Fast Choice Fish and Cheese Sandwich

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Today I had my second item from the vendy downstairs. I had the Fast Choice Fish and Cheese Sandwich by Pierre Foods, again. For $1.65 I received 5.75 ounces of…something…with the consistency and taste of a dirty, wet mitten.

This item is apparently slightly better for you than Biz AZ Bubba Twins because the nutrition information is actually posted on their website. Once again, it was not available from the packaging itself. 440 calories, 16g of fat, 45mg of cholesterol, 820mg of sodium, 54g of carbs and [surprisingly] 18g of protein. Wow that is bad for you.

The main ingredient, in bold type is Fully Cooked Breaded Alaskan Pollock. I think they think if they put it in bold type we’ll be more likely to believe that there really is fish in this sandwich. The rest of the ingredients appear to be, word for word, an exact copy of the EPA’s Hazardous Materials list.

To cook this beast you open the bag and put it in the microwave for…45 seconds. I cooked mine for 12 minutes just to be safe. It came out of the microwave suspiciously odorless. Putting my nose close to the bag I had a faint whiff of cheap breading, but that is all. It steamed and squished in my hand like a fresh diaper from a two-year old. I showed it to my friend Patrick, who immediately made the sign warding himself from the evil eye and stumbled out of his cube, wetting himself.

So I finally took a bite, anxious to see if the bag’s claim of “Improved Taste” would overcome the disturbing lack of odor. The sandwich was utterly tasteless. I assume “improved taste” means it doesn’t taste like buttchunks anymore. No taste is an improvement. In fact, the only thing tasty on the sandwich was the ketchup I put on it. The “cheese” disappeared during the microwaving process. I can only imagine that it was ashamed to be on such a sandwich and ascended to a higher plane.

Grade: Slightly grosser than Salisbury steak.

12 thoughts on “Fast Choice Fish and Cheese Sandwich

  1. Now they don’t tell you what *parts* of the fish they used.
    i mean, unless I am looking at that pic wrong, it doesn’t exactly look like a well..whole piece of fish

  2. oh I can’t believe they make fish sandwiches for vending machines. But what astounds me more is the fact you bought it and even ingested it. You are a brave brave man. Just looking at it makes my stomach turn. My hat is off to you sir.

  3. Adam,

    This is really bad! This is every mother’s nightmare. If you are hungry and don’t want to cook, come over I always have food in my ice box.

  4. It isn’t hunger or laziness, just pure masochism. I typically cook rather healthy meals for myself, but since they installed that vendy, it has been taunting me, challenging me to eat the nasty things inside it and survive. I intend to do so.

  5. Tuna?? oh sweet jesus that is horrible. Your stomach is going to rebel against you one day. Probably when you are driving down the highway at 80mph. Just remember to roll down the window first.

  6. the thing i always worry about it…how long has that so called edible item been sitting in that wheel ‘o death??

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