Today I had my sec­ond item from the vendy down­stairs. I had the Fast Choice Fish and Cheese Sand­wich by Pierre Foods, again. For $1.65 I received 5.75 ounces of…some­thing…with the con­sis­tency and taste of a dirty, wet mitten.

This item is appar­ently slightly bet­ter for you than Biz AZ Bubba Twins because the nutri­tion infor­ma­tion is actu­ally posted on their web­site. Once again, it was not avail­able from the pack­ag­ing itself. 440 calo­ries, 16g of fat, 45mg of cho­les­terol, 820mg of sodium, 54g of carbs and [sur­pris­ingly] 18g of pro­tein. Wow that is bad for you.

The main ingre­di­ent, in bold type is Fully Cooked Breaded Alaskan Pol­lock. I think they think if they put it in bold type we’ll be more likely to believe that there really is fish in this sand­wich. The rest of the ingre­di­ents appear to be, word for word, an exact copy of the EPA’s Haz­ardous Mate­ri­als list.

To cook this beast you open the bag and put it in the microwave for…45 sec­onds. I cooked mine for 12 min­utes just to be safe. It came out of the microwave sus­pi­ciously odor­less. Putting my nose close to the bag I had a faint whiff of cheap bread­ing, but that is all. It steamed and squished in my hand like a fresh dia­per from a two-​year old. I showed it to my friend Patrick, who imme­di­ately made the sign ward­ing him­self from the evil eye and stum­bled out of his cube, wet­ting himself.

So I finally took a bite, anx­ious to see if the bag’s claim of “Improved Taste” would over­come the dis­turb­ing lack of odor. The sand­wich was utterly taste­less. I assume “improved taste” means it doesn’t taste like buttchunks any­more. No taste is an improve­ment. In fact, the only thing tasty on the sand­wich was the ketchup I put on it. The “cheese” dis­ap­peared dur­ing the microwav­ing process. I can only imag­ine that it was ashamed to be on such a sand­wich and ascended to a higher plane.

Grade: Slightly grosser than Sal­is­bury steak.