How to be a College Guy or How to do Nothing and Love It

a blog entry entitled: “How to be a College Guy” or “How to do Nothing and Love It”

wake up to the incessant raucousness of your alarm clock; if it is not yet 2:00pm hit snooze and go back to sleep. when early afternoon rolls around arise groggily, perhaps hungover from your slumber, kick your books in front of the closet and proceed to the restroom. take a long and satisfying urination. then take an even longer and more satisfying defecation. this is quite possibly the most relaxing point of your day. wander back to your room and grab a towel. (Nota Bene: If you live in an apartment you may skip the shower step and proceed directly toward breakfast. Since I don’t live in an apartment, i will take a shower). Shower. when back to your room, toss your books onto the couch, away from the closet. reach in and grab the first thing that your hand touches. put it on. find yesterday’s pants. wear them. curse and take off your shirt. apply deodorant. reapply shirt. scratch yourself and head to breakfast with your buddies. On the way to breakfast, at either the dining hall or a local eatery, poke fun at the dubious sexuality of whichever buddy it has been agreed upon (with no words actually being spoken to determine this) has dubious sexuality for that day. If you are the chosen one, defend yourself by making graphic comments regarding the amounts of fornication in which you have engaged with their various and sundry mothers and sisters. Order a burger for breakfast. smother the fries with cheese and ketchup. if it is after 3:00pm order a beer to go with it.

return home. realize you have skipped all your classes. don’t care about this. realize that it is actually the weekend. care about this. turn on the game. (doesn’t really matter what game). pop open a beer. throw books off couch. watch game. Curse longly and loudly at the officiating and the performances of the players. even if you don’t give a shit who wins. after the game play something violent on your videogame console for several hours. scream fuck fuck fuck constantly while killing killing killing. get up from the couch. trip over your books. mutter. kick books under TV. proceed to restroom and take a long and satisfying urination. scratch yourself and let a long and disgusting fart rip through the room. infectiously giggle and leave before the smell drives you away. hop on the computer and check your email. look at pr0n. disgusting pr0n. call in your buddies to look at said disgusting pr0n. laugh in disgust at said pr0n. go play basketball. after the game, go to a restaurant and order an inordinately large amount of buffalo wings. eat them all and get seconds. drink beer to wash them down. eat more wings to wash beer down. cycle, rinse, repeat. go home. mention something about studying, but do nothing because you can’t find your books.

shower, change into party clothes. talk with your friends about your chances of getting some that night. always positive. tell your friend that has no game that you will get a girl for yourself and one for him too. go to party. chauvinize. drink lots of beer. forget everything, dance and make out with a girl you don’t later remember but you’re friends later term as “the fat ugly chick.” return home wasted. watch sportscenter. find books under TV. carry them to your room and drop them on the floor. go to the restroom and take a long and satisfying urination. remove pants. scratch yourself. walk back to your room carrying your pants. turn on alarm clock. fall face first on bed. rip some noisome ass. sigh. pass out.