it hurt them more than it hurt me, so of course i would put a brave face on it and lie to their eyes as i told them i was feeling healthier and would see them in the morning. they couldn’t understand that i wanted to die.
i was worn out, dying is a rough business and all i wanted was some sleep. permanently. they were being strong and lying to me with the same brave face, telling me i looked better and that they’d see me in the morning. apparently they thought i needed it.
i’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have been able to comprehend that i was no longer suffering. the pain had long ago leached all physical sensation from my body. i was already in the other world, just tied to the body. when we are dying we are truly ghosts.
anyway, i let them tell themselves that they’d done their part and i watched them leave, pulling their doubt of my survival through the night on with their coats. i didn’t quite know what i looked like anymore, but the blanching faces of my family each time they came to visit let me know it never got better. oh well, that hadn’t been my concern for quite some time.
i don’t worry if they’ll be alright once i’m gone. its not that i don’t care, more like there is no point in worrying because i’m going to die anyway.
still, once they all left, it was much easier. if i died in front of them i would have had to have put on a good show, death rattle and all. i didn’t want to disappoint, besides every night they were expecting that phone call. i didn’t notify anyone of my intentions, the release date was not public, just a private showing for my friend the bed pan. only one box office return for me, six feet down. so i closed my eyes.
a protestant work ethic, coupled with a catholic guilt complex results in neverending stress for me. i got back two midterms and a paper, a- on all three. good for me. however, trying to get approval to shoot and to coordinate 7 different film shoots around everyone’s schedules and at the different times in three weeks is almost impossible. not to mention that i have a prospectus and annotated bibliography for one class, a quiz in another and a report due in yet another during this time. and in 5 years none of this will have mattered. in a 200, nothing i will have done will have mattered. how can i make a lasting impact on the world? and why do i want to? is it fame or altruism?
a hand picked list of search strings that have resulted in a hit on my site (there could be funnier ones, but I only see 50 and there are over 140 for this month):
- dirty toenails
- drunk and shaved my head
- girls that are crosseyed
- goth roommate from hell
- how to prevent a dislocated kneecap
- redheaded virgin catholic goth
- a written description of the appearance of a scary person
- funding circus performers 2002 (my personal favorite)
of all the things to have space age design, toothbrushes should be rather far down on the list, but instead of driving a car that runs off the constant bombardment of neutrinos from space, my toothbrush can do it all. I just bought it a few days ago. apart from the now standard ergonomic body design guaranteed to clean those hard to reach back teeth, my toothbrush also comes equipped with a unique microbristle design which cleans teeth better. the end of each regular bristle has been cut into many smaller bristlettes, hence the microbristle. the split-ends of the dontic world. it also has a flexible head to adjust to the contours of my mouth and a longer bristled tip to get behind those pesky back teeth again. Even the handle has been designed to fit nicely in the hand, it has several ridges on it which massage my thumb and forefinger for the whole minute and a half that i brush my teeth. The biggest selling point of the brush is its brand-spanking-new ‘whitening strip’ that curves between the bristles and apparently will give me whiter teeth in a few short weeks. all it is: a piece of flimsy rubber that acts like the automated car wash cloths on your teeth, a kind of back and forth slapping motion. Now, if they made an automated version that also gave me the morning news, then it’d be perfect. Unfortunately, I canna find a picture of it for it appears that the mentadent website is experiencing technical difficulties.
8-0!!!!! Beating our 4th ranked opponent of the season. Neal has unsuccessfully predicted our loss for two straight weeks. Maybe now we’ll get some respect. i was supposed to get the storyboards and a paper typed over break, I completed the storyboards, barely, and didn’t do shite on the paper. Starting Monday shit gets crazy again until mid december.
back, from remenyik, could’ve done better, but did ok. ND is 7-0, next weekend vs. Florida State. i’m going home momentarily, no updates till next saturday. i love you all.