With­in the last week I have been in con­ver­sa­tion with three dif­fer­ent peo­ple, at dif­fer­ent times, on the same top­ic. I say things that hurt the feel­ings of my friends and fam­i­ly and, appar­ent­ly, I do it pret­ty often. There was no hes­i­ta­tion on the part of two of these peo­ple in say­ing so, once I brought it up. I have known that I put my foot in my mouth and say the wrong thing on a reg­u­lar basis for years, but I didn’t real­ize I hurt so many peo­ple that I care about. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feel­ings, so I don’t know why I get so mouthy. Maybe I do want to hurt peo­ple and just hide it from myself. It seems like I come at life from a neg­a­tive point of view, always dis­sat­is­fied. I need to under­stand why I am like this. Does my dis­sat­is­fac­tion arise as the result of being taught to accept only the high­est qual­i­ty of work and behav­ior from myself? Did I pick up my ease at ver­bal abuse from being yelled at by my father? How can I exist in both of these par­a­digms simul­ta­ne­ous­ly and with­out appar­ent com­pli­ca­tion? More impor­tant­ly, how is it that I have friends who put up with my shit? They are some damn good peo­ple. I was look­ing through my first posts from two years ago and it doesn’t look like I have changed very much. I thought I had gone through some per­son­al growth, but fun­da­men­tal­ly I remain a grouchy, hurt­ful per­son. Even this post is indica­tive of my prob­lem. I need to fig­ure out how to change, how to make my hap­py, gen­tle and easy­go­ing side my basis instead of what I strug­gle for. First off I am going to have to stop teas­ing peo­ple and only be frank when peo­ple ask me my opin­ion. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I’ll add that to my list of things to work on.

14 Replies

  • It is real­ly hard to make the sort of change which you describe. There are somet­ings that we just are and can­nont change in any major way. Now if it is nature vs nuture on this one, I can’t tell. I think being aware of a prob­lem is a major step in less­en­ing the sever­i­ty of the results. As a friend, I can say that I have nev­er been both­ered by this sort of behav­ior, but as your friend, I will do what I can to help you work on this, if you ask it.

  • So, hijack­ing this thread..
    Was I the only one to think that Oscar the Grouch was the neighborhood’s home­less per­son? I mean, the guy lives in a trash can, talks to a worm and gen­er­al­ly seemed pissed off at life. And Seasame Street was in NYC after all. I think it’s to get kids used to the idea of home­less peo­ple. He says, tounge firm­ly in cheek.

  • I don’t think you’re a grouch nor bit­ter. How­ev­er, I haven’t had the priv­iledge to know you for very long. Some­time you do say things that are rather harsh but only to the per­son you said it to. For exam­ple, you once said some­thing to me and it hurt. You apol­o­gized, I got over it, and I for­gave you. If peo­ple don’t fogive you when you say “oh sor­ry i didn’t real­ize that would hurt you” thats their prob­lem not yours. I enjoy your sar­cas­tic per­son­al­i­ty, its what makes you. And you are very fun­ny.

  • thanks kara. i know not every­one is going to like me. i can han­dle that. i just don’t like it that i hurt the peo­ple that care about me.

    i’m also not quite as depressed as i sound.

  • Ah, but I am bit­ter more than I should be as well. I think that is why we are friends, because we can share in our bit­ter­ness.

  • I agree. And because he was a “grouch” Sesame Street is clear­ly show­ing chil­dren that the home­less are there due to their own poor atti­tudes and that if they real­ly tried to have a more pos­si­tive out­look they could find jobs and homes. Don’t feel sor­ry for Oscar kids… he LIKES liv­ing in filth. See? The only poor we should feel sym­pa­thy for are the his­pan­ics (His… Pan­ics… His.. Pan­ics… His­pan­ics!) because they are in fact our “ami­gos.” Adios!

  • You’re a very guard­ed per­son Adam. You don’t speak to oth­ers of your per­son­al life, for one rea­son or anoth­er. When some­one does (like a close friend or fam­i­ly member)ask about per­son­al issues, you respond in a man­ner to pro­tect your inner sanc­tum. Thus, you come off angry and bit­ter. Are you real­ly angry and bit­ter? Hell if I know, nor does any­one know.

  • How do I put up with you? Inter­est­ing ques­tion. I just try to under­stand where you’re com­ing from, and I don’t take stuff per­son­al­ly. Although it can be hard to see where your ideas came from. Think­ing back over the years, you’ve always at least appeared to have a “if you ask I won’t tell” pol­i­cy con­cern­ing your more per­son­al thoughts. You’re not one to share. I’m accus­tomed to not know­ing what moti­vates you/your atti­tude, so I don’t ask. Per­haps oth­ers do ask because they aren’t used to your style. There­fore, they unnerve you, and you per­haps stick your foot in your mouth, as you say. Just my two cents though, based on my expe­ri­ences.

  • Geez — you made me cry and I don’t even know you. I learned in life no mat­ter what you do, not every­one is going to like you.
    BTW — you left a very nice post at my site — you weren’t nasty at all.
    : )

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