6 Ways to Skin a Cat

The Direct Approach

  1. Kill Cat.
  2. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.

Corol­lary: That shirt looks very becom­ing on you, and if I were on you I’d be com­ing too.*

The Indirect Approach

  1. Obtain kit­ten.
  2. Raise kit­ten into cat.
  3. Pro­vide food, toys, vet­eri­nary assis­tance, atten­tion, love.
  4. Wait until cat dies.
  5. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.

Corol­lary: Let her make the first move. Implode.*

The Athletic Approach

  1. Kill cat with golf club.
  2. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.
  4. Gut cat.
  5. Take catgut and make ten­nis rack­et.
  6. Remove head of cat.
  7. Use as ten­nis ball.

Corol­lary: (flex­ing) Have you seen the weight­room? Nev­er­mind, I’ll find it.*

The Gourmet Approach

  1. Pur­chase healthy pure­bred Per­sian.
  2. Smoth­er with 10M (molar) Trichloromethane (chlo­ro­form).
  3. Boil 10 gal­lons water.
  4. Boil Per­sian in water for 8 hours.
  5. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.
  7. Have skin made into table runner/trivet.
  8. Boil cat into stew with lentils and long-grain rice.
  9. Serve with but­ter-glazed sweet­rolls on table trimmed with cat skin.

An option­al New Year’s Day meal. Cat is the new pork.

Corol­lary: You are my sun, moon, and stars. You are my breath, sight, and life. Each taste, each touch, is noth­ing com­pared to the gift that is you. I would glad­ly sac­ri­fice my goals, aspi­ra­tions and soul just to get into your pants… shit!*

The Humane Approach

  1. Find fer­al cat with feline HIV or feline leukemia.
  2. Have cat put down.
  3. Send cat to taxi­der­mist.
  4. Taxi­der­mist will make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  5. Peel.

Corol­lary: Set promis­cu­ous girl up with horny friend. She’ll get stuffed.*

The Anarchist Approach

  1. Bury cat up to neck in back­yard.
  2. Fire up rid­ing lawn­mow­er.
  3. Mow back­yard.
  4. Get post­hole dig­ger.
  5. Remove cat.
  6. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  7. Gut cat.
  8. Fill cav­i­ty with black pow­der.
  9. Light cat’s tail.
  10. Throw at near­est gov­ern­men­tal build­ing.

Corol­lary: Club her on the head and drag her by her hair into your apartment/cave.*

*does not work well.

National Champions

last tues­day i left for Col­orado Springs, CO to sup­port my team­mates at the NCAA fenc­ing cham­pi­onships. it was quite the trip. Those who drove were 4: Steve, Mad Dog, Mat­ty, and myself. the first 18 hours of our dri­ve out there were fine; until we arrived in Col­orado amid the after­math of one of their worst bliz­zards in years. I-70 was closed 12 miles into Col­orado despite the fact that there was nary a snowflake on the ground. we detoured to CO-25 which was also closed. we detoured to CO-40, closed. we end­ed up going all the way to Pueblo and then drove north till we arrived in Col­orado Springs. 8 miles south of Col­orado Springs we final­ly saw some snow, by the next day most of it had melt­ed.

we beat the team out there despite leav­ing after they did. they’re flight was laid over at St. Louis and the next day they had a con­nec­tion in Hous­ton before final­ly get­ting into Col­orado. the tour­na­ment was sup­posed to start on Thurs­day and con­clude on Sun­day but since none of the teams could make it out on time they resched­uled and had a com­bined tour­na­ment last­ing all day sat­ur­day and all day sun­day. tough stuff with the alti­tude.

that left us with two full days to kill. since the Super 8 we were stay­ing at was lit­er­al­ly 30 feet from the Drury Inn where the rest of the team was, most of our time was spent over there goof­ing around, uti­liz­ing the hot tub, etc. Janusz was glad we were out there so we didn’t have to pay for our meals for most of the trip. we went to a bar one night, saw Chica­go as a team and ate and ate and ate. the night before the tour­na­ment we had a team meet­ing and every­one got their goals.

the first day of com­pe­ti­tion was intense. our fencers dropped a few bouts here and there, and the direct­ing was a bit try­ing at times, but by the end of the day we had a nice cush­ion in 1st place, although we still knew it was going to be quite close. the 2nd and final day was a roller­coast­er of emo­tion the entire day. we were only up by one bout in the final round with Penn State right on our heels. we need­ed any com­bi­na­tion of 3 ND wins or 3 PSU loss­es to secure the vic­to­ry. we won. there was pan­de­mo­ni­um. all of those clich s about win­ning and being a champion…are true when you real­ly are one.

our AD Bernard took us to Carrabba’s an ber-nice Ital­ian place in cel­e­bra­tion. once we got back to the hotel a few folks went on an alco­hol run and a bunch of us went to the bars. i like tequi­la shots. we played a few games of pool, just relaxed with our team and a few peo­ple from the oth­er mid­west teams. then we went back to the hotel, par­tied a bit more and hit the road home. (Mad Dog drove first, he hadn’t par­tak­en because he is on antibi­otics). 20 hours lat­er we arrived in South Bend. exhaust­ed but vic­to­ri­ous.

i can­not speak, my voice is shot from yelling. i shot plen­ty of footage to make a swee­t­ass video and took a ton of pic­tures. we are cham­pi­ons! i am a cham­pi­on! w00t!

Politricks and Fencing Championships

at 6 this evening i’m dri­ving out to Col­orado Springs, CO and the USAFA for the NCAA fenc­ing cham­pi­onships. It is about a 19 hour dri­ve and at the end of it i still might not be able to watch my team com­pete for the cham­pi­onship. i had to sub­mit my social secu­ri­ty num­ber, driver’s license num­ber, etc. in order to get secu­ri­ty clear­ance to get on the base. at all times i must have two forms of pic­ture ID. but once the war starts not even that will get me on the base. i’m still going out dammit.

what a stu­pid ulti­ma­tum from Dubya. yeah like that is EVER going to hap­pen. might as well require the impos­si­ble so we can start bomb­ing on sched­ule. any­thing for the war. even if the ulty did work i’d still be creeped out because the US would be able to coerce a coun­try into essen­tial­ly giv­ing up its sov­er­eign­ty. jee­bus.

what the inter­net needs is a bes­tiary of myth­i­cal beasts. and a good one at that. the only ones i’ve found have been crap. maybe i could start my own if i had some time. mea­gan will you draw the crit­ters and creepy crawlies?

Trog­dor the Arcade Game!

I’ll be back some­time next mon­day unless NORAD and the USAFA get nuked by Iraqis.

St. Patrick’s Day at Notre Dame

Hap­py St. Patrick’s Day! w00t! This is the only St. Patrick’s day that I’ve had the plea­sure of expe­ri­enc­ing at Notre Dame. For some unbe­knownst rea­son, ND usu­al­ly arranges it so that March 17 is dur­ing Spring Break. Hyp­o­crit­i­cal that the pre­mier Irish-Catholic uni­ver­si­ty avoids cel­e­brat­ing said day? of course, ’tis to be expect­ed. We can’t have the stu­dents of the Fight­ing Irish drink­ing and carous­ing now can we. Yes, i know the Irish (i.e. peo­ple in Ire­land) don’t actu­al­ly cel­e­brate St. Patrick’s Day by cov­er­ing them­selves in green plaid and drink­ing green beer, but isn’t in keep­ing with Amer­i­can cul­ture to bas­tardize oth­er cul­tures to our own ends? Notre Dame was found­ed by the French but is now Irish… and we have even twist­ed the pro­nun­ci­a­tion of our Lady. what­ev­er. its 65 out­side, sun­ny, i ain’t got shit to do till next week and i’m a senior. things can­na get much bet­ter. i’m gonna go find a bit o whiskey.

Debt

i received a notice in the mail the oth­er day explain­ing to me just how much mon­ey i owe the fed­er­al gov­ern­ment for my Stafford loans. now i feel like a true adult, because i have some­thing resem­bling adult size debt. dis­cussing this with real adults has led me to con­clude that debt only grows, and nev­er real­ly decreas­es. i will not let this hap­pen to me. i’m the type of per­son who will live off of mac&cheese until i get it paid off. i do not like being behold­en to any­one.

$17125 is a lot of debt for some­one who only makes $80 bucks every two weeks.

Dream Rules

if you ever find your­self in one of my dreams always remem­ber this. any­one drink­ing tea has been or is about to lie to you. that includes you and me. if you are drink­ing tea, you have been lying to your­self about some­thing. when i drink tea in my dreams it is always Earl Grey. and if peo­ple are drink­ing in my dreams, it is almost always tea. no one ever drinks cof­fee, because i don’t like cof­fee. some­times some­one will be drink­ing wine, but the wine tastes like a cran/grape com­bo even though it retains its alco­holic effects. these winedrinkers don’t lie any more than reg­u­lar folks. Tea drinkers always lie. these tea drinkers some­times use hon­ey in their tea. when this hap­pens they are about to tell an espe­cial­ly good lie. so beware. nev­er go to Britain in one of my dreams.

Job Market III

back at ND after my 3 day spring break. i’ve writ­ten a gener­ic cov­er let­ter and am primed to send it out amongst var­i­ous pro­duc­tion com­pa­nies to see if they would like to hire me. do you know of any­place to work? i’ll go any­where. i’m seri­ous. i have three more things to type today. a response paper for my film the­o­ry class, a study response for my Oth­er­world­ly Lit­er­a­ture class and a paper pro­pos­al for the same class. i’m pret­ty sure i’m going to write my paper on the use of mem­o­ry in Tolkien’s writ­ings. Ten­ta­tive title is: “Mem­o­ry, Lore and Atavism: The Role of the Past in Tolkien’s Fa rie.”

Appar­ent­ly the fenc­ing cham­pi­onships are going to be closed to the gen­er­al pub­lic. we’ll see if we can pull some strings. stu­pid com­ing war.