Today’s issue of Organic Mechanic magazine features a rare interview with one of the most fascinating and controversial figures in the early twenty-first century. A master of faux pas, feng shui, and the fox trot; the defender of all things tasteless: Captain Spacepants.
OM: Captain Spacepants, I must say that it is an honor to have the chance to sit down and talk about the nitty-gritty with a superhero of your stature. You are the biggest name Organic Mechanic has ever interviewed.
CS: Well, ah, I am equally honored to speak with such a fair and balanced publication as OM. It isn’t often that I have the chance to sit down and really talk about what propels me, what with all of the duties that my superheroism must fulfill.
OM: That happens to be one thing our readers are quite curious about. Exactly what kind of superhero are you?
CS: I’ve always seen myself as a normal person like everyone else. ‘Superhero’ is such a loaded term anymore… What I try to do in my work is make the world more tolerant of those it considers ‘in bad taste.’ That includes anyone from your great-aunt Martha and those huge framed glasses she wears, a thirty-seven year old gay man in Britain named Dennis who wears spats but no shoes and pretty much anything that Michael Jackson or Britney Spears have ever done.
OM: Some of your detractors point out that your views are rather extremist and that some of the things you defend undermine the style and moral fabric of our nation. For example, you were recently criticized for your unabashed proclamation that The Chronicles of Riddick marks a new artistic paradigm for the film industry and a new high for career of Vin Diesel [another one of your favorites]. In fact, the Committee On Moral Taste has gone so far to threaten your life on occasion for ‘crimes against progress.’
CS: My detractors, as you call them, and in particular the Committee on Moral Taste, are in fact, my arch-nemeses. I am quite aware that the so-called crime that I am accused of has been put forth by the nefarious Proctor Pentapus and his defamation campaign against me is being funded by the two most powerful members of the CMT, Starbucks and The Church of Martha Stewart and Her Latter Day Cranks. I also have sneaking suspicions that Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil are planning an offensive as well.
But, to answer your question, I am not responsible for the degradation of moral progress in the world. Far from it, the dynamic style sensibility I try to foster and promote keeps fresh ideas constantly at the forefront of the public consciousness. The CMT’s idea of ‘moral progress’ is really about regression to 1950’s values, followed by the creative stagnation of the mind. All this is part of their plot for world domination. I must admit, however, that I might have been misguided about Mr. Diesel, sometimes tasteless things can become as wildly unpredictable as J. Lo’s love life. The CMT will take even the slightest appearance of weakness and turn it into a weapon of mass destruction.
OM: Don’t you find it hard to succeed at this mission when your comportment, demeanor and dress are so enigmatic — a cross between hermaphroditic and androgynous? I mean, you have a radioactive green mohawk, a silver half-cape, an untanned yak-hair sports bra and your trademark ‘spacepants’ — a titanium chastity belt/codpiece with a strategically placed blinking red light.
CS: I guess I’ve always been about shattering gender barriers…and the bounds of good taste. But as long as I am able to ensure that there is a place in the world for things deemed tasteless, I feel that I am succeeding.
You don’t like my blinking red light?
OM: No, it is completely fine. Thank you for giving some of your precious time for us to learn more about you Captain Spacepants.
CS: You are most welcome. And remember kids, drugs are for dopes.
The ideas expressed in this interview do not necessarily coincide with anything at all. The interviewer would like to thank Lauren Spisak for her hard work arranging a meeting with Captain Spacepants. Without her generous contributions and sarcasm, this would not have been possible.