I am pretty consistently pulled in two distinct directions. In one, I feel that my life should be full of celebrity and glory. That I should be famous and contribute to the betterment of mankind. It rejects the comfort and mundanity of working a normal job and living a normal life.

The other side, is of course, working a normal job and living a normal life. The relative simplicity and less dreamlike goals that this one contains also appeal to me. I see nothing wrong with living a quiet unambitious life and gaining personal celebrity and glory through small things done well. It rejects the American Dream mentality.

In either case though, I still feel like I’m buying in to some sort of system. I guess I am since culture and society are systems. Perhaps it is better to say that I feel as if I were betraying something by choosing one or the other. I can’t figure out what other options are available. I can’t seem to reimagine or think outside of these two boxes.

I think I am missing glory at this time. I think of where I was in college, being on a National Championship team, being perceptive where it mattered, writing poetry that seemed to impress people. And it isn’t compliments or recognition I am particularly fishing for. Those are nice, but glory only shows up when I know it for truth myself. And yeah, glory is fleeting, that is what makes it so special. But it is addictive too, I want to feel it again. That is why I want to do things that are Large or Impressive or Perceptive. But I can sort of see the glory and pride of having a good marriage and raising some kids that will be Larger and Impressiver and Perceptiver than I am.

But here I am again, only seeing two options. There have got to be more.