Scared Shitless

i’m not afraid to admit it. i am scared shit­less that every time i walk into the fenc­ing gym i am going to dis­lo­cate my kneecap again. with just rea­son too. since the con­nec­tive tis­sue hold­ing it in place is pret­ty much shot, i have to rely on mus­cle strength alone to keep it in place. and that is no guar­an­tee. i want bad­ly to fence and be phys­i­cal yet the pain i have expe­ri­enced the times i have dis­lo­cat­ed my kneecap is too hor­ri­ble to dwell on.

i can­not think about it except in the most gener­ic way (FACT: kneecaps can be dis­lo­cat­ed) with­out feel­ing nau­seous and get­ting a chill. because for me it is per­son­al (FACT: adam’s kneecap has been severe­ly dis­lo­cat­ed twice *shiv­er*) i think i would rather have a gap­ing flesh wound than a tem­po­rary dis­fig­ure­ment that gives the sen­sa­tion of some­one simul­ta­ne­ous­ly pulling and saw­ing through your leg.

every night for the past week and half now i have reliv­ed this expe­ri­ence in a recur­ring dream. kneecap pops out while fenc­ing, adam screams, falls down, writhes, pain.

and now after hav­ing actu­al­ly expe­ri­enced this twice (the sec­ond time requir­ing exten­sive phys­i­cal ther­a­py in order to learn to bend my leg again) i am a 21 year old with arthri­tis, a knee that cracks con­stant­ly, aches in tan­dem with the fluc­tu­a­tions of the barom­e­ter, and hurts severe­ly after any phys­i­cal activ­i­ty. this only increas­es my anx­i­ety. a lit­tle over a quar­ter of the way through my life, am i already lim­it­ed by a phys­i­cal ail­ment that will pre­vent me from doing what i want to do and being phys­i­cal­ly active?