Thursday, 26 May 2005

Wrecking Crews

If I were in the following situations I would want the following entities as a part of my wrecking crew to get the job done.

1. Destroying a large meteor that is hurtling toward earth.

• John Henry the Steeldriving Man
• Buzz Aldrin
• Psyduck

Buzz flies us to the meteor, John Henry proceeds to bust it up with his bigass hammer, and if all else fails, I’ll beat the shit out of Psyduck until he wigs out and disintegrates the meteor.

2. Obtaining the Moon on a necklace for my girl.

• The Man in the Moon
• The St. Pauli Girl
• Pierre Cartier

The St. Pauli Girl gets The Man in the Moon hammered until he passes out, then Pierre Cartier comes in and fashions a necklace around the drunken sot.

3. Figuring out how to keep my cabinet latch from unlatching itself.

• MacGyver
• Jay Arena [inventor of the child proof safety cap]
• HAL 9000

HAL 9000 stares at us while MacGyver uses duct tape and a Swiss Army knife to fix the thing. Jay Arena ensures it will be unable to be opened by anything human.

4. Defeating an army of heavily-armed cyborg space pirates.

• The Master Chief
• Solid Snake
• one ninja

The Master Chief kills all the grunts while Solid Snake sneaks in the back door and kills the pirate king. Meanwhile the ninja and I fly around wailing on our guitars and porking hot chicks.

5. Moving 10,000 chickens from one building to another in 10 minutes.

• Gonzo
• Napoleon Dynamite
• The Colonel

’nuff said.

6. Walking down the street looking tough and cool.

• Captain Caveman
• Yngwie Malmsteen
• Uma Thurman

With Uma on my arm, Yngwie playing the high frets and Captain Caveman beaning anyone in our vicinity, I don’t think anyone will argue about my toughness or coolness.

7. Winning a national high school cheerleading contest against a rival school who are cheaters and not as pretty as us anyway.

• Erwin Rommel
• George Patton
• Hannibal Lector

Rommel and Patton, in two tanks, duel each other, and as a result kill/crush/blow-up all the cheerleaders in the competition. Meanwhile, Hannibal Lector kills and eats me to end my nightmare.

8. Finding the little tin of memories I buried in the yard on Franklin street many years ago.

• A beagle
• Sigmund Freud
• Mole

Mole [from Wind in the Willows] does sapper recon while the beagle works aboveground. Freud psychoanalyzes my ass to determine whether I dreamed that I left a little tin of stuff buried in the yard or whether it really happened.

9. Determining the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.

• one bloke down the pub
• one bloke down the pub
• one bloke down the pub who has lots of aspirin

Hopefully the pub has Guinness draught.

10. Outsmarting a madman evil genius.

• Batman
• Kasparov
• a five year old

Batman, Kasparov and I all come up with possibilities for stopping the genius, they all fail. Right before hope is lost the five year old says something obvious that provides us with the answer.

Tuesday, 24 May 2005

Blorf

I’m back in the saddle but not riding far yet. My throat has gone from red giant to white dwarf and I’m sort of always tired, but I think that is because I lost a few pounds in my deletrious delerious weekend.
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Monday, 23 May 2005

Mono My Ass

I’ve been flat on my ass since Thursday, throat so swollen that I could barely swallow a Tylenol. So, I’ve not eaten since Thursday either. I’d write more but I don’t have the energy. I’ve started dreaming about donuts and macaroni and cheese.

Thursday, 19 May 2005

Wal-Mart Cognitive Dissonance

From a Plain Dealer Editorial:

There’s much to criticize about Wal-Mart’s business practices, but let’s be honest: Wal-Mart is already in this market. City residents regularly trek to its suburban stores. Why shouldn’t they be able to shop closer to home – in stores that employ their neighbors and pay taxes to support city services – if they choose? A full-service Wal-Mart at Steelyard Commons surely will hurt some city merchants, including grocery stores. Any new enterprise may hurt someone’s business; that’s called competition.

This is not much more than an argument for convenience, while at the same time stating that there are local businesses already filling the need. It also seems to be saying that if Wal-Mart hurts local businesses then that is good for Cleveland. Right.

And in Sam Fulwood III’s column:

“Fighting Wal-Mart and keeping real jobs in Cleveland was a top priority for us,” he said. “Yes, they seem to have gotten by us for the moment, but we’re still going to fight them.”

Nah, that battle is likely over. Give Wal-Mart its laurels and watch the small neighborhood businesses die.

What is all this giving up crap? What is all this spreading our legs for ubiquitous big boxes? “Oh, please, Wal-Mart, smack me around and treat me like a two-bit whore! Move in with me, I’ll pay for your every need, just give it to me good.”

Bah.
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Blogger Meetup and Grovewood Tavern

The Blogger Meetup was last night, and when we got most of the gossip out of the way, we started in on Wal-Mart and possibly using this issue, which a few of us feel quite strongly on, to test our efficacy as a blogging community. See if we can’t make a difference instead of just talking. If you’d like to join in, a good first resource is over at Democracy Guy. There is an informational and organizational meeting next Wednesday at the Treehouse. I also ate at the Grovewood Tavern, Beer, Food and free WiFi. I got a Bison Steak Sandwich with spicy mayo, cheese, romaine lettuce and baby beefsteaks and house fries for $8.50. I also had a He’Brew, The Chosen Beer.

Wednesday, 18 May 2005

Froat

I don’t want to make this blog about Cleveland. That is why I started Tremonter. But, I live in Cleveland and I’m constantly putting myself in positions where people are talking about Cleveland. So, I’m getting Cleveland on the brain. Which is funny, since I don’t care for any of the sports teams, go downtown once in a blue moon and have no idea what a tree lawn is. I also have nothing even approximate to a Cleveland accent, thankfully. My spleen is fine, but my froat hurts. I went to the North of Literary block club last night, which was rather empty, but there was a gentleman who was like a stereotypical mafioso and there was also a very pretty young lady but I think she was with her man. Ow. froat. Ain’t got nothing else to blogabout.