Pork II

pork.jpg I heard through a sec­ondary source that some­one once ex­plained me as some­one who “nev­er as­sumes anything.” I’m not sure if this is cor­rect, but I will as­sume it is and try to watch it play out.

If I had said that my­self I think I would have put it more like: I am not sur­prised when my ex­pec­ta­tions or as­sump­tions are in­cor­rect. Maybe my mind is a sort of blend be­tween Buddhism and Epictetus. Instead of be­ing ut­ter­ly pas­sive and sus­tained by my mere ex­is­tence in the world, like a jel­ly­fish is sus­tained by the ocean [to steal a metaphor from Ursula K. LeGuin] or like how I per­ceive Buddhism [I am go­ing to leave this as a sen­tence frag­ment]. In my case, Epictetian be­hav­ior is my fun­da­men­tal, con­trol­ling what I can con­trol, us­ing con­trol of my­self to con­trol the world.

At the same time, my con­trol has lim­its, and my knowl­edge is on­ly sub­jec­tive. Recognition of this of­ten leads me to the con­clu­sion that in­ac­tion is the safest route, one that dis­turbs the equi­lib­ri­um the least. So of­ten I do not act, do not speak, do not as­sume be­cause the re­sults might be un­fa­vor­able. I am not a risky per­son. When I do make as­sump­tions and have ex­pec­ta­tions, I al­most al­ways keep them qui­et be­cause I might be wrong. I try not to let them in­flu­ence my per­cep­tions to the point where I might treat them as fact and not sup­po­si­tion.

Perhaps this is pride­ful of me, to not state my as­sump­tions or act on my ex­pec­ta­tions be­cause I fear I might ap­pear a fool when I am proven wrong. I ap­pear a fool of­ten enough with­out this how­ev­er, so it might as well not mat­ter.

5 thoughts on “Pork II

  1. I’ve no­ticed now that over the past two years I too have be­come very re­served with the things I let out to oth­ers. This isn’t to say that I would reack­less­ly speak be­fore, but that I have no­ticed a marked change in my­self. I am con­tin­u­ous­ly not speak­ing for fear of up­set­ting some­one, or in fear of be­ing bad­gered about some­thing I have said.
    In ad­mit­ting so, I am sure I do sound para­noid. That might be the case. But I think liv­ing around my fa­ther for so long has left me on my gau­rd a bit, lead­ing me to feel that I should on­ly re­al­ly speak when I have some­thing to say that won’t work peo­ple up.

    Knowing when to bite your tongue is a good thing. But of­ten, at least to me, not speak­ing up makes me feel like I am not be­ing hon­est. it is some­thing I have been wrestling with a lot late­ly, as I have many im­por­tant things to say to peo­ple (boyfriend) that just aren’t be­ing said out of fear of hurt­ing that per­son, or sound­ing dumb.

  2. I’ve be­gun act­ing the same way jane, al­though re­cent life events have made me more spir­it­ed and em­bit­tered and there­fore much more like­ly to state my views on a sub­ject.

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