i’m a lonely guy, no doubt about it. it is my choice and my consequence. but whenever i decide to try and do something about it, the stupid mating game that must be played makes me saturnine. i am a man who does not like to bandy about emotions and i am not a man who is willing to indulge in careless trysts to satisfy his lusts. i am also not a man who will always be happy in tandem with his woman, euphoria is ethereal and substance consists of mixing water with dirt and making mud. i’m a cynical guy, no doubt about it. it is my choice and my consequence. it is the product of endless bouts of beating my head against the wall being the uncoordinated kid no one wants on their team trying to understand the rules of the game while not even interested in playing the stupid thing. if there are any women out there who feel the same way, ’tis unfortunate because the state of abjection created by our exclusion prevents consolidation and dialogue by our very status as Other. archived
i’m as fine as anyone can be about being alone. it is very low maintenance and allows me to improve myself and focus on what is important for me. the problem with being alone is that you become too self-centered and self-absorbed and can forget…um, stuff. it is, however, refreshing to be not concern yourself with hooking up and seeking a mentally overconstructed love affair, even though i still tend to concern myself with both. i never said i could practice my preachyness. its much easier to handle relationships with women when I have nothing more in mind than simple friendship.
i’ve come to a conclusion. i want to have my cake and eat it too. i need the feeling of a healthy loving relationship right now. however, i don’t want anything to do in that capacity with any girl around here. so in compromise i want a hook-up.
Today was the 5th annual Keough Hall Chariot Race. Last year, my section, 4B won the race. This year we were eliminated in the 1st round. These chariots are constructed out of plywood and 2x4s by the various dorms on campus. Keough, as host, has a chariot from each section. Our chariot was constructed by the venerable senior mechanical engineer and rampant philadelphian John Fay, my neighbor. He is a master of various arcane things called ‘moments’ and ‘degrees of somethingorother.’ Despite our chariot’s exceptional design, the inexperience of the runners was our demise. such is life.
besides chariot racing we also had mud wrestling and jousting, and togas were in vogue for the afternoon. I have had 4 years to perfect my costume and demeanor, and I daresay I would make a good dead language speaker. I was also invincible in the joust. I even jousted my rector, he couldn’t keep his balance and i couldn’t be knocked off. I am a king of the mountain. The beautiful Pom squad did a little dance for us as well. A good afternoon.
May a blesséd star shine upon Alissa and Sarah and Salim. I give them thanks a thousand times. As I struggled to haul my several hundred pounds of film equipment across campus, I passed at least a dozen guys who I know. None of them asked to help. However when Alissa and Sarah saw me about to fall over from the weight of an Arri16BL and a light kit complete with sandbags (mind you I was only about 50 yards out of my dorm) they immediately offered to help me take them to Oshag. Sometimes girls are a helluvalot cooler than guys. For the 2nd trip I enlisted Salim, the FTT major next door to assist me. He’s a good man and I didn’t want to trouble the pretty nice women any longer.
The Friday mp3
The Toadies have been a band I’ve listened to since my freshman year in high school. They only put out two albums in 8 years and then they split but not before coming platinum record seller for their album Rubberneck. The Friday mp3 is the last song on the album and my personal favorite, although every song on the album is damn damn good. I Burn is in a word, brooding. A song about witchcraft and damnation, I’m pretty damn sure it is directly inspired as a reaction to the lead singer’s strict Southern Baptist upbringing.
what is the difference between innocence and confidence, pleasure and happiness? what ambitions derive their source in our darker selves and what does the light side contain of power? why do inanities distract us from meaning and structured understanding of motivation, desire, and actualization? why do we live out our time in rote mechanisms that turn life into an ‘insert slot-A into connecting tab-B’ in order to get the capitalist bourgeois lifestyle that offers no true chance at meaningful examination of life? why do i struggle against this while at the same time desiring the simplicity of a herd mentality life?
motherfucking, goddamn sprinklers. i was all set up for my test shoot, the lighting was done, the talent was arriving momentarily and then guess what happens…the motherfucking, goddamn sprinklers turn on! ergo, i rushed about moving expensive camera equipment and lights around while jets of water squirt about me. shit like that always happens on film shoots. remember what i said about sprinklers a while ago? fuck the absurd. goddamn existentialists. they make me nauseous.
fencing conditioning is a rather interesting activity. sure we do lots of footwork, etc. but Zoltan our Euro assistant coach has his own unique methods which i believe are called the Idiotic Hungarian Jumping Drills. They are not idiotic because they are uneffective, on the contrary, they are good aerobically and muscularly. they are idiotic because we look like mentally deficient hyperactive bonobos while doing them. one drill in particular is incredibly ridiculous. we have to run the length of the gym ‘high-knees’ style while windmilling both arms in opposite directions. what i like least though is the one legged jumping. its fine for my right leg but it absolutely destroys my left leg. acetaminophen and ice only do so much.
in other news, the quest for grad school continues.