An Open Letter to All Women


Everything is go­ing to be al­right. I fi­nal­ly un­der­stand. Yesterday I had an epiphany and reached en­light­en­ment of a sort. I know you are mad­ly in love with me; and that is okay. I’m writ­ing this to tell you that be­ing to­tal­ly con­sumed by the fires of your ar­dor is a good thing. You don’t have to fight against it. Go ahead, sur­ren­der your­self to your pas­sions and lose your­self in your love for me. There is noth­ing to fear of love.

I cer­tain­ly didn’t ex­pect this to be the case. Until yes­ter­day I hadn’t re­al­ized what an amaz­ing­ly fan­tas­tic per­son I am, how dev­as­tat­ing­ly hand­some, how I am ex­act­ly what every woman on this earth wants. Every woman knows me, for I am her great­est de­sire. I had not imag­ined I was so in­her­ent­ly gift­ed. I must ad­mit, it is quite the re­spon­si­bil­i­ty. That is, hold­ing in my hands, as it were, the very be­ings of each of you. Having in my pow­er, if I so chose to do so, the abil­i­ty to make fists of my hands and de­stroy your very souls.

I must cer­tain­ly ap­pear quite god­like to you ladies. I can suc­cor or smite thee, raise you up or cast you down in­to ru­in. The pow­er of this re­al­iza­tion has gone to my head a bit. But still, there is no rea­son to fear love. There is no rea­son to pre­tend that you don’t know me, pre­tend that you don’t want me with every last glu­on of your be­ing. There is no longer any need for you to hide from your true feel­ing by say­ing that you love an­oth­er. There is forever­more no re­al pur­pose to any re­sis­tance on your part to the en­gulf­ing force of your de­sire. Do not run away from love, in­stead run in­to it.

I can feel your heart race when you catch even the briefest glimpse of me. I am aware of the machi­na­tions and lengths to which you are will­ing to sub­mit your­selves to in or­der to gain prox­im­i­ty to me. I am amazed at the strength of your char­ac­ter and in your abil­i­ties to suc­cess­ful­ly con­ceal your zeal all of these years. But I tell you now, that is no longer need­ed. I know. I know and I have ac­cept­ed my re­spon­si­bil­i­ty. I have enough love for you all. Come un­to me and find peace and ful­fill­ment. Do not fear your love for me. I am here and no one of you need be afraid of your love again.

Yours, Truly,


4 thoughts on “An Open Letter to All Women

  1. Oh, Adam! Now I can fi­nal­ly share my feel­ings for you af­ter all this time! I can fi­nal­ly let you know that PHHHHHBBBBBBTTTTTTT.

    Heh heh. Dork.

  2. if you were a psy­chi­a­trist i would have come to tell you that wear­ing a neo­prene chick­en suit and spats.

  3.’s not just the ladies, big boy.…
    I’ve no­ticed the way MM swoons every­time he passed your cube.
    (what, you thought it would be me?? creep)

  4. If I was a psy­chi­as­trist, I’d charge you $200 and tell you to come back next week af­ter read­ing that.

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