Scarebear

scarebear.jpg In my dream of an an­ti-grav­i­ty rock­et­ship lived the Scarebear. It was crash­land­ing on Earth be­cause it was out of solid fu­el and its pile drive[r] was fid­gety. It was good, [I sup­pose] that it flopped crunch­ing­ly right in­to the as­sem­bly bay of Amalgamator.

Amalgamator had re­al­ly bad hair but this was good be­cause it meant he was a ge­nius sci­en­tist. Scarebear left his space-jalopy to be fid­dled with by the Big A and wan­dered off to find some ac­tion. Scarebear had short stumpy legs and a rather ex­pres­sion­less face but [luck­i­ly] ex­ud­ed some strange ex­trasen­so­ry mag­net­ic creep force that drew love­ly wom­en in­to its dig­it­less clutch­es.

It is a well known fact that all evil [and Scarebear was ob­vi­ous­ly evil] ex­press­es strong lust­filled ten­den­cies to­ward any wom­en in its prox­im­i­ty. It is equal­ly doc­u­ment­ed that beau­ti­ful wom­en are equal­ly drawn to this evil. This is ex­plain­able on­ly be­yond a supralog­i­cal ba­sis, [that is] how [in this case] an ex­trater­res­tri­al pseudo-sen­tient ursine-es­que sex­less and in­cor­ri­gi­bly evil Scarebear can suc­cumb [or, per­haps even cause its coun­ter­part to suc­cumb] to mind­less sym­bol­ic rape be­hav­ior and that the nu­bile debu­tan­tes [of­ten the vic­tims [or, per­haps in­sti­ga­tors] of this be­hav­ior] all are help­less be­fore its undi­rect­ed gen­der­bent de­sire; all this is known be­yond supralog­i­cal­ly as the 1950s Horror Movie Director Simultaneous Projection/​Rebellion Against [and at the same time For] Sexual Repression and [De]Mystification. [A fur­ther study of this top­ic will re­veal an­swers to why the mon­ster al­ways rips off the blouse or skirt of the girl, why the girl is in a swamp/​abandoned building/​cemetary, why she is wear­ing heels in the­se places, why she should have lis­tened to her par­ents and why ex­ploita­tion cin­e­ma can make the­se state­ments while show­ing a man in a rub­ber sea mon­key suit grop­ing a wet shirt­ed co­ed who screams but does not seem to re­al­ly mind what is hap­pen­ing. It will al­so be a waste of time.]

This par­a­digm is what even­tu­al­ly drew Scarebear [or, as some have tak­en to dream­ing him, Spacebear] and the Kiss Destroyer in­to prox­im­i­ty. The Kiss Destroyer was any­thing but the fem­me fa­tale vamp that she might ap­pear to be. She was ac­tu­al­ly a very nice young girl with a con­gen­i­tal neu­ro­mus­cu­lar ir­reg­u­lar­i­ty that freed her [or bound her from de­pend­ing on the point of view] to a rel­a­tive­ly dif­fer­ent world than her non-atom­ic-pow­ered-scooter­less rid­ing kin.

Scarebear was wan­der­ing through Station City [a most bor­ing name its i-look-like-a-bear-but-am-not-a-bear brain al­most thought] when its field of his creep force in­ter­sect­ed the event hori­zon of the Kiss Destroyer. Two min­utes lat­er they were strug­gling. Scarebear was try­ing to un­hitch her bra but was hav­ing dif­fi­cul­ty be­cause [1] she wasn’t wear­ing a bra [2] Scarebear’s arms could not bend [3] Scarebear had no fin­gers [4] Scarebear didn’t know what a bra was and [5] she was giv­ing Scarebear its first bearhug. Then Kiss Destroyer kissed Scarebear on the nose [prompt­ly ex­pung­ing all evil from its sys­tem and turn­ing it in­to a sim­ple Spacebear on a road­trip in its rock­et-jalopy around the galaxy].

She took Scarebear back to Amalgamator [who hired her for no ap­par­ent rea­son with no ap­par­ent job and no ap­par­ent du­ties] and they sent Scarebear on its way.

[Now, I did dream about Scarebear and Kiss Destroyer [which is a Machines of Loving Grace song] but they were sep­a­rate dreams and I com­bined them and made a sto­ry about them be­cause I want­ed to be ran­dom. [That is all.]]

4 thoughts on “Scarebear

  1. Yes, wom­en can be quite frus­trat­ing and il­log­i­cal; how­ev­er, they’re not the on­ly gen­der pos­sess­ing those qual­i­ties.

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