Captain Spacepants

Today’s is­sue of Organic Mechanic mag­a­zine fea­tures a rare in­ter­view with one of the most fas­ci­nat­ing and con­tro­ver­sial fig­ures in the early twenty-first cen­tury. A mas­ter of faux pas, feng shui, and the fox trot; the de­fender of all things taste­less: Captain Spacepants.

OM: Captain Spacepants, I must say that it is an honor to have the chance to sit down and talk about the nitty-gritty with a su­per­hero of your stature. You are the biggest name Organic Mechanic has ever in­ter­viewed.

CS: Well, ah, I am equally hon­ored to speak with such a fair and bal­anced pub­li­ca­tion as OM. It isn’t of­ten that I have the chance to sit down and re­ally talk about what pro­pels me, what with all of the du­ties that my su­per­hero­ism must ful­fill.

OM: That hap­pens to be one thing our read­ers are quite cu­ri­ous about. Exactly what kind of su­per­hero are you?

CS: I’ve al­ways seen my­self as a nor­mal per­son like every­one else. ‘Superhero’ is such a loaded term any­more… What I try to do in my work is make the world more tol­er­ant of those it con­sid­ers ‘in bad taste.’ That in­cludes any­one from your great-aunt Martha and those huge framed glasses she wears, a thirty-seven year old gay man in Britain named Dennis who wears spats but no shoes and pretty much any­thing that Michael Jackson or Britney Spears have ever done.

OM: Some of your de­trac­tors point out that your views are rather ex­trem­ist and that some of the things you de­fend un­der­mine the style and moral fab­ric of our na­tion. For ex­am­ple, you were re­cently crit­i­cized for your un­abashed procla­ma­tion that The Chronicles of Riddick marks a new artis­tic par­a­digm for the film in­dus­try and a new high for ca­reer of Vin Diesel [an­other one of your fa­vorites]. In fact, the Committee On Moral Taste has gone so far to threaten your life on oc­ca­sion for ‘crimes against pro­gress.’

CS: My de­trac­tors, as you call them, and in par­tic­u­lar the Committee on Moral Taste, are in fact, my arch-neme­ses. I am quite aware that the so-called crime that I am ac­cused of has been put forth by the ne­far­i­ous Proctor Pentapus and his defama­tion cam­paign against me is be­ing funded by the two most pow­er­ful mem­bers of the CMT, Starbucks and The Church of Martha Stewart and Her Latter Day Cranks. I also have sneak­ing sus­pi­cions that Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil are plan­ning an of­fen­sive as well. 

But, to an­swer your ques­tion, I am not re­spon­si­ble for the degra­da­tion of moral pro­gress in the world. Far from it, the dy­namic style sen­si­bil­ity I try to fos­ter and pro­mote keeps fresh ideas con­stantly at the fore­front of the pub­lic con­scious­ness. The CMT’s idea of ‘moral pro­gress’ is re­ally about re­gres­sion to 1950’s val­ues, fol­lowed by the cre­ative stag­na­tion of the mind. All this is part of their plot for world dom­i­na­tion. I must ad­mit, how­ever, that I might have been mis­guided about Mr. Diesel, some­times taste­less things can be­come as wildly un­pre­dictable as J. Lo’s love life. The CMT will take even the slight­est ap­pear­ance of weak­ness and turn it into a weapon of mass de­struc­tion.

OM: Don’t you find it hard to suc­ceed at this mis­sion when your com­port­ment, de­meanor and dress are so enig­matic — a cross be­tween her­maph­ro­ditic and an­drog­y­nous? I mean, you have a ra­dioac­tive green mo­hawk, a sil­ver half-cape, an un­tanned yak-hair sports bra and your trade­mark ‘spacepants’ — a ti­ta­nium chastity belt/​codpiece with a strate­gi­cally placed blink­ing red light.

CS: I guess I’ve al­ways been about shat­ter­ing gen­der barriers…and the bounds of good taste. But as long as I am able to en­sure that there is a place in the world for things deemed taste­less, I feel that I am suc­ceed­ing.

You don’t like my blink­ing red light?

OM: No, it is com­pletely fine. Thank you for giv­ing some of your pre­cious time for us to learn more about you Captain Spacepants.

CS: You are most wel­come. And re­mem­ber kids, drugs are for dopes.

The ideas ex­pressed in this in­ter­view do not nec­es­sar­ily co­in­cide with any­thing at all. The in­ter­viewer would like to thank Lauren Spisak for her hard work ar­rang­ing a meet­ing with Captain Spacepants. Without her gen­er­ous con­tri­bu­tions and sar­casm, this would not have been pos­si­ble.

3 thoughts on “Captain Spacepants

  1. i bet that sports bra and cape combo is quite stun­ning. any­one who can pull that off along with the green hair kicks mega ass

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