Mock-​a-​Blog: Five Dollar Beer

Since no one has asked me to guest blog for them, despite my own willingness to whore out my prime location- URL with a view- virtual estate by letting others sully its sanctity with their infidel paws; I am going to mock a blog each day this week. Five Dollar Beer gets the first treatment.


Last night for dinner I finally made a traditional American recipe that I have heard about but never really tried. Apparently it is a favorite of many school children for their lunch. It is called, strangely, the ‘Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich.’ I had to make several trips to the grocery because even though I have random spices like grey fennel and weird vegetables like Quorn and Clamatos in myriad quantities about my house, I didn’t have the necessaries to follow the recipe.

The first and most important ingredient in this sandwich is peanut butter. Apparently this can be easily purchased at any normal grocery store but I decided to try to make it myself. I hulled a bag of peanuts leftover from a Cleveland Indians game last year and ground them into tiny bits. Then I stirred them into some melted goat butter and put the mixture into the fridge to thicken. Next on the list was strawberry jam or strawberry jelly. I tried making jam first but that didn’t work out so well. I had heard from someone once that little strawberries get upset when they are in a jam- so I threatened them. I told them I would purée them, mix them with sugar and boil them. I figured that would be considered a pretty tough jam to a strawberry. But those were mean buggers, they stayed just the way they were. I decided to go the jelly route.

We have a big tub of petroleum jelly that I am quite fond of in the bathroom. I took it out and realized that I’d already used most of it. So I had to go back to the store and buy some more. The clerk looked at my kinda funny and mentioned that this was the third tub I’d purchased in the last three days. I’ve really got to cut back. Anyway, stealing one from my peanut butter recipe I mixed the strawberries into the petroleum jelly. It didn’t look too appetizing but who am I to judge what children will eat.

The last thing was white bread without crust. Thankfully, I have a special friend named Whitebread. He is quite crusty unfortunately. His hygienic habits mirror my own, that is, he has none. It was easy to get him naked but a bit harder to coerce him in front of the fire hose. Once I turned it on, the crust was knocked right off of him. I apologized and lured him back into my place with promises of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Apparently, he had eaten those as a child.

Once I had him securely tied to the bed as usual I came back with the thickened peanut butter and my freshly made jelly. I spread it on thick, using a putty knife. Then I cut him in half diagonally [as per the recipe] and ate my sandwich with some Tang and Cheesy Poofs. I’m going to have to make PBJ more often.