6 Ways to Skin a Cat

Wednesday, 26 March 2003

The Direct Approach

  1. Kill Cat.
  2. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.

Corollary: That shirt looks very be­com­ing on you, and if I were on you I’d be com­ing too.*

The Indirect Approach

  1. Obtain kit­ten.
  2. Raise kit­ten in­to cat.
  3. Provide food, toys, vet­eri­nary as­sis­tance, at­ten­tion, love.
  4. Wait un­til cat dies.
  5. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.

Corollary: Let her make the first move. Implode.*

The Athletic Approach

  1. Kill cat with golf club.
  2. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.
  4. Gut cat.
  5. Take catgut and make ten­nis rack­et.
  6. Remove head of cat.
  7. Use as ten­nis ball.

Corollary: (flex­ing) Have you seen the weight­room? Nevermind, I’ll find it.*

The Gourmet Approach

  1. Purchase healthy pure­bred Persian.
  2. Smother with 10M (mo­lar) Trichloromethane (chlo­ro­form).
  3. Boil 10 gal­lons wa­ter.
  4. Boil Persian in wa­ter for 8 hours.
  5. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.
  7. Have skin made in­to ta­ble runner/​trivet.
  8. Boil cat in­to stew with lentils and long-grain rice.
  9. Serve with but­ter-glazed sweet­rolls on ta­ble trimmed with cat skin.

An op­tion­al New Year’s Day meal. Cat is the new pork.

Corollary: You are my sun, moon, and stars. You are my breath, sight, and life. Each taste, each touch, is noth­ing com­pared to the gift that is you. I would glad­ly sac­ri­fice my goals, as­pi­ra­tions and soul just to get in­to your pants… shit!*

The Humane Approach

  1. Find fer­al cat with fe­line HIV or fe­line leukemia.
  2. Have cat put down.
  3. Send cat to taxi­der­mist.
  4. Taxidermist will make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  5. Peel.

Corollary: Set promis­cu­ous girl up with horny friend. She’ll get stuffed.*

The Anarchist Approach

  1. Bury cat up to neck in back­yard.
  2. Fire up rid­ing lawn­mow­er.
  3. Mow back­yard.
  4. Get post­hole dig­ger.
  5. Remove cat.
  6. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  7. Gut cat.
  8. Fill cav­i­ty with black pow­der.
  9. Light cat’s tail.
  10. Throw at near­est gov­ern­men­tal build­ing.

Corollary: Club her on the head and drag her by her hair in­to your apartment/​cave.*

*does not work well.

National Champions

Tuesday, 25 March 2003

last tues­day i left for Colorado Springs, CO to sup­port my team­mates at the NCAA fenc­ing cham­pi­onships. it was quite the trip. Those who drove were 4: Steve, Mad Dog, Matty, and my­self. the first 18 hours of our dri­ve out there were fine; un­til we ar­rived in Colorado amid the af­ter­math of one of their worst bliz­zards in years. I-70 was closed 12 miles in­to Colorado de­spite the fact that there was nary a snowflake on the ground. we de­toured to CO-25 which was al­so closed. we de­toured to CO-40, closed. we end­ed up go­ing all the way to Pueblo and then drove north till we ar­rived in Colorado Springs. 8 miles south of Colorado Springs we fi­nal­ly saw some snow, by the next day most of it had melt­ed.

we beat the team out there de­spite leav­ing af­ter they did. they’re flight was laid over at St. Louis and the next day they had a con­nec­tion in Houston be­fore fi­nal­ly get­ting in­to Colorado. the tour­na­ment was sup­posed to start on Thursday and con­clude on Sunday but since none of the teams could make it out on time they resched­uled and had a com­bined tour­na­ment last­ing all day sat­ur­day and all day sun­day. tough stuff with the al­ti­tude.

that left us with two full days to kill. since the Super 8 we were stay­ing at was lit­er­al­ly 30 feet from the Drury Inn where the rest of the team was, most of our time was spent over there goof­ing around, uti­liz­ing the hot tub, etc. Janusz was glad we were out there so we didn’t have to pay for our meals for most of the trip. we went to a bar one night, saw Chicago as a team and ate and ate and ate. the night be­fore the tour­na­ment we had a team meet­ing and every­one got their goals.

the first day of com­pe­ti­tion was in­tense. our fencers dropped a few bouts here and there, and the di­rect­ing was a bit try­ing at times, but by the end of the day we had a nice cush­ion in 1st place, al­though we still knew it was go­ing to be quite close. the 2nd and fi­nal day was a roller­coast­er of emo­tion the en­tire day. we were on­ly up by one bout in the fi­nal round with Penn State right on our heels. we need­ed any com­bi­na­tion of 3 ND wins or 3 PSU loss­es to se­cure the vic­to­ry. we won. there was pan­de­mo­ni­um. all of those clich s about win­ning and be­ing a champion…are true when you re­al­ly are one.

our AD Bernard took us to Carrabba’s an ber-nice Italian place in cel­e­bra­tion. on­ce we got back to the hotel a few folks went on an al­co­hol run and a bunch of us went to the bars. i like tequi­la shots. we played a few games of pool, just re­laxed with our team and a few peo­ple from the oth­er mid­west teams. then we went back to the hotel, par­tied a bit more and hit the road home. (Mad Dog drove first, he hadn’t par­tak­en be­cause he is on an­tibi­otics). 20 hours lat­er we ar­rived in South Bend. ex­haust­ed but vic­to­ri­ous.

i can­not speak, my voice is shot from yelling. i shot plen­ty of footage to make a swee­t­ass video and took a ton of pic­tures. we are cham­pi­ons! i am a cham­pi­on! w00t!

Politricks and Fencing Championships

Tuesday, 18 March 2003

at 6 this evening i’m dri­ving out to Colorado Springs, CO and the USAFA for the NCAA fenc­ing cham­pi­onships. It is about a 19 hour dri­ve and at the end of it i still might not be able to watch my team com­pete for the cham­pi­onship. i had to sub­mit my so­cial se­cu­ri­ty num­ber, driver’s li­cense num­ber, etc. in or­der to get se­cu­ri­ty clear­ance to get on the base. at all times i must have two forms of pic­ture ID. but on­ce the war starts not even that will get me on the base. i’m still go­ing out dammit.

what a stu­pid ul­ti­ma­tum from Dubya. yeah like that is EVER go­ing to hap­pen. might as well re­quire the im­pos­si­ble so we can start bomb­ing on sched­ule. any­thing for the war. even if the ul­ty did work i’d still be creeped out be­cause the US would be able to co­erce a coun­try in­to es­sen­tial­ly giv­ing up its sov­er­eign­ty. jee­bus.

what the in­ter­net needs is a bes­tiary of myth­i­cal beasts. and a good one at that. the on­ly ones i’ve found have been crap. may­be i could start my own if i had some time. mea­gan will you draw the crit­ters and creepy crawlies?

Trogdor the Arcade Game!

I’ll be back some­time next mon­day un­less NORAD and the USAFA get nuked by Iraqis.

St. Patrick’s Day at Notre Dame

Monday, 17 March 2003

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! w00t! This is the on­ly St. Patrick’s day that I’ve had the plea­sure of ex­pe­ri­enc­ing at Notre Dame. For some un­be­known­st rea­son, ND usu­al­ly arranges it so that March 17 is dur­ing Spring Break. Hypocritical that the pre­mier Irish-Catholic uni­ver­si­ty avoids cel­e­brat­ing said day? of course, ’tis to be ex­pect­ed. We can’t have the stu­dents of the Fighting Irish drink­ing and carous­ing now can we. Yes, i know the Irish (i.e. peo­ple in Ireland) don’t ac­tu­al­ly cel­e­brate St. Patrick’s Day by cov­er­ing them­selves in green plaid and drink­ing green beer, but isn’t in keep­ing with American cul­ture to bas­tardize oth­er cul­tures to our own ends? Notre Dame was found­ed by the French but is now Irish… and we have even twist­ed the pro­nun­ci­a­tion of our Lady. what­ev­er. its 65 out­side, sun­ny, i ain’t got shit to do till next week and i’m a se­nior. things can­na get much bet­ter. i’m gonna go find a bit o whiskey.

Debt

Sunday, 16 March 2003

i re­ceived a no­tice in the mail the oth­er day ex­plain­ing to me just how much mon­ey i owe the fed­er­al gov­ern­ment for my Stafford loans. now i feel like a true adult, be­cause i have some­thing re­sem­bling adult size debt. dis­cussing this with re­al adults has led me to con­clude that debt on­ly grows, and nev­er re­al­ly de­creas­es. i will not let this hap­pen to me. i’m the type of per­son who will live off of mac&cheese un­til i get it paid off. i do not like be­ing be­hold­en to any­one.

$17125 is a lot of debt for some­one who on­ly makes $80 bucks every two weeks.

Dream Rules

Saturday, 15 March 2003

if you ever find your­self in one of my dreams al­ways re­mem­ber this. any­one drink­ing tea has been or is about to lie to you. that in­cludes you and me. if you are drink­ing tea, you have been ly­ing to your­self about some­thing. when i drink tea in my dreams it is al­ways Earl Grey. and if peo­ple are drink­ing in my dreams, it is al­most al­ways tea. no one ever drinks cof­fee, be­cause i don’t like cof­fee. some­times some­one will be drink­ing wine, but the wine tastes like a cran/​grape com­bo even though it re­tains its al­co­holic ef­fects. the­se winedrinkers don’t lie any more than reg­u­lar folks. Tea drinkers al­ways lie. the­se tea drinkers some­times use hon­ey in their tea. when this hap­pens they are about to tell an es­pe­cial­ly good lie. so be­ware. nev­er go to Britain in one of my dreams.

Job Market III

Wednesday, 12 March 2003

back at ND af­ter my 3 day spring break. i’ve writ­ten a gener­ic cov­er let­ter and am primed to send it out amongst var­i­ous pro­duc­tion com­pa­nies to see if they would like to hire me. do you know of any­place to work? i’ll go any­where. i’m se­ri­ous. i have three more things to type to­day. a re­spon­se pa­per for my film the­o­ry class, a study re­spon­se for my Otherworldly Literature class and a pa­per pro­pos­al for the same class. i’m pret­ty sure i’m go­ing to write my pa­per on the use of mem­o­ry in Tolkien’s writ­ings. Tentative ti­tle is: “Memory, Lore and Atavism: The Role of the Past in Tolkien’s Fa rie.”

Apparently the fenc­ing cham­pi­onships are go­ing to be closed to the gen­er­al pub­lic. we’ll see if we can pull some strings. stu­pid com­ing war.