who loves the hidden sides of ourselves? if we give us a compliment on expressed activity why do we demur, or give backhanded gratitude? why then do we get blue when our bushelbasketed talents wither in obscurity? why is it so hard to express love and the things of consequence to each other? why do we question instead of acting?
Wednesday, 27 November 2002
Monday, 25 November 2002
last night i put together an assembly of the rushes for Vice Versa. i think today we’ll probably watch them in class. I’m pretty sure the rest of class time is going to be spent watching clips. and talking about clips. or listening to Bill talk about clips. in minute and downward spiraling detail. i’d much rather just jump on the Steenbeck and go to town.
Sunday, 24 November 2002
-she looked up at me over her falafel and told me about her plans for spain. lots of literature it sounds like, and a film class that counts for literature. i wish i could read her. it is so easy spending time idly catching up and its true, as she says, that when we are around each other there really isn’t a need for doing so.
she’d never been to Elia’s which surprised me. its is awesome mediterranean food. i was pretty sure she was a vegetarian, and Elia’s has a great selection of said cuisine. personally, as an omnivore, i went with the kafta.
someone told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend. i didn’t bring it up. i like her, but as things work out, my last semester here she will be in Toledo. Where is the point in trying to see if she is interested? I still remember working with her at the Huddlemart and crushing on her quiet interest.
the same someone who told me also heard from the same person that told the someone who told me that she likes me alot. if of course i am the Adam that lives in Keough and is on the fencing team. (i’m 87% sure that it is me).
she just turned 21, 2 days before my 22nd. she seemed to have had an enjoyable birthday. and last night she had a wine and cheese party which i was invited to, but did not go to because i had a bad hotdog before the game and was slightly nauseaous.
so is this beauty slipping away? is this another ending? i don’t think i want it to be
Saturday, 23 November 2002
my last home game as a senior at Notre Dame has just ended. right now i am sobbing my eyes out. no longer will i be able to experience the unity and spirit of the student section at a home game as a member of the student body. as much as i have hated it here, seeing my friend PJ crying after the alma mater was played struck a chord deep within me. it hurts. oh god, it hurts. sitting next to PJ who was a member of my section freshman year, and crying with him reminded me of each year of my time here and the memories associated with it. Freshman year my seats were in the endzone and i painted my entire body for every game. sophomore year was similar except that my seats moved a little farther downfield. junior year i learned a little safety and started wearing actual clothes to the colder games. and this year, my senior year has exceeded all expectation. i never expected to be 10-1. i never planned that my last home game as a student would be against the same team that my first Notre Dame game was against: Rutgers. both games were shutouts and both contain their own special aura. this is the first great ending in my life as a senior. when i called my mother she didn’t actually think i was crying. she didn’t really understand, which is ok. next, i called my uncle Corbin, who took me to my first home game. he understood. it is incredibly hard to not have any feelings for a team and a student body that you have rejoiced and sobbed with through victory and defeat for 4 years. oh god, i want my team to do so well, and i want to help them in any way i can. my heart is on the field with them every time they play. i might not understand the intricacies of football but dammit i know what it feels like to want to win with all your power. its so wonderful and so horrible. at least i recognize the importance of this day, but it hurts so much to know it will never happen again, in this same way. i remember my sophomore year and our game against #1 Nebraska. we took those motherfuckers to overtime despite their sea of red. my freshman year, beating Michigan at Michigan, and rubbing salt into the wounds of those unsportsmanlike bastards. the debacle of the Fiesta Bowl and Bob Davie and his whining. our losing season my junior year. and then, this year, not over yet, but glorious all the same. an 8-0 start with a new coach Tyrone, who is nothing but business and respect, who recognizes and desires our participation and demands in the most important ways, excellence from my team: Notre Dame. This year has taught me what it means to be a Notre Dame fan. what it means to love a team, and scream until you lose your voice for victory. when each half fights for the other victory is almost assured. my tears have dried up a bit. but i hope the memories never will. this crying sadness is a good one, i have loyalty, respect, and drive for my fellow students, and i love the ways in which we show our own drives for excellence.
Friday, 22 November 2002
Before we get to the mp3 i’ve got some news. my good friend Meagan painted me this sweet ass watercolor from Lord of the Rings, Its when Sam helps Frodo out of the water after Old Man Willow has entranced them. Its farking badass. I have one and you don’t so there.
also, here are some pics from my film shoots and from the trip to Penn State.
The Friday mp3
I’ve chosen a song by B.B. King this week. I’ve Got to Move Out of This Neighborhood (Nobody Loves Me but My Mother). If you know anything about the blues I don’t need to say anything. If you know nothing about the blues…listen and learn.
Thursday, 21 November 2002
i spent my birthday asleep. i went to bed at 9:30. maybe i am depressed. i have three weeks to complete 22 pages of papers and to edit my 16mm film. my day began at 8am and will end at 1am tomorrow morning. i went to schedule a haircut for sometime next week and then went to the library to watch the movie i missed on sunday because my film noir teacher forgets students have other things to do besides his class and assigned an extra screening. either that or i was going to watch a film for my 10 page film noir paper and presentation that he also is having us do. too bad the library doesn’t have either film. wtf is that shit? so i wasted 40 minutes walking to and from the library. i also have editing to do the only available time in the editing room is from 10pm-1am today, this is because 6 other intermediate projects and 4 advanced projects all have to use the same 4 steenbecks. 11 film projects + regular classtime + partner’s schedule – Advanced class priority / 4 Steenbecks = late night editing for me. I just want my fucking degree.