Tactical Lameness

It seems my friends and I, though we don’t ever admit it, have con­tests to see who can be the lamest. We nev­er say who wins because we don’t admit the con­test exists. We all have dif­fer­ent tac­tics.

Lauren’s main tac­tic is over­whelm­ing lame­ness. She will say things like “NO!” or “Yo Mama!” over and over as her only response to our lame­ness­es. At first this is inef­fec­tive, but after days and weeks of bom­bard­ment it is soul-crush­ing in its pow­er. Patrick’s main skill is meta­lame­ness. He often points out how lame we are, most often when we insult him. But he clev­er­ly under­stands that by say­ing “Lame” he is in fact being lame him­self. Amaz­ing.

My tac­tic is a bit more involved. I try to tai­lor my lame­ness to the spe­cif­ic per­son or group. This requires a lot of home­work. I have to know my lame­ness vic­tims inti­mate­ly, I must share the same air they breath, use their tooth­brush, et cetera in order to max­i­mize my abil­i­ty to be lame. I could just let my nat­ur­al lame­ness assert itself, but hey, if it is a skill I might as well devel­op it.

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