Here are the real rules.
- Mock your opponents incessantly. Taunt them. Even if they are your 80 year old grandmother. Grunt patronizingly or bark a short laugh each time they play a card. Smirk when you trump them. Yawn disinterestedly when they return the favor.
- Talk across the table. Say things that will give your partner a hint about what you have in your hand. Say ‘PAY ATTENTION’ as you are laying a card that is your strong suit.
- After the deal, melodramatically complain about your hand. Say ‘Who dealt this mess?’ Even if YOU dealt it.
- Ask what trump is at least 5 times per hand.
- After each hand, heatedly discuss every trick with your partner. Yelling is encouraged, hitting is not. Tell them how they should have played it and determine how many more tricks you could have taken from your opponents.
- If someone asks the score tell them it is ‘about even.’
- If you reneg, complain about poor lighting or sticky cards or too many vodka tonics and try to weasel your way out of automatically losing the hand.
- Never cheat.