6 Ways to Skin a Cat

The Direct Approach

  1. Kill Cat.
  2. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.

Corollary: That shirt looks very be­com­ing on you, and if I were on you I’d be com­ing too.*

The Indirect Approach

  1. Obtain kit­ten.
  2. Raise kit­ten in­to cat.
  3. Provide food, toys, vet­eri­nary as­sis­tance, at­ten­tion, love.
  4. Wait un­til cat dies.
  5. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.

Corollary: Let her make the first move. Implode.*

The Athletic Approach

  1. Kill cat with golf club.
  2. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.
  4. Gut cat.
  5. Take catgut and make ten­nis rack­et.
  6. Remove head of cat.
  7. Use as ten­nis ball.

Corollary: (flex­ing) Have you seen the weight­room? Nevermind, I’ll find it.*

The Gourmet Approach

  1. Purchase healthy pure­bred Persian.
  2. Smother with 10M (mo­lar) Trichloromethane (chlo­ro­form).
  3. Boil 10 gal­lons wa­ter.
  4. Boil Persian in wa­ter for 8 hours.
  5. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.
  7. Have skin made in­to ta­ble runner/​trivet.
  8. Boil cat in­to stew with lentils and long-grain rice.
  9. Serve with but­ter-glazed sweet­rolls on ta­ble trimmed with cat skin.

An op­tion­al New Year’s Day meal. Cat is the new pork.

Corollary: You are my sun, moon, and stars. You are my breath, sight, and life. Each taste, each touch, is noth­ing com­pared to the gift that is you. I would glad­ly sac­ri­fice my goals, as­pi­ra­tions and soul just to get in­to your pants… shit!*

The Humane Approach

  1. Find fer­al cat with fe­line HIV or fe­line leukemia.
  2. Have cat put down.
  3. Send cat to taxi­der­mist.
  4. Taxidermist will make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  5. Peel.

Corollary: Set promis­cu­ous girl up with horny friend. She’ll get stuffed.*

The Anarchist Approach

  1. Bury cat up to neck in back­yard.
  2. Fire up rid­ing lawn­mow­er.
  3. Mow back­yard.
  4. Get post­hole dig­ger.
  5. Remove cat.
  6. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  7. Gut cat.
  8. Fill cav­i­ty with black pow­der.
  9. Light cat’s tail.
  10. Throw at near­est gov­ern­men­tal build­ing.

Corollary: Club her on the head and drag her by her hair in­to your apartment/​cave.*

*does not work well.

11 thoughts on “6 Ways to Skin a Cat

  1. I would like you to try any of this shit on my cats you sick F**K sticks I do not see how or why peo­ple like you think how you do I bet you would kick a pup­py to death al­so well if any­thing like any of the crap I just read was to hap­pen to you DAMM ha ha ha ha it would serve you right. Now is that the an­swer you want­ed to hear or thanks for the in­fo ei­ther way its sad.

  2. Thank you for pro­vid­ing such a step by step in­struc­tion­al on deal­ing with cats. I am cur­rent­ly us­ing the in­di­rect ap­proach with a twist of lime in my drink. By plac­ing cat food dish­es out­side, I am hope­ful to at­tract enough cats to try the ath­let­ic ap­proach and at the same time, im­prove my swing!

  3. Personally I like the an­ar­chist approach…minus the last step. Because I don’t want to get caught

  4. Thank you so much for this rous­ing­ly so­phis­ti­cat­ed satire. I al­so thank Kevin Cain’s pre­sent­ed
    coun­ter-satire as ev­i­dence that not every­one on the in­ter­net has enough in­tel­li­gence to
    tell the dif­fer­ence be­tween a so­phis­ti­cat­ed ruse and an in­struc­tion­al tu­to­ri­al. And if you think that
    Mr. Cain is a tru­ly in­tel­li­gent man, I heav­i­ly sug­gest you look in­to the de­f­i­n­i­tion of satire to dis­cov­er
    what an ab­solute ge­nius he is for his well cam­ou­flaged coun­ter-satire. So well cam­ou­flaged that
    one might think him to be an ab­solute id­iot oth­er­wise.

  5. you peo­ple are fuck­ing sick and your moth­ers and fa­thers should be fucked in the head with some­thing re­al­ly big and they are aw­ful ug­ly smelly dis­gust­ing peo­ple that could cre­ate some­thing like you! All I know is that your time will come and I can’t wait till it does be­cause that’s all you de­serve you crea­tures that hide in hu­man skin

  6. For every­one one rag­ing here about hows sick this is, Why in the world were you look­ing up “how to skin a cat” in the first place?? What did you ex­pect? Skin a cat with­out ac­tu­al­ly killing it? That’s called flay­ing my friend, and trust me, the cat would prefer death over that.

  7. A girl I know said there is on­ly one easy to skin a cat. So I won­dered if this were true. Very per­ti­nent­ly I find there are at least six meth­ods. Now I have skinned this cat al­ready or it skinned me to be ex­act. All I had to do was put out some kit­ty food and whistle. I am keep­ing the pussy alive for now. You know, it purrs.

  8. Sick that Siri poped up this web­site when all I want­ed to know was the hy­po­thet­i­cal mean­ing of how to skin a cat

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