Personal Ad

personal.jpgIf you aren’t in the mood to lis­ten to me pule like the waste of space I am then you prob­a­bly want to stop read­ing right now. Live­Jour­nal lies ahead.

I’ve been mis­er­ably lone­ly for quite some time. I already know this is my own fault; I’ll address that lat­er. What my life lacks at this moment more than any­thing else are friends. Sin­gle ones, specif­i­cal­ly; a good guy friend even more specif­i­cal­ly. My cur­rent friends [thank god for them] are excel­lent, but they are all mar­ried or have sig­nif­i­cant oth­ers. They have full lives of their own with each oth­er, which is as it should be. I am so thank­ful that they invite me to do things, oth­er­wise I would do noth­ing at all.

I need sin­gle friends so I can call peo­ple up ran­dom­ly and do things, so I don’t feel like a third wheel, so I can have a con­ver­sa­tion with an actu­al per­son. I often go days at a time with­out hav­ing a real con­ver­sa­tion, not some­thing over a cube wall. I often go weeks at a time with­out inci­den­tal phys­i­cal con­tact with anoth­er human and per­haps all I will get after that time is a brief brush of hands as some­one gives me change. I go months with­out so much as a hug. I’m starv­ing, with­er­ing away.

I’ve reached the point where I think I am becom­ing like those strange sad peo­ple who talk to them­selves or say awk­ward things to peo­ple because they have for­got­ten the rules of social inter­ac­tion. I used to be good com­pa­ny in my weird way. Now I’m begin­ning to become weird com­pa­ny, peri­od. Worse than that, I’ve for­got­ten how some­one makes friends. I have a per­son­al ad with some site that has at least got­ten me some sort of inter­ac­tion, I learned where the Grog Shop was and where Tow­er City was and where to get good sushi, but those things tend to fiz­zle rather quick­ly due to exces­sive awk­ward­ness.

I don’t go to bars, and I don’t think sin­gle peo­ple make friends at bars, I think sin­gle peo­ple go to bars to get drunk and get some. I could join a recre­ation­al sports thing but those things are expen­sive and I suck at every­thing but fenc­ing. I’d like to make friends with some of the peo­ple at the Young Alum­ni Hap­py Hour but how do I man­age that? If I find the right venue for mak­ing friends, how do I go about mak­ing friends? I can’t fig­ure it out and I’m too depressed to try. It prob­a­bly does­n’t appear that way when I am actu­al­ly with peo­ple, but that is because I am so hap­py to actu­al­ly be with peo­ple that I suck it all in.

I won­der if I am not a very good friend. I’m not too good with com­mu­ni­cat­ing with my old bud­dies. My friend Jere­my has left me sev­er­al instant mes­sages but I’ve not giv­en him a call or any­thing, and his wife is about to have a baby. My friend David recent­ly moved and got a new job, I talked to him then, but haven’t since. My friend Don has writ­ten me per­haps 4 let­ters and I’ve only respond­ed to two. I don’t know what my frick­ing prob­lem is. My moth­er says I’m too neg­a­tive, but she is part of the prob­lem her­self, her advice always comes across as nag­ging, dis­ap­point­ment and crit­i­cism. Nev­er empa­thy. She tells me that I am always dis­sat­is­fied with my life but I think I’ve learned to be that way from her. [And just say­ing that, I can antic­i­pate the con­ver­sa­tion where she makes me feel guilty for mak­ing her feel guilty.] She might be right, I’m so inert that I don’t know what to do any­more.

And I won’t get in to detail about my lack of a girl­friend, that is just a more spe­cif­ic man­i­fes­ta­tion of my inabil­i­ty to fig­ure out how to make friends in the first place. It makes me sick that I even feel this way since appar­ent­ly tons of peo­ple are tired of read­ing about peo­ple that feel this way. I guess we’ll all just have to deal with it.

12 thoughts on “Personal Ad”

  1. I can’t say I’ve ever dat­ed any­one who I “met” some­where, out­side of my every­day life. Okay, once. My first girl­friend. Any­ways, every­one else has always been through friends. Going back, 5 out of 6 of the peo­ple I’ve dat­ed, in my life, have been peo­ple I met through mutu­al friends. I’ve not say­ing to start sleep­ing with your friends. But, I dunno…I know you’re on Friend­ster. Have you had any luck with that? You’re con­nect­ed to me and I’m con­nect­ed to some peo­ple with huge webs of friends, so there might be some­one out there. Yea, I don’t think the bar scene is the way to go at all. I can’t imag­ine you as a bar fly 😉 But, I would­n’t get too dis­heart­ened about it though. You’ve smart, fun­ny and attrac­tive. If I were a sin­gle girl, with red hair, who sits down the cube farm from you, I’d go out with you 😉

    And I’ve known peo­ple WAY more social­ly awk­ward than you are, and they man­aged to find some­one. Myself includ­ed in that.

  2. What Patrick­’s real­ly say­ing is that Hyacinthe, and in turn Robert Smith, is the cen­ter of the uni­verse. Both me and his last girl­friend were friends of and in the Cure fan club with Hyacinthe, who was Patrick­’s roo­mate briefly and, I believe, intro­duced both of us to him.

  3. yup, and Hyacinthe is sin­gle (I believe) as well..
    so there you go 😉

    Robert Smith..unfortunately, not. But you can always make a go of it.

  4. yo. i know how you feel. ive nev­er liked going to the bars, because as you said i feel that the peo­ple there arent look­ing for the same thing that i am, and i tend to not fit well with them any­way. even my friends that are up here i dont have much con­tact with. they seem to have dif­fer­ent lives now than before, and they have changed so much we dont real­ly enjoy much of the same things any­more. sure, i do get to see them from time to time, but that is not very often. that how­ev­er does­nt include my lack of inter­ac­tion with the oppo­site sex, which is pret­ty much lim­it­ed to noth­ing more than those i work with, and every­one i work with is old­er than me, and i have very lit­tle in com­mon with them. and with some of my old friends that arent around, man, im hor­ri­ble at keep­ing in con­tact too. theres you, miller, andy, i nev­er talk to you guys, and theres no rea­son for that oth­er than i am not good at keep­ing in touch. okay, ive ram­bled enough. every­thing will be alright. bob mar­ley said so.

  5. Ok,I know this is kind of a per­son­al blog entry,and I know we real­ly don’t know each oth­er (I even had to ask Pat if he thought it was weird that I read your blog) but I admire your hon­esty. There aren’t a lot of peo­ple out there will­ing to admit their lon­li­ness. I freely talk about mine,only because I know I am not the only one that feels lone­ly at times. And it’s nice to hear “yea I feel that way too”. But you will meet more people,don’t stress,just try to be more social,and just be your­self. Because peo­ple will know if you are try­ing too hard. It’s not dif­fi­cult to meet people,it’s just the issue of putting your­self out there TO meet peo­ple that can be hard. Affec­tion and find­ing some­one that will care about you is a won­der­ful thing,and some­thing like that just hap­pens nat­u­ral­ly. I nev­er go to bars to “hook up”,because like I said,that is almost forc­ing the social scene on your­self. Bars can be sleazy places any­way for the sin­gle per­son. I think some of it can be a self esteem issue. If you are con­fi­dant and are hap­py with yourself,it wil show,and peo­ple will want to be around you. And from a girls perspective,you’re smart,funny,and cute,so I think you would have a lot to offer some­one. The sin­gle scene out there can be harsh,but it’s worth it in the end when you find that per­son that makes you hap­py. So just relax,because all this inner tur­moil and brood­ing will only make you feel worse and pre­vent you from find­ing hap­pi­ness. Oh and also that online dat­ing thing isn’t too bad from what I hear. My co-work­er met his wife online and she is expect­ing his kid in a few months. So you nev­er know.

  8. ooh! do see STATION AGENT. it’s a great lit­tle sweet and sin­cere movie. it was a nice sur­prise.

  9. I am mere­ly express­ing my opin­ion. I think every­one now and then needs a lit­tle ego boost.I am use­ful some­times you know,and sad­ly the one thing I know the best is what it’s like to be sin­gle. I’ve got­ten so good at it,I’m think­ing of putting it on my resume.

  10. I don’t real­ly have any good advice for you, as I am the type to date peo­ple I meet online. Sure, it seems sil­ly, and I admit that it makes me a com­plete nerd, but since I don’t drink there isn’t a rea­son for me to hit the bar scene. Meet­ing peo­ple at shows is also impos­si­ble, because it isn’t exact­ly easy to have a con­ver­sa­tion over Melt Banana.

    The longest rela­tion­ships of my life have (includ­ing the one I’m in now) been cour­tesy of the inter­net.

    Gross. I can’t believe I just admit­ted that.

  11. Depend­ing upon the day, I’ve cer­tain­ly felt what you’re describ­ing. I only keep in touch with very few of the peo­ple I’ve known over the years. Aside from when I’m work­ing, my inter­ac­tion with peo­ple is at a bare min­i­mum these days. It does­n’t help that any­one I’ve known in Lafayette/WL has moved out of here by now.

    I can’t tell you it will all work out, but you’ve seemed to have become more at peace with your­self in the past year, so I do think you’ll be okay. Hell no, don’t go to a bar. Just be your­self and take your oppor­tu­ni­ties as they come, and they will come.

  12. Did you see the movie “The Sta­tion Agent” yet?
    Dynam­ics of rela­tion­ships are exposed. They real­ly aren’t as great as some folks think.

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