Captain Spacepants

Thursday, 29 January 2004

Today’s is­sue of Organic Mechanic mag­a­zine fea­tures a rare in­ter­view with one of the most fas­ci­nat­ing and con­tro­ver­sial fig­ures in the ear­ly twen­ty-first cen­tu­ry. A mas­ter of faux pas, feng shui, and the fox trot; the de­fend­er of all things taste­less: Captain Spacepants.

OM: Captain Spacepants, I must say that it is an hon­or to have the chance to sit down and talk about the nit­ty-grit­ty with a su­per­hero of your stature. You are the biggest name Organic Mechanic has ever in­ter­viewed.

CS: Well, ah, I am equal­ly hon­ored to speak with such a fair and bal­anced pub­li­ca­tion as OM. It isn’t of­ten that I have the chance to sit down and re­al­ly talk about what pro­pels me, what with all of the du­ties that my su­per­hero­ism must ful­fill.

OM: That hap­pens to be one thing our read­ers are quite cu­ri­ous about. Exactly what kind of su­per­hero are you?

CS: I’ve al­ways seen my­self as a nor­mal per­son like every­one else. ‘Superhero’ is such a loaded term any­more… What I try to do in my work is make the world more tol­er­ant of those it con­sid­ers ‘in bad taste.’ That in­cludes any­one from your great-aunt Martha and those huge framed glass­es she wears, a thir­ty-sev­en year old gay man in Britain named Dennis who wears spats but no shoes and pret­ty much any­thing that Michael Jackson or Britney Spears have ever done.

OM: Some of your de­trac­tors point out that your views are rather ex­trem­ist and that some of the things you de­fend un­der­mine the style and moral fab­ric of our na­tion. For ex­am­ple, you were re­cent­ly crit­i­cized for your un­abashed procla­ma­tion that The Chronicles of Riddick marks a new artis­tic par­a­digm for the film in­dus­try and a new high for ca­reer of Vin Diesel [an­oth­er one of your fa­vorites]. In fact, the Committee On Moral Taste has gone so far to threat­en your life on oc­ca­sion for ‘crimes against progress.’

CS: My de­trac­tors, as you call them, and in par­tic­u­lar the Committee on Moral Taste, are in fact, my arch-neme­ses. I am quite aware that the so-called crime that I am ac­cused of has been put forth by the ne­far­i­ous Proctor Pentapus and his defama­tion cam­paign against me is be­ing fund­ed by the two most pow­er­ful mem­bers of the CMT, Starbucks and The Church of Martha Stewart and Her Latter Day Cranks. I al­so have sneak­ing sus­pi­cions that Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil are plan­ning an of­fen­sive as well. 

But, to an­swer your ques­tion, I am not re­spon­si­ble for the degra­da­tion of moral progress in the world. Far from it, the dy­nam­ic style sen­si­bil­i­ty I try to fos­ter and pro­mote keeps fresh ideas con­stant­ly at the fore­front of the pub­lic con­scious­ness. The CMT’s idea of ‘moral progress’ is re­al­ly about re­gres­sion to 1950’s val­ues, fol­lowed by the cre­ative stag­na­tion of the mind. All this is part of their plot for world dom­i­na­tion. I must ad­mit, how­ev­er, that I might have been mis­guid­ed about Mr. Diesel, some­times taste­less things can be­come as wild­ly un­pre­dictable as J. Lo’s love life. The CMT will take even the slight­est ap­pear­ance of weak­ness and turn it in­to a weapon of mass de­struc­tion.

OM: Don’t you find it hard to suc­ceed at this mis­sion when your com­port­ment, de­meanor and dress are so enig­mat­ic — a cross be­tween her­maph­ro­dit­ic and an­drog­y­nous? I mean, you have a ra­dioac­tive green mo­hawk, a sil­ver half-cape, an un­tanned yak-hair sports bra and your trade­mark ‘spacepants’ — a ti­ta­ni­um chasti­ty belt/​codpiece with a strate­gi­cal­ly placed blink­ing red light.

CS: I guess I’ve al­ways been about shat­ter­ing gen­der barriers…and the bounds of good taste. But as long as I am able to en­sure that there is a place in the world for things deemed taste­less, I feel that I am suc­ceed­ing.

You don’t like my blink­ing red light?

OM: No, it is com­plete­ly fine. Thank you for giv­ing some of your pre­cious time for us to learn more about you Captain Spacepants.

CS: You are most wel­come. And re­mem­ber kids, drugs are for dopes.

The ideas ex­pressed in this in­ter­view do not nec­es­sar­i­ly co­in­cide with any­thing at all. The in­ter­view­er would like to thank Lauren Spisak for her hard work ar­rang­ing a meet­ing with Captain Spacepants. Without her gen­er­ous con­tri­bu­tions and sar­casm, this would not have been pos­si­ble.

lais­sez les bon temps rouler

Wednesday, 28 January 2004


I just got back from a sweet night of the blues featuring Robert Lockwood Junior. Lockwood is allegedly the only person to have actually learned guitar from the king of delta blues, Robert Johnson. The blues ensemble that played with him was quite good, but it was obvious their style of blues wasn't the same as Lockwood's. They had a Memphis blues vibe, more...cosmopolitan than raw. Lockwood definitely proved that less is more. It almost seemed like the guitar was playing itself. If he learned from Robert Johnson, I can understand how people thought Johnson had made a deal with the devil to gain his skill. Unearthly. He made it hurt and feel good to hurt. The whole band got me into their sets, I was 'yeah'ing and 'whoo'ing as the spirit prompted me.

At the end the alto saxophonist came over and chatted with us, then Lockwood himself came over. I got to shake his hand and tell him how wonderful the performance was and asked him about his life. He said, 'I never looked up to nobody,' then paused and continued, 'but I never looked down on nobody either.'

That is a damn good way to live.

J Dreams

The night be­fore last was near­ly sleep­less for me. Typically I have al­most com­plete con­trol over what I dream about, even un­to night­mares. Yet Monday night, I had quite un­com­fort­able dreams, and I am not cer­tain why they were so un­com­fort­able. Every dream I had, and when ever and where ever it took place, my best friend friend from high school and the first per­son I ever fell for, J, ap­peared. She wasn’t as I re­mem­ber her from HS, she was 4 years old­er, pret­ti­er and even more quixot­ic. Like some sort of ar­che­typ­al fig­ure. The dreams were all stan­dard fair, noth­ing tawdry, but in­vari­ably J would turn up, act in a com­plete­ly nor­mal way, and freak me out every time. I would al­ways wake my­self up im­me­di­ate­ly af­ter she asked a per­fect­ly in­nocu­ous ques­tion.

At the Fair — Have you rid­den the Ferris Wheel?
At my home — How have you been?
On the street — Do I have some­thing on the back of my coat?
etc. ad in­fini­tum

I’m not sure what this night of cracked dream­ing means. It could mean that I still have un­re­solved feel­ings to­ward J. She could be noth­ing more than the best sym­bol my mind could come up with to rep­re­sent what­ev­er it is that I am anx­ious about at this time. It could mean some­thing else en­tire­ly. I just don’t know. First I need to fig­ure out what is per­co­lat­ing in the re­cess­es of my mind. Then I’ll have a bet­ter idea I think. If you have any ques­tions or need clar­i­fi­ca­tions ask, be­cause I am sure they will help me fig­ure some of this out.

How to Make A Compilation CD

Monday, 26 January 2004

Making a Compilation CD [c-CD] is quite an affair. The process is described in detail in several places, some shallower than others.

I never make c-CDs for myself. The discs I burn that are composites of artists, aren't compilations. I just put them on a CD so I can listen to them elsewhere. A c-CD must be made for someone else, and with specific intent. That is the overriding rule. Here are some others.

a] Each song on the c-CD must have bearing on the person it is being given to. If this bearing is projected through your own doors of perception, thats just dandy.

b] Each song must have bearing on how you see yourself or want to see yourself in relation to the person the c-CD is being given to. If this person is a love interest, limit the sap songs to one or none.

c] You may not have multiple songs by the same artist, even if the artist is a member of another band.

d] You may not put a song on the c-CD that refers to the person you are giving the CD to.

e] Do not, under any circumstances, put on a song that you think is funny.

f] Do not, put on too many songs that sound the same. Variety is necessary.

g] Break these rules at your own peril.

That is what I try to go by. I might add some once I think of them.

h] Each song on the CD must relate to each other song on the CD. This relationship cannot be taken to a higher order such as, 'all the songs relate to me or the person I am giving the c-CD to.' see a] or b] above. This way, if the c-CD washes up on shore of a desert island and someone with a functioning CD player finds it on the beach, upon listening to the disc they will sense the theme of the CD, even if they are familiar with none of the songs. This is also provided that the disc itself is not too sand-etched to be read by a CD player.


Sunday, 25 January 2004

I went sled­ding to­day for the first time in sev­er­al years. We went to Edgewater and dis­cov­ered that a pletho­ra of ear­li­er to­bog­ga­neers had packed the en­tire hill­side in­to a per­fect sled­ding slope. Anne had got­ten her child­hood sled from her par­ents place and she and Liam had picked up a cheapy plas­tic one from the store. The qual­i­ty dif­fer­ence was ob­vi­ous, the old wood­en one had the foot tiller and met­al run­ners and the plas­tic one looked like some­thing you would baste an en­tire pig in. they both rocked go­ing down the slopes.

to be a brag­gart, i must say that i was the best sled­der there in re­gard to sled con­trol and dis­tance. al­though i was forced to eject sev­er­al times do to a bad vec­tor or un­ex­pect­ed tur­bu­lence, most of my mis­sions were a suc­cess. Hauling my ass up the hill af­ter­ward was te­dious though, since it was prob­a­bly around 130 yards from where i usu­al­ly end­ed up. it was a good work­out, though right now i would like to do some­thing to get me warm and thawed out. a cup of Earl Grey will have to do.


Saturday, 24 January 2004

I won some Cash for Christmas and today I received it. I got the CD- American IV: The Man Comes Around and the DVD- Johnny Cash: A Concert Behind Prison Walls. I also received a couple of stickers.


I had heard the album with Phil right when it came out and was impressed, so it was great to win it from 97x. I'm also looking forward to seeing the DVD which is a musical synopsis and tribute to Mr. Cash. My mentor at work has issued a list of demands from me, which includes a share in the Cash. She has also given me a nickname, 'Bones' incongruous though that might be. I have no idea where she came up with that. The only Bones I know goes to ND and smokes up alot. She's pretty cool though so I'll let it slide.


Thursday, 22 January 2004

I know I've had the South Park Avatar thinger on here before, but its updated and much nicer. To save your character you must do a screen capture, the site gives you instructions on how to do that. Click on the pic to go there.

This guy is from a downloadable program called Hero Machine. It basically gives you a bunch of options for making a Super Hero or Super Doofus. The weapons are pretty dumb and the color palette isn't the best but its still cool.