Fast Choice Fish and Cheese Sandwich

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Today I had my sec­ond item from the vendy down­stairs. I had the Fast Choice Fish and Cheese Sand­wich by Pierre Foods, again. For $1.65 I received 5.75 ounces of…some­thing…with the con­sis­ten­cy and taste of a dirty, wet mit­ten.

This item is appar­ent­ly slight­ly bet­ter for you than Biz AZ Bub­ba Twins because the nutri­tion infor­ma­tion is actu­al­ly post­ed on their web­site. Once again, it was not avail­able from the pack­ag­ing itself. 440 calo­ries, 16g of fat, 45mg of cho­les­terol, 820mg of sodi­um, 54g of carbs and [sur­pris­ing­ly] 18g of pro­tein. Wow that is bad for you.

The main ingre­di­ent, in bold type is Ful­ly Cooked Bread­ed Alaskan Pol­lock. I think they think if they put it in bold type we’ll be more like­ly to believe that there real­ly is fish in this sand­wich. The rest of the ingre­di­ents appear to be, word for word, an exact copy of the EPA’s Haz­ardous Mate­ri­als list.

To cook this beast you open the bag and put it in the microwave for…45 sec­onds. I cooked mine for 12 min­utes just to be safe. It came out of the microwave sus­pi­cious­ly odor­less. Putting my nose close to the bag I had a faint whiff of cheap bread­ing, but that is all. It steamed and squished in my hand like a fresh dia­per from a two-year old. I showed it to my friend Patrick, who imme­di­ate­ly made the sign ward­ing him­self from the evil eye and stum­bled out of his cube, wet­ting him­self.

So I final­ly took a bite, anx­ious to see if the bag’s claim of “Improved Taste” would over­come the dis­turb­ing lack of odor. The sand­wich was utter­ly taste­less. I assume “improved taste” means it doesn’t taste like buttchunks any­more. No taste is an improve­ment. In fact, the only thing tasty on the sand­wich was the ketchup I put on it. The “cheese” dis­ap­peared dur­ing the microwav­ing process. I can only imag­ine that it was ashamed to be on such a sand­wich and ascend­ed to a high­er plane.

Grade: Slight­ly gross­er than Sal­is­bury steak.

12 Replies

  • Now they don’t tell you what *parts* of the fish they used.
    i mean, unless I am look­ing at that pic wrong, it doesn’t exact­ly look like a well..whole piece of fish

  • oh I can’t believe they make fish sand­wich­es for vend­ing machines. But what astounds me more is the fact you bought it and even ingest­ed it. You are a brave brave man. Just look­ing at it makes my stom­ach turn. My hat is off to you sir.

  • Adam,

    This is real­ly bad! This is every mother’s night­mare. If you are hun­gry and don’t want to cook, come over I always have food in my ice box.

  • It isn’t hunger or lazi­ness, just pure masochism. I typ­i­cal­ly cook rather healthy meals for myself, but since they installed that vendy, it has been taunt­ing me, chal­leng­ing me to eat the nasty things inside it and sur­vive. I intend to do so.

  • Tuna?? oh sweet jesus that is hor­ri­ble. Your stom­ach is going to rebel against you one day. Prob­a­bly when you are dri­ving down the high­way at 80mph. Just remem­ber to roll down the win­dow first.

  • the thing i always wor­ry about it…how long has that so called edi­ble item been sit­ting in that wheel ‘o death??

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