Méliès the Magician

Tuesday, 31 May 2005

It isn’t of­ten I do a DVD re­view, but then, when what I’m re­view­ing is a bunch of stuff from the be­gin­ning of the 20th cen­tury, I guess you have to make do. I fi­nally sat down and watched all of Méliès the MagicianDVD that has been rest­ing on my tele­vi­sion for quite some time now.
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Wrecking Crews

Thursday, 26 May 2005

If I were in the fol­low­ing sit­u­a­tions I would want the fol­low­ing en­ti­ties as a part of my wreck­ing crew to get the job done.

1. Destroying a large me­teor that is hurtling to­ward earth.

• John Henry the Steeldriving Man
• Buzz Aldrin
• Psyduck

Buzz flies us to the me­teor, John Henry pro­ceeds to bust it up with his bi­gass ham­mer, and if all else fails, I’ll beat the shit out of Psyduck un­til he wigs out and dis­in­te­grates the me­teor.

2. Obtaining the Moon on a neck­lace for my girl.

• The Man in the Moon
• The St. Pauli Girl
• Pierre Cartier

The St. Pauli Girl gets The Man in the Moon ham­mered un­til he passes out, then Pierre Cartier comes in and fash­ions a neck­lace around the drunken sot.

3. Figuring out how to keep my cab­i­net latch from un­latch­ing it­self.

• MacGyver
• Jay Arena [in­ven­tor of the child proof safety cap]
HAL 9000

HAL 9000 stares at us while MacGyver uses duct tape and a Swiss Army knife to fix the thing. Jay Arena en­sures it will be un­able to be opened by any­thing hu­man.

4. Defeating an army of heav­ily-armed cy­borg space pi­rates.

• The Master Chief
• Solid Snake
• one ninja

The Master Chief kills all the grunts while Solid Snake sneaks in the back door and kills the pi­rate king. Meanwhile the ninja and I fly around wail­ing on our gui­tars and pork­ing hot chicks.

5. Moving 10,000 chick­ens from one build­ing to an­other in 10 min­utes.

• Gonzo
• Napoleon Dynamite
• The Colonel

’nuff said.

6. Walking down the street look­ing tough and cool.

• Captain Caveman
• Yngwie Malmsteen
• Uma Thurman

With Uma on my arm, Yngwie play­ing the high frets and Captain Caveman bean­ing any­one in our vicin­ity, I don’t think any­one will ar­gue about my tough­ness or cool­ness.

7. Winning a na­tional high school cheer­lead­ing con­test against a ri­val school who are cheaters and not as pretty as us any­way.

• Erwin Rommel
• George Patton
• Hannibal Lector

Rommel and Patton, in two tanks, duel each other, and as a re­sult kill/​crush/​blow-​up all the cheer­lead­ers in the com­pe­ti­tion. Meanwhile, Hannibal Lector kills and eats me to end my night­mare.

8. Finding the lit­tle tin of mem­o­ries I buried in the yard on Franklin street many years ago.

• A bea­gle
• Sigmund Freud
• Mole

Mole [from Wind in the Willows] does sap­per re­con while the bea­gle works above­ground. Freud psy­cho­an­a­lyzes my ass to de­ter­mine whether I dreamed that I left a lit­tle tin of stuff buried in the yard or whether it re­ally hap­pened.

9. Determining the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.

• one bloke down the pub
• one bloke down the pub
• one bloke down the pub who has lots of as­pirin

Hopefully the pub has Guinness draught.

10. Outsmarting a mad­man evil ge­nius.

• Batman
• Kasparov
• a five year old

Batman, Kasparov and I all come up with pos­si­bil­i­ties for stop­ping the ge­nius, they all fail. Right be­fore hope is lost the five year old says some­thing ob­vi­ous that pro­vides us with the an­swer.


Tuesday, 24 May 2005

I’m back in the sad­dle but not rid­ing far yet. My throat has gone from red gi­ant to white dwarf and I’m sort of al­ways tired, but I think that is be­cause I lost a few pounds in my deletri­ous dele­ri­ous week­end.
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Mono My Ass

Monday, 23 May 2005

I’ve been flat on my ass since Thursday, throat so swol­len that I could barely swal­low a Tylenol. So, I’ve not eaten since Thursday ei­ther. I’d write more but I don’t have the en­ergy. I’ve started dream­ing about donuts and mac­a­roni and cheese.

Wal-Mart Cognitive Dissonance

Thursday, 19 May 2005

From a Plain Dealer Editorial:

There’s much to crit­i­cize about Wal-Mart’s busi­ness prac­tices, but let’s be hon­est: Wal-Mart is al­ready in this mar­ket. City res­i­dents reg­u­larly trek to its sub­ur­ban stores. Why shouldn’t they be able to shop closer to home — in stores that em­ploy their neigh­bors and pay taxes to sup­port city ser­vices — if they choose? A full-ser­vice Wal-Mart at Steelyard Commons surely will hurt some city mer­chants, in­clud­ing gro­cery stores. Any new en­ter­prise may hurt someone’s busi­ness; that’s called com­pe­ti­tion.

This is not much more than an ar­gu­ment for con­ve­nience, while at the same time stat­ing that there are lo­cal busi­nesses al­ready fill­ing the need. It also seems to be say­ing that if Wal-Mart hurts lo­cal busi­nesses then that is good for Cleveland. Right.

And in Sam Fulwood III’s column:

“Fighting Wal-Mart and keep­ing real jobs in Cleveland was a top pri­or­ity for us,” he said. “Yes, they seem to have got­ten by us for the mo­ment, but we’re still go­ing to fight them.”

Nah, that bat­tle is likely over. Give Wal-Mart its lau­rels and watch the small neigh­bor­hood busi­nesses die.

What is all this giv­ing up crap? What is all this spread­ing our legs for ubiq­ui­tous big boxes? “Oh, please, Wal-Mart, smack me around and treat me like a two-bit whore! Move in with me, I’ll pay for your every need, just give it to me good.”

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Blogger Meetup and Grovewood Tavern

The Blogger Meetup was last night, and when we got most of the gos­sip out of the way, we started in on Wal-Mart and pos­si­bly us­ing this is­sue, which a few of us feel quite strongly on, to test our ef­fi­cacy as a blog­ging com­mu­nity. See if we can’t make a dif­fer­ence in­stead of just talk­ing. If you’d like to join in, a good first re­source is over at Democracy Guy. There is an in­for­ma­tional and or­ga­ni­za­tional meet­ing next Wednesday at the Treehouse. I also ate at the Grovewood Tavern, Beer, Food and free WiFi. I got a Bison Steak Sandwich with spicy mayo, cheese, ro­maine let­tuce and baby beef­steaks and house fries for $8.50. I also had a He’Brew, The Chosen Beer.


Wednesday, 18 May 2005

I don’t want to make this blog about Cleveland. That is why I started Tremonter. But, I live in Cleveland and I’m con­stantly putting my­self in po­si­tions where peo­ple are talk­ing about Cleveland. So, I’m get­ting Cleveland on the brain. Which is funny, since I don’t care for any of the sports teams, go down­town once in a blue moon and have no idea what a tree lawn is. I also have noth­ing even ap­prox­i­mate to a Cleveland ac­cent, thank­fully. My spleen is fine, but my froat hurts. I went to the North of Literary block club last night, which was rather empty, but there was a gen­tle­man who was like a stereo­typ­i­cal mafioso and there was also a very pretty young lady but I think she was with her man. Ow. froat. Ain’t got noth­ing else to blo­gabout.