6 Ways to Skin a Cat

Wednesday, 26 March 2003

The Direct Approach

  1. Kill Cat.
  2. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.

Corollary: That shirt looks very be­com­ing on you, and if I were on you I’d be com­ing too.*

The Indirect Approach

  1. Obtain kit­ten.
  2. Raise kit­ten into cat.
  3. Provide food, toys, vet­eri­nary as­sis­tance, at­ten­tion, love.
  4. Wait un­til cat dies.
  5. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.

Corollary: Let her make the first move. Implode.*

The Athletic Approach

  1. Kill cat with golf club.
  2. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.
  4. Gut cat.
  5. Take catgut and make ten­nis racket.
  6. Remove head of cat.
  7. Use as ten­nis ball.

Corollary: (flex­ing) Have you seen the weight­room? Nevermind, I’ll find it.*

The Gourmet Approach

  1. Purchase healthy pure­bred Persian.
  2. Smother with 10M (mo­lar) Trichloromethane (chlo­ro­form).
  3. Boil 10 gal­lons wa­ter.
  4. Boil Persian in wa­ter for 8 hours.
  5. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.
  7. Have skin made into ta­ble runner/​trivet.
  8. Boil cat into stew with lentils and long-grain rice.
  9. Serve with but­ter-glazed sweet­rolls on ta­ble trimmed with cat skin.

An op­tional New Year’s Day meal. Cat is the new pork.

Corollary: You are my sun, moon, and stars. You are my breath, sight, and life. Each taste, each touch, is noth­ing com­pared to the gift that is you. I would gladly sac­ri­fice my goals, as­pi­ra­tions and soul just to get into your pants… shit!*

The Humane Approach

  1. Find feral cat with fe­line HIV or fe­line leukemia.
  2. Have cat put down.
  3. Send cat to taxi­der­mist.
  4. Taxidermist will make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  5. Peel.

Corollary: Set promis­cu­ous girl up with horny friend. She’ll get stuffed.*

The Anarchist Approach

  1. Bury cat up to neck in back­yard.
  2. Fire up rid­ing lawn­mower.
  3. Mow back­yard.
  4. Get post­hole dig­ger.
  5. Remove cat.
  6. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  7. Gut cat.
  8. Fill cav­ity with black pow­der.
  9. Light cat’s tail.
  10. Throw at near­est gov­ern­men­tal build­ing.

Corollary: Club her on the head and drag her by her hair into your apartment/​cave.*

*does not work well.

National Champions

Tuesday, 25 March 2003

last tues­day i left for Colorado Springs, CO to sup­port my team­mates at the NCAA fenc­ing cham­pi­onships. it was quite the trip. Those who drove were 4: Steve, Mad Dog, Matty, and my­self. the first 18 hours of our drive out there were fine; un­til we ar­rived in Colorado amid the af­ter­math of one of their worst bliz­zards in years. I-70 was closed 12 miles into Colorado de­spite the fact that there was nary a snowflake on the ground. we de­toured to CO-25 which was also closed. we de­toured to CO-40, closed. we ended up go­ing all the way to Pueblo and then drove north till we ar­rived in Colorado Springs. 8 miles south of Colorado Springs we fi­nally saw some snow, by the next day most of it had melted.

we beat the team out there de­spite leav­ing af­ter they did. they’re flight was laid over at St. Louis and the next day they had a con­nec­tion in Houston be­fore fi­nally get­ting into Colorado. the tour­na­ment was sup­posed to start on Thursday and con­clude on Sunday but since none of the teams could make it out on time they resched­uled and had a com­bined tour­na­ment last­ing all day sat­ur­day and all day sun­day. tough stuff with the al­ti­tude.

that left us with two full days to kill. since the Super 8 we were stay­ing at was lit­er­ally 30 feet from the Drury Inn where the rest of the team was, most of our time was spent over there goof­ing around, uti­liz­ing the hot tub, etc. Janusz was glad we were out there so we didn’t have to pay for our meals for most of the trip. we went to a bar one night, saw Chicago as a team and ate and ate and ate. the night be­fore the tour­na­ment we had a team meet­ing and every­one got their goals.

the first day of com­pe­ti­tion was in­tense. our fencers dropped a few bouts here and there, and the di­rect­ing was a bit try­ing at times, but by the end of the day we had a nice cush­ion in 1st place, al­though we still knew it was go­ing to be quite close. the 2nd and fi­nal day was a roller­coaster of emo­tion the en­tire day. we were only up by one bout in the fi­nal round with Penn State right on our heels. we needed any com­bi­na­tion of 3 ND wins or 3 PSU losses to se­cure the vic­tory. we won. there was pan­de­mo­nium. all of those clich s about win­ning and be­ing a champion…are true when you re­ally are one.

our AD Bernard took us to Carrabba’s an ber-nice Italian place in cel­e­bra­tion. once we got back to the hotel a few folks went on an al­co­hol run and a bunch of us went to the bars. i like tequila shots. we played a few games of pool, just re­laxed with our team and a few peo­ple from the other mid­west teams. then we went back to the hotel, par­tied a bit more and hit the road home. (Mad Dog drove first, he hadn’t par­taken be­cause he is on an­tibi­otics). 20 hours later we ar­rived in South Bend. ex­hausted but vic­to­ri­ous.

i can­not speak, my voice is shot from yelling. i shot plenty of footage to make a swee­t­ass video and took a ton of pic­tures. we are cham­pi­ons! i am a cham­pion! w00t!

Politricks and Fencing Championships

Tuesday, 18 March 2003

at 6 this evening i’m dri­ving out to Colorado Springs, CO and the USAFA for the NCAA fenc­ing cham­pi­onships. It is about a 19 hour drive and at the end of it i still might not be able to watch my team com­pete for the cham­pi­onship. i had to sub­mit my so­cial se­cu­rity num­ber, driver’s li­cense num­ber, etc. in or­der to get se­cu­rity clear­ance to get on the base. at all times i must have two forms of pic­ture ID. but once the war starts not even that will get me on the base. i’m still go­ing out dammit.

what a stu­pid ul­ti­ma­tum from Dubya. yeah like that is EVER go­ing to hap­pen. might as well re­quire the im­pos­si­ble so we can start bomb­ing on sched­ule. any­thing for the war. even if the ulty did work i’d still be creeped out be­cause the US would be able to co­erce a coun­try into es­sen­tially giv­ing up its sov­er­eignty. jee­bus.

what the in­ter­net needs is a bes­tiary of myth­i­cal beasts. and a good one at that. the only ones i’ve found have been crap. maybe i could start my own if i had some time. mea­gan will you draw the crit­ters and creepy crawlies?

Trogdor the Arcade Game!

I’ll be back some­time next mon­day un­less NORAD and the USAFA get nuked by Iraqis.

St. Patrick’s Day at Notre Dame

Monday, 17 March 2003

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! w00t! This is the only St. Patrick’s day that I’ve had the plea­sure of ex­pe­ri­enc­ing at Notre Dame. For some un­be­knownst rea­son, ND usu­ally arranges it so that March 17 is dur­ing Spring Break. Hypocritical that the pre­mier Irish-Catholic uni­ver­sity avoids cel­e­brat­ing said day? of course, ’tis to be ex­pected. We can’t have the stu­dents of the Fighting Irish drink­ing and carous­ing now can we. Yes, i know the Irish (i.e. peo­ple in Ireland) don’t ac­tu­ally cel­e­brate St. Patrick’s Day by cov­er­ing them­selves in green plaid and drink­ing green beer, but isn’t in keep­ing with American cul­ture to bas­tardize other cul­tures to our own ends? Notre Dame was founded by the French but is now Irish… and we have even twisted the pro­nun­ci­a­tion of our Lady. what­ever. its 65 out­side, sunny, i ain’t got shit to do till next week and i’m a se­nior. things canna get much bet­ter. i’m gonna go find a bit o whiskey.

Debt

Sunday, 16 March 2003

i re­ceived a no­tice in the mail the other day ex­plain­ing to me just how much money i owe the fed­eral gov­ern­ment for my Stafford loans. now i feel like a true adult, be­cause i have some­thing re­sem­bling adult size debt. dis­cussing this with real adults has led me to con­clude that debt only grows, and never re­ally de­creases. i will not let this hap­pen to me. i’m the type of per­son who will live off of mac&cheese un­til i get it paid off. i do not like be­ing be­holden to any­one.

$17125 is a lot of debt for some­one who only makes $80 bucks every two weeks.

Dream Rules

Saturday, 15 March 2003

if you ever find your­self in one of my dreams al­ways re­mem­ber this. any­one drink­ing tea has been or is about to lie to you. that in­cludes you and me. if you are drink­ing tea, you have been ly­ing to your­self about some­thing. when i drink tea in my dreams it is al­ways Earl Grey. and if peo­ple are drink­ing in my dreams, it is al­most al­ways tea. no one ever drinks cof­fee, be­cause i don’t like cof­fee. some­times some­one will be drink­ing wine, but the wine tastes like a cran/​grape combo even though it re­tains its al­co­holic ef­fects. these winedrinkers don’t lie any more than reg­u­lar folks. Tea drinkers al­ways lie. these tea drinkers some­times use honey in their tea. when this hap­pens they are about to tell an es­pe­cially good lie. so be­ware. never go to Britain in one of my dreams.

Job Market III

Wednesday, 12 March 2003

back at ND af­ter my 3 day spring break. i’ve writ­ten a generic cover let­ter and am primed to send it out amongst var­i­ous pro­duc­tion com­pa­nies to see if they would like to hire me. do you know of any­place to work? i’ll go any­where. i’m se­ri­ous. i have three more things to type to­day. a re­sponse pa­per for my film the­ory class, a study re­sponse for my Otherworldly Literature class and a pa­per pro­posal for the same class. i’m pretty sure i’m go­ing to write my pa­per on the use of mem­ory in Tolkien’s writ­ings. Tentative ti­tle is: “Memory, Lore and Atavism: The Role of the Past in Tolkien’s Fa rie.”

Apparently the fenc­ing cham­pi­onships are go­ing to be closed to the gen­eral pub­lic. we’ll see if we can pull some strings. stu­pid com­ing war.