Today Organic Mechanic magazine brings you the first installment of the villainous side of our Heroes and Villains of the New Millennium Series. Previous interviews with Captain Spacepants and Sidekick Suck have now been linked to.
Organic Mechanic: Dastardly Dan, that is an interesting name. How did you come up with Dastardly Dan?
Dastardly Dan: Well, I was born Richard Klipslophski…er, well, the cat’s out of the bag now isn’t it? See? That is why I never do these interviews. I just end up saying things I shouldn’t, like my legal name. Now what? Great. So, anyways, yeah, now that the cat’s outta the bag, I was born Richard Klip– Wait. Can you? Will you edit this part out for me? Not put it in the interview? I mean seriously. The last thing I need is someone knowing my formal name. You know, I may be a criminal mastermind, but I, too, am fearful of identity theft. Plus, on top of that, I am still wanted for some petty theft I committed when I was 18. So, could you edit…
OM: We could.
DD: But will you?
OM: I’ll check with my editor.
DD: Ok, thanks. I’d appreciate that. And you don’t know how much I would appreciate that. It’d be a big help to me, really. I just don’t want my name out there, you know. Once it’s out it’s like a whole big thing I don’t wanna have to deal with, really. Everyone will swarm on my family, and mom and pop don’t really need that. It’s best that I just go by my new name Dastardly Dan. So. Can we start this interview again?
DD: Ok. And, thanks again. I really appreciate it.
OM: So, Dastardly Dan. That is an interesting name. Where’d you get it?
DD: Well, I was born Richard– Dammit. DAMMIT. See. Now I did it again. This isn’t… Ok, can we pick up from here? You’ll edit this out right?
DD: Ok. Well, I have gone by other names. In my youth I was Pete the Wicked, but that sounded too pirate-like. Then I changed my name to Salvadore the Slippery-One, but the guys at the Villian Local 134 gave me hell about that one. When I started stealing nuclear waste from powerplants in Supertropolis, I went my the name “Green Meanie,” but that didn’t catch on and I was lampooned in the papers all the time. Then, going through a family scrapbook, I found that my great uncle was a cattle rustler during the McKinley administration, and he went by the name Dastardly Dan. I figured I’d adopt it and bring the tradition back.
OM: But you don’t steal cattle.
DD: No. My plot is to take over the world, having all of its inhabitants turned to slaves, mining for saltpeter in an effort to build a gun powerful enough to shoot a rocket-sized bullet at the moon, causing the said satellite to explode, sending millions of fragments of the once heavenly body into orbit around the earth, making the night sky on this planet the darkest it has even been, and then ruling the world with pure evil.
OM: Sounds like quite a plan.
DD: It is.
OM: And how do you finance all of this.
DD: I have a Mastercard.
OM: A Mastercard?
DD: Yes, see, it’s right here (Takes out card. It’s account number is 3445–4500-0000–6666.)
OM: I see.
DD: Yes. It’ help– Wait. You didn’t write down the account number did you?
OM: The account number?
DD: For the Mastercard?
DD: Ok. Well, you’d need the expiration date, too, 9/08. Wait, I shouldn’t have said that. Can you…?
OM: Edit? I’ll check with the editor.
DD: And you DIDN’T write down the account number, right? I thought I saw you writing something…
OM: Just what you say, really. Some notes.
OM: So you are well known for your evil laugh. Can we hear it?
DD: Oh, come on, I’m embarrassed?
OM: Just once?
DD: Ok. Ok. (bashfully) Mwahahahahahahahaha! (echoes)
OM: That is some evil laugh. Chilling, really.
DD: Thank you.
OM: Something bothering you?
DD: Yeah. Are you sure you’ll edit out the part with my formal name?
DD: And you didn’t take my credit card number, right?
OM: Just some notes.
DD: Ok. I just worry. I have a reputation you know, for evil. It’ll be hard to focus on my evil exploits when I am worrying about identity theft and things like that.
DD: I have an appointment to keep. How long will this interview last?
OM: As long as you want it to.
DD: Ok, one more question.
OM: Ok. Given the current socio-political climate in the United States, and given the fact that a scant 35% of all registered voters actually regularly take part in the election process, to what do you account the fact that the nation, which statistically is so politically divided, is actually represented in the media as a left-leaning, liberal society, most likely to accept things like gay marriage, gun control, and abortion rights?
DD: (blank stare)
OM: Thank you for your time Dastardly Dan.
DD: You are SURE you will edit this?
OM: Thank you, Dastardly Dan.
DD: Ok. Yes. You are welcome. God, I hope you edit this.
This interview was conducted by one Eric M., a man in all ways juicier than your average avocado. The views expressed in this article are not necessarily the views held by anyone anywhere at any time. This interview is under his copyright. It just appears here. Yea verily, all your base are belong to us.