6 Ways to Skin a Cat

The Direct Approach

  1. Kill Cat.
  2. Make incision from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.

Corollary: That shirt looks very becoming on you, and if I were on you I’d be coming too.*

The Indirect Approach

  1. Obtain kitten.
  2. Raise kitten into cat.
  3. Provide food, toys, veterinary assistance, attention, love.
  4. Wait until cat dies.
  5. Make incision from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.

Corollary: Let her make the first move. Implode.*

The Athletic Approach

  1. Kill cat with golf club.
  2. Make incision from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.
  4. Gut cat.
  5. Take catgut and make tennis racket.
  6. Remove head of cat.
  7. Use as tennis ball.

Corollary: (flexing) Have you seen the weightroom? Nevermind, I’ll find it.*

The Gourmet Approach

  1. Purchase healthy purebred Persian.
  2. Smother with 10M (molar) Trichloromethane (chloroform).
  3. Boil 10 gallons water.
  4. Boil Persian in water for 8 hours.
  5. Make incision from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.
  7. Have skin made into table runner/trivet.
  8. Boil cat into stew with lentils and long-grain rice.
  9. Serve with butter-glazed sweetrolls on table trimmed with cat skin.

An optional New Year’s Day meal. Cat is the new pork.

Corollary: You are my sun, moon, and stars. You are my breath, sight, and life. Each taste, each touch, is nothing compared to the gift that is you. I would gladly sacrifice my goals, aspirations and soul just to get into your pants… shit!*

The Humane Approach

  1. Find feral cat with feline HIV or feline leukemia.
  2. Have cat put down.
  3. Send cat to taxidermist.
  4. Taxidermist will make incision from throat to rump.
  5. Peel.

Corollary: Set promiscuous girl up with horny friend. She’ll get stuffed.*

The Anarchist Approach

  1. Bury cat up to neck in backyard.
  2. Fire up riding lawnmower.
  3. Mow backyard.
  4. Get posthole digger.
  5. Remove cat.
  6. Make incision from throat to rump.
  7. Gut cat.
  8. Fill cavity with black powder.
  9. Light cat’s tail.
  10. Throw at nearest governmental building.

Corollary: Club her on the head and drag her by her hair into your apartment/cave.*

*does not work well.

Comments and conversations on this post

  1. I would like you to try any of this shit on my cats you sick F**K sticks I do not see how or why people like you think how you do I bet you would kick a puppy to death also well if anything like any of the crap I just read was to happen to you DAMM ha ha ha ha it would serve you right. Now is that the answer you wanted to hear or thanks for the info either way its sad.

  2. Thank you for providing such a step by step instructional on dealing with cats. I am currently using the indirect approach with a twist of lime in my drink. By placing cat food dishes outside, I am hopeful to attract enough cats to try the athletic approach and at the same time, improve my swing!

  3. Personally I like the anarchist approach…minus the last step. Because I don’t want to get caught

  4. Cats, cats, cats, cats, DEATH, death death. YUM!

  5. How to kick a puppy to death is already available at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioqCLnLKtiE
    Maybe you should post “how to fist a Kevin Cain to death” except that it sounds like someone is already doing that. What a whiner!

  6. Thank you so much for this rousingly sophisticated satire. I also thank Kevin Cain’s presented
    counter-satire as evidence that not everyone on the internet has enough intelligence to
    tell the difference between a sophisticated ruse and an instructional tutorial. And if you think that
    Mr. Cain is a truly intelligent man, I heavily suggest you look into the definition of satire to discover
    what an absolute genius he is for his well camouflaged counter-satire. So well camouflaged that
    one might think him to be an absolute idiot otherwise.

  7. you people are fucking sick and your mothers and fathers should be fucked in the head with something really big and they are awful ugly smelly disgusting people that could create something like you! All I know is that your time will come and I can’t wait till it does because that’s all you deserve you creatures that hide in human skin

  8. For everyone one raging here about hows sick this is, Why in the world were you looking up “how to skin a cat” in the first place?? What did you expect? Skin a cat without actually killing it? That’s called flaying my friend, and trust me, the cat would prefer death over that.

  9. A girl I know said there is only one easy to skin a cat. So I wondered if this were true. Very pertinently I find there are at least six methods. Now I have skinned this cat already or it skinned me to be exact. All I had to do was put out some kitty food and whistle. I am keeping the pussy alive for now. You know, it purrs.

  10. Wtf?

  11. Sick that Siri poped up this website when all I wanted to know was the hypothetical meaning of how to skin a cat