If I could have a harem, these are the famous peo­ple that it would con­tain. Non-famous peo­ple have been omit­ted to pro­tect my inno­cence.

  • Judy Greer- She has played most­ly small but impor­tant roles so far in What Women Want, Adap­ta­tion [briefly top­less!], and The Wed­ding Plan­ner. I love me a hot red­head.
  • Winona Ryder- I don’t real­ly know what all the big fuss was about when she shoplift­ed a few years ago. She had stolen my heart long before.
  • Fiona Apple- She is some kind of sul­try for­bid­den fruit. I think prob­a­bly an apple.
  • Laeti­tia Cas­ta- Real Women Have Curves.
  • Jen­nifer Gar­ner- I’d like to engage in some covert oper­a­tions with this red­head.
  • Vic­to­ria Beck­ham- Sure she is mar­ried to a soc­cer-god. She also hasn’t met me.
  • Elsa Ben­itez- I find it dif­fi­cult to write any­thing about her because of all the drool that gets on the key­board.
  • Pen?lope Cruz- Tom Cruise needs to find a less attrac­tive beard and free the love­ly Pen?lope up for all us wolf-whistlers.
  • Scar­lett Johans­son- In The Man Who Wasn’t There she looks so good it hurts.
  • Anna Paquin- Just as hot as Ms. Johans­son.
  • Ir?ne Jacob- If you haven’t seen Trois couleurs: Rouge, do it tonight.
  • Hei­di Gluck and Fre­da Love- 2/3 of Some Girls, Phil gets Juliana Hat­field, but she doesn’t do it for me any­way.
  • Sarah McLach­lan- If you have seen the Adia video and the album art for her newest release, I need no jus­ti­fi­ca­tion.
  • Ash­ley Judd- argh­largh­largh­largh­larghl.

    The eunuch in charge of these girls would be Dwayne Dou­glas John­son [He is gonna end up fat and hair­less any­way]. Thank you for your waste of time.