Wrecking Crews

If I were in the fol­low­ing sit­u­a­tions I would want the fol­low­ing enti­ties as a part of my wreck­ing crew to get the job done.

1. Destroy­ing a large mete­or that is hurtling toward earth.

• John Hen­ry the Steeldriv­ing Man
• Buzz Aldrin
• Psy­duck

Buzz flies us to the mete­or, John Hen­ry pro­ceeds to bust it up with his bigass ham­mer, and if all else fails, I’ll beat the shit out of Psy­duck until he wigs out and dis­in­te­grates the mete­or.

2. Obtain­ing the Moon on a neck­lace for my girl.

• The Man in the Moon
• The St. Pauli Girl
• Pierre Carti­er

The St. Pauli Girl gets The Man in the Moon ham­mered until he pass­es out, then Pierre Carti­er comes in and fash­ions a neck­lace around the drunk­en sot.

3. Fig­ur­ing out how to keep my cab­i­net latch from unlatch­ing itself.

• Mac­Gyver
• Jay Are­na [inven­tor of the child proof safe­ty cap]
HAL 9000

HAL 9000 stares at us while Mac­Gyver uses duct tape and a Swiss Army knife to fix the thing. Jay Are­na ensures it will be unable to be opened by any­thing human.

4. Defeat­ing an army of heav­i­ly-armed cyborg space pirates.

• The Mas­ter Chief
• Sol­id Snake
• one nin­ja

The Mas­ter Chief kills all the grunts while Sol­id Snake sneaks in the back door and kills the pirate king. Mean­while the nin­ja and I fly around wail­ing on our gui­tars and pork­ing hot chicks.

5. Mov­ing 10,000 chick­ens from one build­ing to anoth­er in 10 min­utes.

• Gonzo
• Napoleon Dyna­mite
• The Colonel

’nuff said.

6. Walk­ing down the street look­ing tough and cool.

• Cap­tain Cave­man
• Yng­wie Malm­steen
• Uma Thur­man

With Uma on my arm, Yng­wie play­ing the high frets and Cap­tain Cave­man bean­ing any­one in our vicin­i­ty, I don’t think any­one will argue about my tough­ness or cool­ness.

7. Win­ning a nation­al high school cheer­lead­ing con­test against a rival school who are cheaters and not as pret­ty as us any­way.

• Erwin Rom­mel
• George Pat­ton
• Han­ni­bal Lec­tor

Rom­mel and Pat­ton, in two tanks, duel each oth­er, and as a result kil­l/crush/blow-up all the cheer­lead­ers in the com­pe­ti­tion. Mean­while, Han­ni­bal Lec­tor kills and eats me to end my night­mare.

8. Find­ing the lit­tle tin of mem­o­ries I buried in the yard on Franklin street many years ago.

• A bea­gle
• Sig­mund Freud
• Mole

Mole [from Wind in the Wil­lows] does sap­per recon while the bea­gle works above­ground. Freud psy­cho­an­a­lyzes my ass to deter­mine whether I dreamed that I left a lit­tle tin of stuff buried in the yard or whether it real­ly hap­pened.

9. Deter­min­ing the Answer to Life, the Uni­verse and Every­thing.

• one bloke down the pub
• one bloke down the pub
• one bloke down the pub who has lots of aspirin

Hope­ful­ly the pub has Guin­ness draught.

10. Out­smart­ing a mad­man evil genius.

• Bat­man
• Kas­parov
• a five year old

Bat­man, Kas­parov and I all come up with pos­si­bil­i­ties for stop­ping the genius, they all fail. Right before hope is lost the five year old says some­thing obvi­ous that pro­vides us with the answer.

Mono My Ass

I’ve been flat on my ass since Thurs­day, throat so swollen that I could bare­ly swal­low a Tylenol. So, I’ve not eat­en since Thurs­day either. I’d write more but I don’t have the ener­gy. I’ve start­ed dream­ing about donuts and mac­a­roni and cheese.

Wal-Mart Cognitive Dissonance

From a Plain Deal­er Edi­to­r­i­al:

There’s much to crit­i­cize about Wal-Mart’s busi­ness prac­tices, but let’s be hon­est: Wal-Mart is already in this mar­ket. City res­i­dents reg­u­lar­ly trek to its sub­ur­ban stores. Why shouldn’t they be able to shop clos­er to home — in stores that employ their neigh­bors and pay tax­es to sup­port city ser­vices — if they choose? A full-ser­vice Wal-Mart at Steel­yard Com­mons sure­ly will hurt some city mer­chants, includ­ing gro­cery stores. Any new enter­prise may hurt someone’s busi­ness; that’s called com­pe­ti­tion.

This is not much more than an argu­ment for con­ve­nience, while at the same time stat­ing that there are local busi­ness­es already fill­ing the need. It also seems to be say­ing that if Wal-Mart hurts local busi­ness­es then that is good for Cleve­land. Right.

And in Sam Ful­wood III’s col­umn:

“Fight­ing Wal-Mart and keep­ing real jobs in Cleve­land was a top pri­or­i­ty for us,” he said. “Yes, they seem to have got­ten by us for the moment, but we’re still going to fight them.”

Nah, that bat­tle is like­ly over. Give Wal-Mart its lau­rels and watch the small neigh­bor­hood busi­ness­es die.

What is all this giv­ing up crap? What is all this spread­ing our legs for ubiq­ui­tous big box­es? “Oh, please, Wal-Mart, smack me around and treat me like a two-bit whore! Move in with me, I’ll pay for your every need, just give it to me good.”

Bah.
Con­tin­ue read­ing “Wal-Mart Cog­ni­tive Dis­so­nance”

Blogger Meetup and Grovewood Tavern

The Blog­ger Meet­up was last night, and when we got most of the gos­sip out of the way, we start­ed in on Wal-Mart and pos­si­bly using this issue, which a few of us feel quite strong­ly on, to test our effi­ca­cy as a blog­ging com­mu­ni­ty. See if we can’t make a dif­fer­ence instead of just talk­ing. If you’d like to join in, a good first resource is over at Democ­ra­cy Guy. There is an infor­ma­tion­al and orga­ni­za­tion­al meet­ing next Wednes­day at the Tree­house. I also ate at the Grove­wood Tav­ern, Beer, Food and free WiFi. I got a Bison Steak Sand­wich with spicy mayo, cheese, romaine let­tuce and baby beef­steaks and house fries for $8.50. I also had a He’Brew, The Cho­sen Beer.

Froat

I don’t want to make this blog about Cleve­land. That is why I start­ed Tremon­ter. But, I live in Cleve­land and I’m con­stant­ly putting myself in posi­tions where peo­ple are talk­ing about Cleve­land. So, I’m get­ting Cleve­land on the brain. Which is fun­ny, since I don’t care for any of the sports teams, go down­town once in a blue moon and have no idea what a tree lawn is. I also have noth­ing even approx­i­mate to a Cleve­land accent, thank­ful­ly. My spleen is fine, but my froat hurts. I went to the North of Lit­er­ary block club last night, which was rather emp­ty, but there was a gen­tle­man who was like a stereo­typ­i­cal mafioso and there was also a very pret­ty young lady but I think she was with her man. Ow. froat. Ain’t got noth­ing else to blo­gabout.