Scared Shitless

i’m not afraid to ad­mit it. i am scared shit­less that every time i walk in­to the fenc­ing gym i am go­ing to dis­lo­cate my kneecap again. with just rea­son too. since the con­nec­tive tis­sue hold­ing it in place is pret­ty much shot, i have to re­ly on mus­cle strength alone to keep it in place. and that is no guar­an­tee. i want bad­ly to fence and be phys­i­cal yet the pain i have ex­pe­ri­enced the times i have dis­lo­cat­ed my kneecap is too hor­ri­ble to dwell on.

i can­not think about it ex­cept in the most gener­ic way (FACT: kneecaps can be dis­lo­cat­ed) with­out feel­ing nau­seous and get­ting a chill. be­cause for me it is per­son­al (FACT: adam’s kneecap has been se­vere­ly dis­lo­cat­ed twice *shiv­er*) i think i would rather have a gap­ing flesh wound than a tem­po­rary dis­fig­ure­ment that gives the sen­sa­tion of some­one si­mul­ta­ne­ous­ly pulling and saw­ing through your leg.

every night for the past week and half now i have re­liv­ed this ex­pe­ri­ence in a re­cur­ring dream. kneecap pops out while fenc­ing, adam screams, falls down, writhes, pain.

and now af­ter hav­ing ac­tu­al­ly ex­pe­ri­enced this twice (the sec­ond time re­quir­ing ex­ten­sive phys­i­cal ther­a­py in or­der to learn to bend my leg again) i am a 21 year old with arthri­tis, a knee that cracks con­stant­ly, aches in tan­dem with the fluc­tu­a­tions of the barom­e­ter, and hurts se­vere­ly af­ter any phys­i­cal ac­tiv­i­ty. this on­ly in­creas­es my anx­i­ety. a lit­tle over a quar­ter of the way through my life, am i al­ready lim­it­ed by a phys­i­cal ail­ment that will pre­vent me from do­ing what i want to do and be­ing phys­i­cal­ly ac­tive?