Some Jokes

There was less joke telling in Cana­da this year than usu­al, here is a recount­ing of all of the ones I heard. The can­ni­bal ones are my favorite. I also like Helen Keller jokes, dead baby jokes, misog­y­nis­tic jokes and one racist joke. I am obvi­ous­ly a taste­less bas­tard.

Q. What did the can­ni­bal’s wife give her hus­band when he came home late for din­ner?
A. The cold shoul­der.

Q: Did you hear the one about the can­ni­bal who threw up his arms?

Q: Did you hear the one about the can­ni­bal who passed his neigh­bor in the woods?

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A tourist was in Ire­land walk­ing along an old coun­try road when he saw a sign which read, Sis­ters of Saint Joseph and Whore­house.

‘No,’ thought the tourist, ‘I’ve mis­read that.’ Fur­ther down the road he sees anoth­er sign, five miles to Sis­ters of Saint Joseph and Whore­house, so he decides to check it out. He knocks on the door and says to the Nun, ‘I thought we could do some busi­ness.’

‘Come in,’ she says and sends him down a long wind­ing pas­sage­way. ‘Knock on that door.’

He knocks and a nun opens the door and has a tin cup in her hand.

‘$50 please,’ she says. He places this in the cup and she directs him to anoth­er door, anoth­er Nun opens it with a cup. ‘Anoth­er $50,’ she says. ‘Go in that door.’ The tourist enters, the door locks behind him and he finds him­self out­side of the con­vent.

A sign reads, ‘Go In Peace, You have just been screwed by the sis­ters of Saint Joseph.’

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5 guys go on a fish­ing trip and decide that they will draw straws and the per­son with the short­est straw has to do all the cook­ing and clean­ing while the oth­ers fish all week. The only way out of this is if some­one com­plains about the food. While the four lucky ones go out fish­ing, the man left behind decides on a plan to get out of his duties. He goes into the woods and gets some bear shit, and makes a stew that is about 25% bear shit. The fish­er­men come back for din­ner, after hav­ing an amaz­ing day of fish­ing, and sit down for the stew. Every­one makes a face as they eat it but no one says any­thing. The next day the man left behind makes a stew that is 50% bear shit. The fish­er­man return with anoth­er boat­load of fish and sit down for the stew. Again, despite sick look­ing faces and more than a lit­tle nau­sea, they say noth­ing. On the third day, the cook gath­ers up all the bear shit and makes a stew that is 100% bear shit. The fish­er­men come back from their best day yet and sit down to eat. After the first spoon­ful one of the fish­er­men throws down his spoon and yells ‘This stew tastes exact­ly like bear shit! …but just the way I like it!’

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A bush pilot dropped a hunter off on a lake in a remote area of Cana­da for some moose hunt­ing. He warned the hunter before he left, ‘You can only take one moose back with you. The plane can’t car­ry any­thing more than one moose.’ He then left for a week.

When the pilot returned, sure enough, the hunter had two moose lay­ing on the end of the dock. After much wheedling the hunter man­aged to con­vince the pilot to tie both moose to his sea­plane. They tax­ied to one end of the lake and start­ed to take off. The plane game­ly rose from the water, clipped a few fir trees and crashed.

After crawl­ing out from the wreck­age, the hunter asked ‘Where are we?’ The pilot looked around and said ‘Oh, about 200 yards fur­ther than last year.’

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Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs that floats in water?

A: Bob.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs that hangs on a wall?

A: Art.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs that lays in front of your door?

A: Matt.

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg short­er than the oth­er?

A: Ilene.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves?

A: Rus­sell.