It is probably pretty obvious, but I am filled with feelings of inadequacy. Like most things, it has its positive effects and negative effects, but I think, for the most part, that this/these feeling[s] hinder more than they help. [sometimes when i write, i have far too many weird things going on in my sentences, such as the brackets, slash, and comma plethora in the last one]
I don’t feel like I am better at anything than anyone else. I know someone who is vastly more knowledgeable or talented or successful or driven, for every possible thing that interests me. I’m mildly envious, but moreso I just feel bummed that I’m not the best at anything. I know two amazing poets and a few great writers, several talented musicians, some great artists, razor-witted thinkers and problem solvers, determined activists, elegant web designers, world class athletes, deft filmmakers, computer tech gurus, you name it.
I can imagine a person telling me that needing to be better than someone is a selfish and egotistical thing. It is important for self-esteem to feel good about something that you can do. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be better or the best at something. For me though, since I am so demanding of myself, and feel so inadequate, being the best is at once both what I am aiming for and what keeps me feeling down. Because I can’t be the best, I can only be me.
— Henry David Thoreau
— Thomas Alva Edison
These quotes trouble me. The first one is very powerful but since I have no idea what my genius is [or, even if I possess one] then I cannot follow it. The second one troubles me because I don’t know if I’ve got the gumption to find out what my genius is. I don’t know if I’ve got the focus or determination to do the necessary 90% perspiration.
Basically, I’m in a conundrum of my own making. I guess I’m expecting these answers to just appear in front of me. I’ve been searching for direction for so long that I must have some strange sort of sense of entitlement to an answer, or at least a compass to lead me there. I’m lost in a desert and I don’t know if I have enough energy to get out.
Of course, I have things much better than many other people. I have a job, I have the best family in the world, I have friends who don’t mind me. I get enough to eat, and I am surrounded by people who challenge and enrich me. I’m healthy, I’m young, and I live in a world that has more interesting things in it than time to do them all. Maybe its not such a big deal that I’m not great at anything. If I took the time to try to be great at something, then I would miss out on something equally cool and vastly different. Does this mean I am content with being inadequate? ack!