Personal Ad

personal.jpgIf you aren’t in the mood to listen to me pule like the waste of space I am then you probably want to stop reading right now. LiveJournal lies ahead.

I’ve been miserably lonely for quite some time. I already know this is my own fault; I’ll address that later. What my life lacks at this moment more than anything else are friends. Single ones, specifically; a good guy friend even more specifically. My current friends [thank god for them] are excellent, but they are all married or have significant others. They have full lives of their own with each other, which is as it should be. I am so thankful that they invite me to do things, otherwise I would do nothing at all.

I need single friends so I can call people up randomly and do things, so I don’t feel like a third wheel, so I can have a conversation with an actual person. I often go days at a time without having a real conversation, not something over a cube wall. I often go weeks at a time without incidental physical contact with another human and perhaps all I will get after that time is a brief brush of hands as someone gives me change. I go months without so much as a hug. I’m starving, withering away.

I’ve reached the point where I think I am becoming like those strange sad people who talk to themselves or say awkward things to people because they have forgotten the rules of social interaction. I used to be good company in my weird way. Now I’m beginning to become weird company, period. Worse than that, I’ve forgotten how someone makes friends. I have a personal ad with some site that has at least gotten me some sort of interaction, I learned where the Grog Shop was and where Tower City was and where to get good sushi, but those things tend to fizzle rather quickly due to excessive awkwardness.

I don’t go to bars, and I don’t think single people make friends at bars, I think single people go to bars to get drunk and get some. I could join a recreational sports thing but those things are expensive and I suck at everything but fencing. I’d like to make friends with some of the people at the Young Alumni Happy Hour but how do I manage that? If I find the right venue for making friends, how do I go about making friends? I can’t figure it out and I’m too depressed to try. It probably doesn’t appear that way when I am actually with people, but that is because I am so happy to actually be with people that I suck it all in.

I wonder if I am not a very good friend. I’m not too good with communicating with my old buddies. My friend Jeremy has left me several instant messages but I’ve not given him a call or anything, and his wife is about to have a baby. My friend David recently moved and got a new job, I talked to him then, but haven’t since. My friend Don has written me perhaps 4 letters and I’ve only responded to two. I don’t know what my fricking problem is. My mother says I’m too negative, but she is part of the problem herself, her advice always comes across as nagging, disappointment and criticism. Never empathy. She tells me that I am always dissatisfied with my life but I think I’ve learned to be that way from her. [And just saying that, I can anticipate the conversation where she makes me feel guilty for making her feel guilty.] She might be right, I’m so inert that I don’t know what to do anymore.

And I won’t get in to detail about my lack of a girlfriend, that is just a more specific manifestation of my inability to figure out how to make friends in the first place. It makes me sick that I even feel this way since apparently tons of people are tired of reading about people that feel this way. I guess we’ll all just have to deal with it.

12 thoughts on “Personal Ad

  1. I can’t say I’ve ever dated anyone who I “met” somewhere, outside of my everyday life. Okay, once. My first girlfriend. Anyways, everyone else has always been through friends. Going back, 5 out of 6 of the people I’ve dated, in my life, have been people I met through mutual friends. I’ve not saying to start sleeping with your friends. But, I dunno…I know you’re on Friendster. Have you had any luck with that? You’re connected to me and I’m connected to some people with huge webs of friends, so there might be someone out there. Yea, I don’t think the bar scene is the way to go at all. I can’t imagine you as a bar fly 😉 But, I wouldn’t get too disheartened about it though. You’ve smart, funny and attractive. If I were a single girl, with red hair, who sits down the cube farm from you, I’d go out with you 😉

    And I’ve known people WAY more socially awkward than you are, and they managed to find someone. Myself included in that.

  2. What Patrick’s really saying is that Hyacinthe, and in turn Robert Smith, is the center of the universe. Both me and his last girlfriend were friends of and in the Cure fan club with Hyacinthe, who was Patrick’s roomate briefly and, I believe, introduced both of us to him.

  3. yup, and Hyacinthe is single (I believe) as well..
    so there you go 😉

    Robert Smith..unfortunately, not. But you can always make a go of it.

  4. yo. i know how you feel. ive never liked going to the bars, because as you said i feel that the people there arent looking for the same thing that i am, and i tend to not fit well with them anyway. even my friends that are up here i dont have much contact with. they seem to have different lives now than before, and they have changed so much we dont really enjoy much of the same things anymore. sure, i do get to see them from time to time, but that is not very often. that however doesnt include my lack of interaction with the opposite sex, which is pretty much limited to nothing more than those i work with, and everyone i work with is older than me, and i have very little in common with them. and with some of my old friends that arent around, man, im horrible at keeping in contact too. theres you, miller, andy, i never talk to you guys, and theres no reason for that other than i am not good at keeping in touch. okay, ive rambled enough. everything will be alright. bob marley said so.

  5. Ok,I know this is kind of a personal blog entry,and I know we really don’t know each other (I even had to ask Pat if he thought it was weird that I read your blog) but I admire your honesty. There aren’t a lot of people out there willing to admit their lonliness. I freely talk about mine,only because I know I am not the only one that feels lonely at times. And it’s nice to hear “yea I feel that way too”. But you will meet more people,don’t stress,just try to be more social,and just be yourself. Because people will know if you are trying too hard. It’s not difficult to meet people,it’s just the issue of putting yourself out there TO meet people that can be hard. Affection and finding someone that will care about you is a wonderful thing,and something like that just happens naturally. I never go to bars to “hook up”,because like I said,that is almost forcing the social scene on yourself. Bars can be sleazy places anyway for the single person. I think some of it can be a self esteem issue. If you are confidant and are happy with yourself,it wil show,and people will want to be around you. And from a girls perspective,you’re smart,funny,and cute,so I think you would have a lot to offer someone. The single scene out there can be harsh,but it’s worth it in the end when you find that person that makes you happy. So just relax,because all this inner turmoil and brooding will only make you feel worse and prevent you from finding happiness. Oh and also that online dating thing isn’t too bad from what I hear. My co-worker met his wife online and she is expecting his kid in a few months. So you never know.

  6. I am merely expressing my opinion. I think everyone now and then needs a little ego boost.I am useful sometimes you know,and sadly the one thing I know the best is what it’s like to be single. I’ve gotten so good at it,I’m thinking of putting it on my resume.

  7. I don’t really have any good advice for you, as I am the type to date people I meet online. Sure, it seems silly, and I admit that it makes me a complete nerd, but since I don’t drink there isn’t a reason for me to hit the bar scene. Meeting people at shows is also impossible, because it isn’t exactly easy to have a conversation over Melt Banana.

    The longest relationships of my life have (including the one I’m in now) been courtesy of the internet.

    Gross. I can’t believe I just admitted that.

  8. Depending upon the day, I’ve certainly felt what you’re describing. I only keep in touch with very few of the people I’ve known over the years. Aside from when I’m working, my interaction with people is at a bare minimum these days. It doesn’t help that anyone I’ve known in Lafayette/WL has moved out of here by now.

    I can’t tell you it will all work out, but you’ve seemed to have become more at peace with yourself in the past year, so I do think you’ll be okay. Hell no, don’t go to a bar. Just be yourself and take your opportunities as they come, and they will come.

  9. Did you see the movie “The Station Agent” yet?
    Dynamics of relationships are exposed. They really aren’t as great as some folks think.

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