Scared Shitless

i’m not afraid to admit it. i am scared shitless that every time i walk into the fencing gym i am going to dislocate my kneecap again. with just reason too. since the connective tissue holding it in place is pretty much shot, i have to rely on muscle strength alone to keep it in place. and that is no guarantee. i want badly to fence and be physical yet the pain i have experienced the times i have dislocated my kneecap is too horrible to dwell on.

i cannot think about it except in the most generic way (FACT: kneecaps can be dislocated) without feeling nauseous and getting a chill. because for me it is personal (FACT: adam’s kneecap has been severely dislocated twice *shiver*) i think i would rather have a gaping flesh wound than a temporary disfigurement that gives the sensation of someone simultaneously pulling and sawing through your leg.

every night for the past week and half now i have relived this experience in a recurring dream. kneecap pops out while fencing, adam screams, falls down, writhes, pain.

and now after having actually experienced this twice (the second time requiring extensive physical therapy in order to learn to bend my leg again) i am a 21 year old with arthritis, a knee that cracks constantly, aches in tandem with the fluctuations of the barometer, and hurts severely after any physical activity. this only increases my anxiety. a little over a quarter of the way through my life, am i already limited by a physical ailment that will prevent me from doing what i want to do and being physically active?