3 teeth

Yessiree, you heard it here first. I truly am teething. Or, perhaps, toothing, to be more precise. A [singular] wisdom tooth has deemed its time ripe to emerge from the evolutionary boondocks that forms the backplates of the mandible. My wisdom tooth, instead of being a mere nuisance, and a reason for people to look like jaundiced chipmunks upon removal, serves a purpose.

I’m pretty sure that sentence has way too many clauses.

I am missing three teeth. One wisdom tooth [lower left], one permanent premolar [lower right], and the baby version of aforementioned permanent premolar. The AWOL wisdom tooth is cool, it means when they are finally yanked, only the upper ones will come out, and the likelihood of dry sockets decreases logarithmically.

I used to have the lower right premolar [the baby version] but when I got braces a few years ago, it needed to come out. The reason it had never fallen out was because I had no permanent tooth underneath to replace it.

Getting that baby tooth removed wasn’t peaches and cream, or even oranges and cream, or even sour cream. It was just bad. I’ve got damn strong teeth, no cavities, no fillings, no problems apart from being a few teeth shy of a rational amount. This baby tooth did not want to go; it was huge, secure in its gripping power on my gums, and not about to take any sass from a dentist.

The roots were so intent on being immovable they were as close to being barbed as they could get. The nerve was surrounded in a perfectly executed four pronged pincer.

So the dentist cut it down the middle with a saw and yanked out each half.

When I got my braces on, they put a bunch of torque on my lonseome molar, to bring it up next to the bicuspid, to fill in the gap left by the premolar, so my wisdom tooth would also move forward, emerge and take the place of my last molar.

Too many clauses again.

Thus, what I once thought of as an evolutionary throwback to our more robust skeletal structures, and more herbivorous or frugivorous eating behaviors, actually serves a purpose for this gracile Homo sapiens sapiens[me].

I’m going to suck on some ice now.