and it seemed that as soon as i closed my eyes they were open again. but the other side: hel/nirvana/heaven/purgatory/hell whatever you call it, was kind of boring. just shades of dead folks walking around looking apathetic. it sucked. i’d rather expected a par-tay.

so i went back.

and now i’m stuck, ghostwriting in rather strange ways. i can possess things now. for instance, since i have no corporeal existence i had to possess this computer to write. its pretty fun flicking around electrons. i guess i’m a lawnmower man. but its harder to concentrate with nothing to keep my ether held together but my will.

you don’t really need exorcism or anything like that to get rid of ghosts, just distract them, then turn on a fan.

another thing, i thought i was just on the other side for a moment or two, but when i came back i was already old dry bones. you see, the easiest spot to reappear is in your old body. i guess an affinity always remains. but i’d long since rotted and all that was left in my ossuary were my bones and an antisocial spider.

once i got the hang of being ethereal it was pretty fun. i can go through walls, but not with ease. willing myself through things takes a lot of energy, thats why when you see a ghost come out of a wall they are all pale. normally we look more along the lines of a colored overhead transparency. i can move as fast as my thought across open spaces however.

i thought i’d check out my family, just for old times sake. they were all dead too. so i became one of those ancestral ghosts roaming and moaning the halls of the gothic castle. or not quite. actually i just chilled in the houses of my family’s descendents. every once in awhile when i wasn’t paying attention they would bump into me and get a chill.

why didn’t they see me? that’s easy, people only see ghosts when they know to look for them. its hard to catch one of us by surprise. after all we are pure will. it still got boring after awhile. there is only so much you can do as a spectre. i could have picked up the whole rattling chains and wailing thing but instead i decided i’d go find some mountains and roam around the peaks and valleys.

after awhile i’m sure i’ll start to get the hang of it, my spirit will melt into the land and you’ll be able to hear my chuckle on crisp autumn evenings. it’ll probably just sound like rustling leaves, but it’ll really be me.

it hurt them more than it hurt me, so of course i would put a brave face on it and lie to their eyes as i told them i was feeling healthier and would see them in the morning. they couldn’t understand that i wanted to die.

i was worn out, dying is a rough business and all i wanted was some sleep. permanently. they were being strong and lying to me with the same brave face, telling me i looked better and that they’d see me in the morning. apparently they thought i needed it.

i’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have been able to comprehend that i was no longer suffering. the pain had long ago leached all physical sensation from my body. i was already in the other world, just tied to the body. when we are dying we are truly ghosts.

anyway, i let them tell themselves that they’d done their part and i watched them leave, pulling their doubt of my survival through the night on with their coats. i didn’t quite know what i looked like anymore, but the blanching faces of my family each time they came to visit let me know it never got better. oh well, that hadn’t been my concern for quite some time.

i don’t worry if they’ll be alright once i’m gone. its not that i don’t care, more like there is no point in worrying because i’m going to die anyway.

still, once they all left, it was much easier. if i died in front of them i would have had to have put on a good show, death rattle and all. i didn’t want to disappoint, besides every night they were expecting that phone call. i didn’t notify anyone of my intentions, the release date was not public, just a private showing for my friend the bed pan. only one box office return for me, six feet down. so i closed my eyes.

a protestant work ethic, coupled with a catholic guilt complex results in neverending stress for me. i got back two midterms and a paper, a- on all three. good for me. however, trying to get approval to shoot and to coordinate 7 different film shoots around everyone’s schedules and at the different times in three weeks is almost impossible. not to mention that i have a prospectus and annotated bibliography for one class, a quiz in another and a report due in yet another during this time. and in 5 years none of this will have mattered. in a 200, nothing i will have done will have mattered. how can i make a lasting impact on the world? and why do i want to? is it fame or altruism?

a hand picked list of search strings that have resulted in a hit on my site (there could be funnier ones, but I only see 50 and there are over 140 for this month):

dirty toenails
drunk and shaved my head
girls that are crosseyed
goth roommate from hell
how to prevent a dislocated kneecap
redheaded virgin catholic goth
a written description of the appearance of a scary person
funding circus performers 2002 (my personal favorite)

of all the things to have space age design, toothbrushes should be rather far down on the list, but instead of driving a car that runs off the constant bombardment of neutrinos from space, my toothbrush can do it all. I just bought it a few days ago. apart from the now standard ergonomic body design guaranteed to clean those hard to reach back teeth, my toothbrush also comes equipped with a unique microbristle design which cleans teeth better. the end of each regular bristle has been cut into many smaller bristlettes, hence the microbristle. the split-ends of the dontic world. it also has a flexible head to adjust to the contours of my mouth and a longer bristled tip to get behind those pesky back teeth again. Even the handle has been designed to fit nicely in the hand, it has several ridges on it which massage my thumb and forefinger for the whole minute and a half that i brush my teeth. The biggest selling point of the brush is its brand-spanking-new ‘whitening strip’ that curves between the bristles and apparently will give me whiter teeth in a few short weeks. all it is: a piece of flimsy rubber that acts like the automated car wash cloths on your teeth, a kind of back and forth slapping motion. Now, if they made an automated version that also gave me the morning news, then it’d be perfect. Unfortunately, I canna find a picture of it for it appears that the mentadent website is experiencing technical difficulties.

8-0!!!!! Beating our 4th ranked opponent of the season. Neal has unsuccessfully predicted our loss for two straight weeks. Maybe now we’ll get some respect. i was supposed to get the storyboards and a paper typed over break, I completed the storyboards, barely, and didn’t do shite on the paper. Starting Monday shit gets crazy again until mid december.

back, from remenyik, could’ve done better, but did ok. ND is 7-0, next weekend vs. Florida State. i’m going home momentarily, no updates till next saturday. i love you all.

well, the redesign is up, but needs debugged in the various browsers. last night when i loaded this onto the site i accidentally deleted the DNS authentication…I hope it resets soon. Today and tomorrow I will be at the Remenyik Fencing Tournament on Northwestern’s campus in Evanston, Illinois. Men’s epeé takes so long that it is a two day event. I haven’t fenced in a competition since last year’s Remenyik. The week after that I dislocated my knee. hard to believe its almost been a year. anyway, i’ll be back sunday evening with my results. I’m shooting high, but i want to finish in the top 8 if possible.

today i submitted my first ever letter to the Viewpoint section of the Notre Dame newpaper publication the Observer. It was in response to this letter:

Bedwetting limousine liberals are overrunning the traditional values of American society and our campus, our University of Notre Dame, has become a breeding ground for these ideas. It started last year on Sept. 12, when students were poisoned with the idea that Sept. 11 was “our fault” and “we brought this upon ourselves.” Last time we checked, two of our buildings full of American civilians fell and over 3,000 American citizens were murdered. It appeared again last year when South Quad was inundated with yellow shirt-wearing, Frisbee-throwing, tree-hugging children who believed they could understand the plight of Afghani refugees. Most recently, signs calling for “No War In Iraq” and “Pray for Peace” have degraded further the already decrepit state of patriotic feeling on campus. We are living in an America increasingly un-American. Sixty years ago a different attack was carried out on American soil and American servicemen and civilians were killed. The “greatest generation” put down their books and rallied around something greater than themselves: the flag, the country and the ideals upon which America was founded. When called upon today, the grandchildren of this great generation look up from their copies of “The Communist Manifesto” and their grande steamed latte and say, “not today Uncle Sam, I’m too busy saving the whales.” Sacred notions of freedom and liberty have been discarded. Instead, we waste our breath defending oppressive terrorist regimes bent on acquiring weapons of mass destruction. We waste our time in talk instead of action. Recall the famous scene in H.G. Wells’ “War of the Worlds.” The priest believes he can save earth through diplomacy. Just like today, diplomacy’s and reason’s time have passed. If we continue talking and discussing, we will meet the same end as the priest ? death. John Stuart Mill once wrote, “The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.” God bless America.
Erin Fitzgerald
junior, Farley Hall
Michael McCarthy
senior, Knott Hall
Oct. 14

and my response:

In the world of the internet bulletin board systems, there exists a slang term called the ‘flame’ that can be appropriately applied to Erin Fitzgerald and Michael McCarthy’s letter from October 14. A simple definition of flaming: “1.To post an email message intended to insult and provoke. 2. vi. To speak incessantly and/or rabidly on some relatively uninteresting subject or with a patently ridiculous attitude. 3. vt. Either of senses 1 or 2, directed with hostility at a particular person or people.” It appears to me that all of the above defintions apply to their letter. Their point, though obscured by the invective surrounding it, appears to be that peace is unpatriotic. Apparently, their foamy-mouthed insults are justified in this regard. The best way to avoid flames on the ‘net is to ignore them. By doing so, a person can hope that eventually respectful and interesting discourse can take place. Rabid insults are not a form of interesting discourse. They also offer no chance at achieving it. I suggest that in the future Miss Fitzgerald and Mr. McCarthy try writing a logical and respectful article before resorting to rampant name-calling. In the end, it will only get you burned.
Adam Harvey
Senior, Keough Hall
Oct.15

Now, I don’t know if it will get printed, but i don’t really care. i’ve made my point. Matt, you may insert your comments here:

another boring night of Society and Culture through Film. We watched Its a Wonderful Life. And the discussion thereafter was just as nickel-and-dime as the film itself. the most interesting thing in the class is the girl that sits next to me. Her name is Anne. i’d rather watch her than another stinking movie. at least she is interesting. work sucked today as well. since i had nothing really to do, i was given the eponymous duty of “Shining the Leaves of All the Plants in the Office.” explain to me again why a senior is needed for this job? BTW. go here and mouseover the little dome icon thingy. anyway, i’m out of boxers. time to do some laundry.

we’re now 6-0! Yesterday’s game was perhaps the worst college football game i have ever seen; but, we still won! today will be spent preparing for midterm week. i have homework out the wazoo. this weekend steve and ward came in and i finally met their buddies miller and jorg?. the weather is changing to true fall weather. today it is very brisk outside, and very refreshing, although all too soon we will be submerged under mountains of snow. i’d better get busy.

Thursday and yesterday, experimental filmmaker Zoe Beloff was on campus. On Thursday she presented two 3-D film works and on friday she showed 2 of her digital works. The 3-D films were a trip, i’ll tell you that. Not only were they in 3-D, which she jerry-rigged from parts scrounged from flea markets, they were also avant-garde in content which made them trippy experiences. the digital works were just as interesting in a totally different manner. they were like ‘choose-your-own-avant-garde-adventure’ interactive cdroms. friday evening i went over to my professor’s house for a party for Zoe. I was the youngest person there, but i’m always comfortable around older folks. The kind of party it was, was the kind of party i like most. Lots of intellectual chat.

I also got the perfect place scouted for my film shoot. turns out the guy who owns the place went to school with Syd Pollack and is going to give me full run of the damn place. suh-wee

its a nice day out today, which means we will be running steps in the stadium. in past years that consists of running all the way ’round the stadium going up and down each set of steps. i do not know if it is going to be the same this year or not. i do not know if my legs can handle it. i think they are getting stronger but i’ve also slightly pulled a quadricep and i have a shin splint or stress fracture in my left leg. if we would have one day of practice in which we did something fun and also athletic i am willing to bet more people would start showing up, one month of drills is killing morale. i’m working on a redesign for this site, still having trouble reconciling the javascript thing…but then again, i haven’t worked on it for a week.

well, i don’t have all that much to talk about today so i’ll just give the news. i turned in my first paper today and got a take-home midterm. my intermediate film class is a lot of work. working in the anthro department is not that stimulating although my alphabetizing skills are now exceptional. fencing practice was blah, about 1/3 of the team showed up. the next half of the semester after break is going to be busy as all get out. i have 2 10-15 page papers and of course my film to shoot, edit, etc. i sure hope i can handle it. next semester i’m taking it easy.

i suppose i’m un-American. i don’t want war with Iraq. I see no motivation for it apart from a familial grudge held by the man currently recognized as our the American president. i think the days of rampant die-hard nationalism are past. i believe it is time to focus and concentrate on a more global scale. i’m not talking about corporate globalization which in my opinion is nothing more than American imperialism under a different guise. i’m talking about global humanitarianism which of course is way too idealistic at this point. I do think, however, that it is high time we Americans at least start moving in that direction. Lord knows, much of the rest of the world is attempting to. i read somewhere that our the American government has a $400 billion budget for military spending. i’m pretty sure that is more than would be required to protect our America’s own borders. Instead, it is focused on protecting American ‘interests,’ a convenient term which can be molded to justify our American involvement anywhere. America could be a respected part of the world community instead of feared because of its power if we it could just stop being trigger-happy and realize that helping out others will help us America out in the long run.

i’ve never been what someone might call a troublemaker. mischievious yes, but i’m not a bad boy. in my grade school days, the very first time i got in trouble it was for curiosity not evil. i don’t even remember what i did, but i told my mother that i ‘just wanted to see what [being bad] was like.’ this still holds true today for me somewhat, i’m still mischievious, which at the age of 21 is now looked down upon, but i don’t care. i’m over the whole doing bad stuff because i wonder what it is like stage and i have moved to the i do ‘bad’ things because ‘i want to’ stage. and i always accept the consequences. granted, the ‘bad’ things i do aren’t awful like stealing or eating puppies or forcing people to listen to Linkin Park. Instead, i play 100% harmless pranks that for some reason always alarm the authority figures more than say, alcohol poisoned freshmen. How tossing a 5 day old blackened banana from a 4th story window in the general direction of someone you know (but never hitting them) is dangerous and foolish, i cannot understand. Nor can I understand how a rogue, vulgar section newsletter can undermine section unity (in fact it promotes it). Perhaps the definition of wrong is too broad. what i do isn’t wrong, its tasteless. but being tasteless has never been a crime has it?

I’m writing my first serious paper of the year for my film noir class. i’m writing on Charles Vidor’s Gilda. When I first saw it 2 years ago i thought it was a film noir; now, after a month or so of class i’m not so sure anymore. noir is such a nebulous category, it might not be a category at all and although Gilda has some very distinctive aspects associated with noir it also has some very un-noir characteristics. i’d better start writing again.

Booya!!! Notre Dame is off to a 5-0 start baby! My cousin Anthony came up for the game, his first for Notre Dame. Late last night i managed to scrounge up a ticket for him. I gave him the whirlwind tour and got him a free sandwich from the Knights of Columbus concession stand. Stanford seemed to keep us stupified for the first half and their only score was the result of a really confusing drive that began with a ‘roughing the center’ call. The referees sucked but a 31-7 victory ain’t nothing to complain about.

well, i have a new recurring dream. i’m glad too because it is a damn interesting one. my recurring dreams are always action/adventure stories. this one is a bit different in that it has a science-fiction twist. of course, i don’t remember all of the details but i’ll give out the chunks that i do remember. there are these ubermensch aliens with, of course, superior technology such as these sleek single person rocketships that are invisible when wet (which explains why they park the damn things in the swimming pool). They also have this mind power that is not quite telepathy but instead conveys emotion in such a specific way that it might as well be speech but functions better than speech. When they do it your head/vision is filled with this blue/white lava stuff that is really cool to watch. there is an unofficial group of friends (the only aliens in my dream are from this group) who are interested parties in the salvation of our species. we are stereotypically on the verge of destroying ourselves and we have also drawn the ire of the group of bad aliens (who I haven’t had the privilege of meeting yet). This is because of the vaguely psychohistorical prophecy that our species is going to do something either to or for the universe and this group doesn’t want it to happen for it will threaten their position (good enough reason to wipe out a race, eh?) Ostensibly, the friendly groups of aliens won’t tell me what the prophecy is in fear that it will negate its possibility. Also, for reasons unknown they have chosen me as their hero, except i’m not really me, instead i’m a heroic and infinitely determined version of myself. i’m also part alien myself but of course, i’m also ignorant to my own origins. i also have a regular human girlfriend who isn’t really a sidekick, more like we are the team the aliens need to foil the plot of the bad aliens. the reasons the aliens can’t do it themselves is due to the fact that the only ones possessing destructive tech are the bad guys.

thats all i can call to mind right now, next time i have it i’ll let you know anything new.

Welcome to the world of Janusz Bednarski, fencing coach.

What he says (thick Polish accent): Teoretikally, you all dzould be do-ink dee practiss ev-er-y day.

What he means: Get off your lazy bums and show some initiative, damn kids.

S: Ahh, dee at-letic office has written me zis letter (waves piece of paper) dat has very much persons on dee team ahh, list-ed. teoretikally, you all dzould be signing dee names to zem.

M: You are Notre Dame students, don’t you even know how to write your damn name? Stop creating useless paperwork for me.

S: ahh, ha-lo Michal (mee-how) my friend, i zee you are late for the practiss-ing again. Have you been out do-ink za drinkink and the dancink, and the partyink?

M: Next time you show up late i’m going to castrate you.

S: Now, ahh up! up! everybody and form da lines and do dee runnink. now…when i clasp you are jumpink and touchink the roof. on second clasp you are do-ink it leel bit faster.

M: I want to see you run around like idiots.

Generalization: Everyone in this world has seen or knows someone that they find so amazingly attractive in all ways that it hurts to be in their presence. I’ve got three girls that do this. one in my monday anthro class, one in my tuesday/thursday anthro class, and one on the cross-country team. i say everyone in the world has this, although i truly only know that this paradigm exists for me. it hurts because they are too much of everything for me. especially too good. perhaps my self-esteem is too low or too skewed. i think i am attractive enough, but i do not think anyone else thinks so. my personal self-esteem is fine, my social self-esteem is negligible. ain’t no thang but a chicken wing, right?