Mock-a-Blog: Five Dollar Beer

Since no one has asked me to guest blog for them, de­spite my own will­ing­ness to whore out my prime lo­ca­tion- URL with a view- vir­tu­al es­tate by let­ting oth­ers sul­ly its sanc­ti­ty with their in­fi­del paws; I am go­ing to mock a blog each day this week. Five Dollar Beer gets the first treat­ment.


Last night for din­ner I fi­nal­ly made a tra­di­tion­al American recipe that I have heard about but nev­er re­al­ly tried. Apparently it is a fa­vorite of many school chil­dren for their lunch. It is called, strange­ly, the ‘Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich.’ I had to make sev­er­al trips to the gro­cery be­cause even though I have ran­dom spices like grey fen­nel and weird veg­eta­bles like Quorn and Clamatos in myr­i­ad quan­ti­ties about my house, I didn’t have the nec­es­saries to fol­low the recipe. 

The first and most im­por­tant in­gre­di­ent in this sand­wich is peanut but­ter. Apparently this can be eas­i­ly pur­chased at any nor­mal gro­cery store but I de­cid­ed to try to make it my­self. I hulled a bag of peanuts left­over from a Cleveland Indians game last year and ground them in­to tiny bits. Then I stirred them in­to some melt­ed goat but­ter and put the mix­ture in­to the fridge to thick­en. Next on the list was straw­ber­ry jam or straw­ber­ry jel­ly. I tried mak­ing jam first but that didn’t work out so well. I had heard from some­one once that lit­tle straw­ber­ries get up­set when they are in a jam- so I threat­ened them. I told them I would purée them, mix them with sug­ar and boil them. I fig­ured that would be con­sid­ered a pret­ty tough jam to a straw­ber­ry. But those were mean bug­gers, they stayed just the way they were. I de­cid­ed to go the jel­ly route.

We have a big tub of pe­tro­le­um jel­ly that I am quite fond of in the bath­room. I took it out and re­al­ized that I’d al­ready used most of it. So I had to go back to the store and buy some more. The clerk looked at my kin­da fun­ny and men­tioned that this was the third tub I’d pur­chased in the last three days. I’ve re­al­ly got to cut back. Anyway, steal­ing one from my peanut but­ter recipe I mixed the straw­ber­ries in­to the pe­tro­le­um jel­ly. It didn’t look too ap­pe­tiz­ing but who am I to judge what chil­dren will eat.

The last thing was white bread with­out crust. Thankfully, I have a spe­cial friend named Whitebread. He is quite crusty un­for­tu­nate­ly. His hy­gien­ic habits mir­ror my own, that is, he has none. It was easy to get him naked but a bit hard­er to co­erce him in front of the fire hose. Once I turned it on, the crust was knocked right off of him. I apol­o­gized and lured him back in­to my place with promis­es of a peanut but­ter and jel­ly sand­wich. Apparently, he had eat­en those as a child. 

Once I had him se­cure­ly tied to the bed as usu­al I came back with the thick­ened peanut but­ter and my fresh­ly made jel­ly. I spread it on thick, us­ing a put­ty knife. Then I cut him in half di­ag­o­nal­ly [as per the recipe] and ate my sand­wich with some Tang and Cheesy Poofs. I’m go­ing to have to make PBJ more of­ten.

5 thoughts on “Mock-a-Blog: Five Dollar Beer

  1. Oooh, I’m first. I’ve nev­er been first for any­thing! I’m touched 😉

    Though I would have made the bread from scratch.
    da-doom-boom

    smar­tass!

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