wasn’t alot, just boring as hell. i believe i am going to try to write a short story in the near future. i’m feeling…experimental

today was spent in another filmic indulgence that all too often turns into a monstrous beast of unimaginable power. murphy’s law applies to filming more than any other activity. i tossed the ‘bee a bit in the quad after, with my ‘roos which was a good relief for the mental stress that 7 hours of filming can cause. when the weather gets nice i like to turn up the volume and bust out some angst ridden tunes. right now “possum kingdom” by the toadies. do you want to die? i’ve got my jobs for the summer lined up and i just bought the original NES on Ebay. as for the bad karma, i returned it to the store for a refund. no more wearing my heart on my sleeve. i’m gonna go jam somemore. i’m gonna go looptydooptydoo unless i don’t…

my life is an exercise in futility. even when i do nothing wrong, i still fail. my bad karma must have no end. even when things are not my fault, i still hurt. i must be too sensitive. we knew this was going to happen, i guess it was worth it, but for some reason it seems like what we had is made less by this certainty. i am meant to be alone. i am meant to be embittered and cynical. who needs laughter anyway. i look at my last post and try to remember what it was like. i am not a depressed maniac or a manic depressive i am an incompetent masochist, i set myself up for great falls. my feelings are not wrong, they are appropriate, they are separate from their source. this probably makes no sense to many of you but i don’t give a flying rats ass if it does. this is my damn diary and i’ll write whatever i please. just be glad i let y’all take a look at it.

my focus determines my reality. only i can change my karma. i dictate my own terms. my life is totally mine. no more self-deception. it is time to return to existentialist mode, at least for a brief period.

the first true day of spring! whoohoo so many people laying around and skipping class. it was nice to see that some people still enjoy nature, even if it is only once in awhile. i wrote a pome about it.

i need to learn to breathe again. i went running today. i expected jellyfilled legs and a gimp knee since i’ve been out of comission for so long. my legs feel fine as does my knee, probably because i can’t breathe anymore. i didn’t even get to set a good pace before my lungs started staccato renditions of d’yer mak’er. only 2 and a half miles before i whimpered back home. i need to get my ass in gear and get back into shape. i’m pissed. so it begins. twice a week lifting and serious cals and 3 days of running. i want to reach the point where it hurts so i know i’m getting in shape. the addictive agony that doing the senior workout of my crosscountry highschool days brings on. some of you know what i mean. i want to run until i throw up. what is wrong with that?

i don’t want to write anything today. so here are some song lyrics. what do they make you think about or feel like or what do you think they mean? actually just say anything about them that you want, i’m interested.

Soft now- the lips that dragged me down
Soft now- until I hit the ground
The night is soft
The light is soft
And i don’t want to wear this off- tonight
Sleep alone- seems to me
The virus bleeds

Soft now- she played her love scenes well soft now-
Should have sensed the sulphur smell
Soften the blow
Finger to tongue tongue to finger
Honey smear
Finger to tongue tongue to finger
Soften the blow

“the soft collision” -machines of loving grace

i guess it goes without saying that being involved in a relationship is a very interesting and sometimes frightening experience. but i need to say it. hell, i don’t have much experience along these lines. what y’all know is new to me. i think the two fundamental aspects that should be basic to any relationship (friend, mate, dog, whatever) are honesty and respect. its sometimes tough to be honest and give respect. listen to me offering my wisdom…ha! i know jack squat. perhaps my fundamentals are just theories. they sure sound good to me though

Last night was fun. I ate at this place called Elia’s. Really good Lebanese food. Then after that, I spent several hours (ok it was till 3am) playing Super Mario 3 on the Nintendo over at my friend Cari’s place. Andy was there too and he tried to give me some advice on how to get women. I think he said something along the lines of “They just have to be convinced that they want you in their pants, but you can’t just tell them that.” Thanks Andy. Super Mario 3 is such an awesome game. We got all three Hammer Bros. suits and Tanuki suits out the ass. I even impressed them with my crazy jumping abilities. I’m doing shitloads of laundry today and I got a letter from Mom with 25 buckaroos in it. She is good to me. I don’t really know what I am going to do this weekend although I should try to get ahead on some of my work. I probably won’t though

“i’m not intimidated by you.”
“i guess that’s a good thing…”
“i’m gonna scale this wall of yours. i’ll kill you with kindness until you think i am the greastest person (all the while knowing i’m not) on earth and your ‘wall’ crumbles and you let me see the beautiful person inside. then i’ll laugh maniacally because my plot will have succeeded.”
“good luck. let’s go get a milkshake.”

she doesn’t think i can do it. she doesn’t realize how determined i can get. that’s ok, we’re still getting to know each other. it reminds me of a chess game, but this is more important than any game. i’ll be the seed of ivy that tears apart a wall with the slow strength of earth. i’ll be the gripping determination of frost and thaw, stretching the foundations with the smooth power of water. i’ll be the subtle force of summer breeze, wearing away with the patience of air. i’ll be the burning heat of a saharan afternoon, baking through everything with the passion of fire. one way or another i am going to find out who she is. and before you ask, YES it is that important to me.

thump Thump THUMP thumpthump thump bump flash stomp brash green/purple/yellow swingin swayin discoplayin’ backin that ass up, hypnotic mantras bloodpulse grind and grab half caught eye shine thumpthump thump bang your head intergalactic planetary more vodka in my tonic more light in my face ringin’ ears pushup bra strobe aladdin sane thumpthumpthumpthumpthump…yeah…so i went out last night. perhaps now i should get to bed. it is 3:30 in the morning and i have a quiz at 10:40. i also might go see LotR for the 5th time. depends. oh yeah, my damn film needs edited.

somedays it really sucks to be a film major.

this morning my heart is yesterday, for sometime between dark and light, chest and thigh, the imp of Spring began his mischief. the world cannot be the same after curiosity and false constructs (built on foundations all too physical) have opened the modern pandora’s box of complications. that is why i feel like shit. i know i had something to do with it, and swashbuckling my way out of this will only make matters worse. i want to recapture the little imp of Spring, but he isn’t so little anymore. damn my weakness. the world is ginger scented still, but no longer a paradise, Hope is stuck under the lid. we can only free her if we work together.

i woke up this morning and the sky was the color of a week old bruise, and the air was filled with the noise of thunder. to some people this would be ugly, but for me it is both frightening and wonderful. i love the sound of thunder and the feel of rain on my face. it is awe-inspiring to watch the thunderheads race each other across the sky, dropping their wet luggage in a bid to be the first to reach wherever it is that old storms go to die. i want to follow along, skipping from puddle to puddle and melting into the warm deluge of Spring Returned.

no one saw it coming, but it hit like a mack truck anyway. dragging us along in its wake, deeper into, further up, farther back. forced to leave behind our headphones and lattes, some of us caught blinking away the sweat of sex, others snapped up in their prayers, a few even doing both at the same time. amazing the things you can do nowadays. capitalists shuffling the means of production to deal out another quarter percent profit, communists in solidarity, but still walking in circles, it took us all. the judgement was reserved equally, lover and enemy, innocent and jaded, there is no immunity to the power it wields. skyscrapers snapped like twigs. children burned by the feet of Air Jordan. amazing the things we can do nowadays. we didn’t learn so it took matters into its own hands, crunching and molding, the erosion was begun by us, but finished by its looming majesty. SUVs and flowers don’t matter, our responsibility is misplaced. if we had been selfactualized it wouldn’t have come, but search engines and ouija boards gave us the baldfaced lies that Jerry Springer demanded. amazing the things we can do nowadays. i’m your april fool.