Living in the Moment

It is im­per­a­tive that I keep my­self busy. Excessive down­time tends to make me surly be­cause I think about my­self too much. I get lone­some and with­drawn, I feel cut off from so­ci­ety. When I’m out and about do­ing crazi­ness, when I’m hang­ing with my friends, when I’m not stuck in my apart­ment, none of this mat­ters be­cause I live in the mo­ment.

This kin­da thing ex­plains alot about me. Living in the mo­ment. It ex­plains why I’m not al­ways the best about keep­ing in con­tact with my friends. It ex­plains why I some­times just up and leave wher­ev­er I am for no ap­par­ent rea­son. It ex­plains why I can fo­cus on some­thing that grabs my at­ten­tion to the ex­clu­sion of all else. It ex­plains my en­thu­si­asm and my child­ish­ness.

I guess I’m this way be­cause I am au­tonomous and there­fore re­spon­si­ble for keep­ing my­self oc­cu­pied and keep­ing my­self en­gaged. This de­scrip­tion sounds a bit odd be­cause speak­ing in this way sep­a­rates me from me. There needs to be a way to re­fer to one­self with­out be­ing both sub­ject and ob­ject. The times when I get down on my­self and the times where I am not suf­fi­cient­ly oc­cu­pied are al­so the times I think I might not be up to the re­spon­si­bil­i­ty of be­ing an au­tonomous en­ti­ty.

Several peo­ple have men­tioned to me that I ap­pear to dis­so­ci­ate be­tween my mind and my body. I have giv­en this quite a bit of thought but haven’t re­al­ized any­thing de­fin­i­tive about it. I can see what they mean how­ev­er. I don’t talk very much about any­thing bod­i­ly be it sex, poop­ing or al­most any­thing else. The two things I tend to nat­ter on about are my im­mi­nent bald­ness and my cranky knee. I spend much more time talk­ing about things that are mind­ful. Do I have a re­la­tion­ship with my body? I think that I do. I try to take care of it, eat right, ex­er­cise, get enough sleep. I have abun­dant en­er­gy.

But they might be right, be­cause my re­la­tion­ship with my body isn’t quite bod­i­ly. I give it what it needs and in turn it be­haves it­self, doesn’t get sick and keeps my mind rel­a­tive­ly un­blunt­ed. So my mind ap­pears to be sep­a­rate from my body be­cause we have a con­tract more than we are uni­fied.

What does this have to do with liv­ing in the mo­ment? Well for me, not hav­ing to think about my body al­lows my body to do its own thing and my mind to do its own as well. So I do bet­ter at sports when I let my body act in­de­pen­dent­ly of my mind and I con­cen­trate bet­ter when I am not aware of be­ing bod­i­ly. Whichever type of ac­tiv­i­ty I am in­volved in, men­tal or phys­i­cal, I am on­ly re­al­ly present phys­i­cal­ly or men­tal­ly. Rarely, if ever, both. Perhaps this is why my re­la­tions with peo­ple in gen­er­al feel so strained. It is quite per­plex­ing.

2 thoughts on “Living in the Moment

  1. speak­ing of sports do you want to take fri­day off and come to boston for ncaa’s with us? we’ll drop you off ear­ly mon­day morn­ing on the way back. you knowyou wan­na go.

  2. dude, i COMPLETELY and UTTERLY want to go. how­ev­er, i can’t take fri­day or mon­day off and i’m head­ing to Indiana for my grandma’s 80th birth­day. thanks for the of­fer. i’m quite en­vi­ous. Tell every­one I wish I was there with them.

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