If you aren’t in the mood to listen to me pule like the waste of space I am then you probably want to stop reading right now. LiveJournal lies ahead.
I’ve been miserably lonely for quite some time. I already know this is my own fault; I’ll address that later. What my life lacks at this moment more than anything else are friends. Single ones, specifically; a good guy friend even more specifically. My current friends [thank god for them] are excellent, but they are all married or have significant others. They have full lives of their own with each other, which is as it should be. I am so thankful that they invite me to do things, otherwise I would do nothing at all.
I need single friends so I can call people up randomly and do things, so I don’t feel like a third wheel, so I can have a conversation with an actual person. I often go days at a time without having a real conversation, not something over a cube wall. I often go weeks at a time without incidental physical contact with another human and perhaps all I will get after that time is a brief brush of hands as someone gives me change. I go months without so much as a hug. I’m starving, withering away.
I’ve reached the point where I think I am becoming like those strange sad people who talk to themselves or say awkward things to people because they have forgotten the rules of social interaction. I used to be good company in my weird way. Now I’m beginning to become weird company, period. Worse than that, I’ve forgotten how someone makes friends. I have a personal ad with some site that has at least gotten me some sort of interaction, I learned where the Grog Shop was and where Tower City was and where to get good sushi, but those things tend to fizzle rather quickly due to excessive awkwardness.
I don’t go to bars, and I don’t think single people make friends at bars, I think single people go to bars to get drunk and get some. I could join a recreational sports thing but those things are expensive and I suck at everything but fencing. I’d like to make friends with some of the people at the Young Alumni Happy Hour but how do I manage that? If I find the right venue for making friends, how do I go about making friends? I can’t figure it out and I’m too depressed to try. It probably doesn’t appear that way when I am actually with people, but that is because I am so happy to actually be with people that I suck it all in.
I wonder if I am not a very good friend. I’m not too good with communicating with my old buddies. My friend Jeremy has left me several instant messages but I’ve not given him a call or anything, and his wife is about to have a baby. My friend David recently moved and got a new job, I talked to him then, but haven’t since. My friend Don has written me perhaps 4 letters and I’ve only responded to two. I don’t know what my fricking problem is. My mother says I’m too negative, but she is part of the problem herself, her advice always comes across as nagging, disappointment and criticism. Never empathy. She tells me that I am always dissatisfied with my life but I think I’ve learned to be that way from her. [And just saying that, I can anticipate the conversation where she makes me feel guilty for making her feel guilty.] She might be right, I’m so inert that I don’t know what to do anymore.
And I won’t get in to detail about my lack of a girlfriend, that is just a more specific manifestation of my inability to figure out how to make friends in the first place. It makes me sick that I even feel this way since apparently tons of people are tired of reading about people that feel this way. I guess we’ll all just have to deal with it.