Business Hours

closed.jpg I have absolutely lost every last smidgen of patience when it comes to dealing with integral businesses and their business hours. Let me tell you about the title bureau. Pretend it is Andy Rooney speaking.

Last month I went to get my Indiana car title switched to an Ohio title. I arrived at the title bureau at 2:45 on a Friday, fifteen minutes before they closed and found out I had to get my mother to sign a power of attorney to take herself off of our dual title. Fair enough. Yesterday, Tuesday, I went back to the title branch [at 3:15] with the appropriate paperwork and found that it closed at 1:30. I would have gone Monday, but the branch is closed on Monday. I would have even gone on Saturday, but the title branch is closed on Saturday. Apparently the title branch is only open on the 2nd Wednesday in the 3rd week of months with two gibbous moons but only for as long as it takes a teacup poodle to piss on a fuschia fire hyrdrant. [and if the poodle has kidney trouble or the fire hydrant isn’t quite pink enough, well, you are just shit out of luck].

Of course, once I get the title switched over today [if that happens, red tape might be the subject of another rant.] and mosey across the street to the BMV I will likely find out that it is only open when Britney Spears is constipated.

Equally on my nerves are banker’s hours. Banks should be open earlier than 8 and later than 5 [granted some banks are staying open till 5:30 now, and I bet their business has increased greatly] I even know some banks that are only open from 9-4:30. Those banks probably just sleep till the lunch hour and then work for 30-40 minutes before nodding off or playing backgammon till quitting time.

About the only place that seems to be reliable is the Post Office. They don’t close randomly [all local government offices close after noon on Thursdays in my hometown] and are open after 5.

Business hours are solely responsible for the propagation of neo-conservative fundamentalist ideas of the family and also form the basis for the ‘domestic chattel’ occupation of stay-at-home spouses. One person must make the money and the other person must spend the daylight hours trying to get to the title bureau while Fluffy Foo-Foo makes water, sprinting to the bank before the backgammon tournament becomes too exciting and an arbitrary bank holiday is declared, fill up their Haibatsu Planet Eater SUV before the gas prices jump up another dime [by the way; dear gas stations, just round up the damn gas prices from 2.099 to frigging 2.10, no one has ever been fooled] and still find time to get to the Seasonal 15 Second Sale at Hoity-Toity Outfitters, Limited ™®©.

The title bureau should be open from 11am to 7pm Mon-Fri and from 8am to noon on Sat. Banks should be open from 7am to 7pm Mon-Sat. SUVs should be destroyed, rail gun tech should be developed into a maglev transportation system, all cars should be destroyed and we should all live in peace and harmony in a land where it doesn’t take a good goddamn month to get a car title and registration switched from Indiana to Ohio.

12 thoughts on “Business Hours

  1. Are you going to the place just down the street (from work)? I’ve been there a couple times. The best thing to do is just take 1/2 an hour at about 9:30 and head down. No lines and they’re usually open.

  2. unfortunately i’m not willing to drop $50 a month for comedy central, cartoon network, ESPN, Food Network, and TLC.

  3. Or you could come back to Indiana….I have a job opening if you can stand working for OIT (and me) again.

  4. I totally think Tivo type things are a start of something good. My hope is that one day we can have made to order cable and satellite where you only get the channels you want. Because I have absollutely no need for the 10 or so Discovery channels Direct TV gives me.

  5. great rant. reminded me more of lewis black than andy rooney. let me just tell you, be glad you’re not a foreigner dealing with INS offices, or any other immigration-related office…

  6. ugh. i can imagine…

    it must be because all foreigners are terrorists. right?

    i’ll have to look up lewis black, i’d never heard of him before. his site is funny, what with his jive turkey hands going every place.

  7. Very Lewis Black. This is easily the best rant you have ever written. I agree completely. Well done.

  8. Lewis Black = irreverent comic made famous by The Daily Show. Because contrary to what kill-your-television types would have you believe – about 1% of things on television are actually good, worth watching, etc.

  9. maybe you can catch him on leno or letterman or conan o’brien. i see steven wright is on conan tonight… he is basically the exact opposite of lewis black… umm.. sorta.

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