Fast Choice Fish and Cheese Sandwich

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Today I had my sec­ond item from the vendy down­stairs. I had the Fast Choice Fish and Cheese Sandwich by Pierre Foods, again. For $1.65 I re­ceived 5.75 ounces of…some­thing…with the con­sis­ten­cy and taste of a dirty, wet mit­ten.

This item is ap­par­ent­ly slight­ly bet­ter for you than Biz AZ Bubba Twins be­cause the nu­tri­tion in­for­ma­tion is ac­tu­al­ly post­ed on their web­site. Once again, it was not avail­able from the pack­ag­ing it­self. 440 calo­ries, 16g of fat, 45mg of cho­les­terol, 820mg of sodi­um, 54g of carbs and [sur­pris­ing­ly] 18g of pro­tein. Wow that is bad for you.

The main in­gre­di­ent, in bold type is Fully Cooked Breaded Alaskan Pollock. I think they think if they put it in bold type we’ll be more like­ly to be­lieve that there re­al­ly is fish in this sand­wich. The rest of the in­gre­di­ents ap­pear to be, word for word, an ex­act copy of the EPA’s Hazardous Materials list.

To cook this beast you open the bag and put it in the mi­crowave for…45 sec­onds. I cooked mine for 12 min­utes just to be safe. It came out of the mi­crowave sus­pi­cious­ly odor­less. Putting my nose close to the bag I had a faint whiff of cheap bread­ing, but that is all. It steamed and squished in my hand like a fresh di­a­per from a two-year old. I showed it to my friend Patrick, who im­me­di­ate­ly made the sign ward­ing him­self from the evil eye and stum­bled out of his cube, wet­ting him­self.

So I fi­nal­ly took a bite, anx­ious to see if the bag’s claim of “Improved Taste” would over­come the dis­turbing lack of odor. The sand­wich was ut­ter­ly taste­less. I as­sume “im­proved taste” means it doesn’t taste like buttchunks any­more. No taste is an im­prove­ment. In fact, the on­ly thing tasty on the sand­wich was the ketchup I put on it. The “cheese” dis­ap­peared dur­ing the mi­crowav­ing process. I can on­ly imag­ine that it was ashamed to be on such a sand­wich and as­cend­ed to a high­er plane.

Grade: Slightly grosser than Salisbury steak.

12 thoughts on “Fast Choice Fish and Cheese Sandwich

  1. Now they don’t tell you what *parts* of the fish they used.
    i mean, un­less I am look­ing at that pic wrong, it doesn’t ex­act­ly look like a well..whole piece of fish

  2. oh I can’t be­lieve they make fish sand­wich­es for vend­ing ma­chi­nes. But what as­tounds me more is the fact you bought it and even in­gest­ed it. You are a brave brave man. Just look­ing at it makes my stom­ach turn. My hat is off to you sir.

  3. Adam,

    This is re­al­ly bad! This is every mother’s night­mare. If you are hun­gry and don’t want to cook, come over I al­ways have food in my ice box.

  4. It isn’t hunger or lazi­ness, just pure masochism. I typ­i­cal­ly cook rather healthy meals for my­self, but since they in­stalled that vendy, it has been taunt­ing me, chal­leng­ing me to eat the nasty things in­side it and sur­vive. I in­tend to do so.

  5. Tuna?? oh sweet je­sus that is hor­ri­ble. Your stom­ach is go­ing to re­bel again­st you one day. Probably when you are dri­ving down the high­way at 80m­ph. Just re­mem­ber to roll down the win­dow first.

  6. the thing i al­ways wor­ry about it…how long has that so called ed­i­ble item been sit­ting in that wheel ‘o death??

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