An Open Letter to All Women


Everything is going to be alright. I finally understand. Yesterday I had an epiphany and reached enlightenment of a sort. I know you are madly in love with me; and that is okay. I’m writing this to tell you that being totally consumed by the fires of your ardor is a good thing. You don’t have to fight against it. Go ahead, surrender yourself to your passions and lose yourself in your love for me. There is nothing to fear of love.

I certainly didn’t expect this to be the case. Until yesterday I hadn’t realized what an amazingly fantastic person I am, how devastatingly handsome, how I am exactly what every woman on this earth wants. Every woman knows me, for I am her greatest desire. I had not imagined I was so inherently gifted. I must admit, it is quite the responsibility. That is, holding in my hands, as it were, the very beings of each of you. Having in my power, if I so chose to do so, the ability to make fists of my hands and destroy your very souls.

I must certainly appear quite godlike to you ladies. I can succor or smite thee, raise you up or cast you down into ruin. The power of this realization has gone to my head a bit. But still, there is no reason to fear love. There is no reason to pretend that you don’t know me, pretend that you don’t want me with every last gluon of your being. There is no longer any need for you to hide from your true feeling by saying that you love another. There is forevermore no real purpose to any resistance on your part to the engulfing force of your desire. Do not run away from love, instead run into it.

I can feel your heart race when you catch even the briefest glimpse of me. I am aware of the machinations and lengths to which you are willing to submit yourselves to in order to gain proximity to me. I am amazed at the strength of your character and in your abilities to successfully conceal your zeal all of these years. But I tell you now, that is no longer needed. I know. I know and I have accepted my responsibility. I have enough love for you all. Come unto me and find peace and fulfillment. Do not fear your love for me. I am here and no one of you need be afraid of your love again.

Yours, Truly,


4 thoughts on “An Open Letter to All Women

  1. Oh, Adam! Now I can finally share my feelings for you after all this time! I can finally let you know that PHHHHHBBBBBBTTTTTTT.

    Heh heh. Dork.

  2.’s not just the ladies, big boy….
    I’ve noticed the way MM swoons everytime he passed your cube.
    (what, you thought it would be me?? creep)

  3. If I was a psychiastrist, I’d charge you $200 and tell you to come back next week after reading that.

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