I think that I am a relatively disciplined and responsible person, but doesn’t that sound lame? I go to bed at 11:30 at night and wake up at 6:45 in the morning. The seven hours and fifteen minutes I give to sleep are necessary for me. I do not like the way I feel when I have not had enough sleep and when I am groggy I am unable to perform to the best of my ability. Last night I was asked if I ever stay up late when I have to work the next day and whether I do this because I care so much about my job. The answer is no, I never stay up later than around eight hours before I need to functional and alert the next day. I don’t do this because I care about my job, I do this because I take pride in doing good work. I have tried to stay true to the idea that if I am unable to do something to the best of my ability then I should not be doing it.

This, I think, is the foundation of my efforts at organization and discipline. The more I control the minutiae of my life, the more fulfilled I feel. I am by no means obsessive-​compulsive, I make plenty of messes, I just hate looking at them. I am always fighting procrastination. If I leave dishes in the sink for over an hour after I done eating, I start worrying about it. I don’t like leaving things unfinished. If every job is completed, or at least organized, I feel quite satisfied in leaving it behind and directing my full attention to the next thing that confronts me.

I also worry that without strong discipline, I could lose all control. When I like something I don’t like half measures, I get involved in it. I haven’t and probably won’t ever use drugs and I don’t drink very often because I am afraid of what might happen if I release my discipline. When I seem quite detached with a new person, activity, or whatever, it is because I am judging whether or not this new thing is something that is worth investing some part of my soul in. This method might be a bit strange, but it protects me from myself and from the possible hurt that a hasty decision might result in. A bit selfish I suppose.

As strange as this sounds, my discipline allows me greater freedom, I can now do things spontaneously. If a friend calls, I can typically take off and hang out. Unfortunately, most of my friends around here don’t have jobs and are night owls. I haven’t hung out with them since my new job has started because they aren’t ready to hang out until I am heading to bed. And when I leave someone’s house because I have to go home and get some sleep, I always feel like a loser. Maybe I care too much about coming home to an apartment where everything is pretty much in place, maybe I care too much about making sure I can pay off my debts as quickly as possible, maybe I care too much about doing excellent work, maybe I should relax and not worry so much about responsibility.

I just find it hard to be enthusiastic about what is in front of me if I have other things to do.