Wrecking Crews

If I were in the following situations I would want the following entities as a part of my wrecking crew to get the job done.

1. Destroying a large meteor that is hurtling toward earth.

• John Henry the Steeldriving Man
• Buzz Aldrin
• Psyduck

Buzz flies us to the meteor, John Henry proceeds to bust it up with his bigass hammer, and if all else fails, I’ll beat the shit out of Psyduck until he wigs out and disintegrates the meteor.

2. Obtaining the Moon on a necklace for my girl.

• The Man in the Moon
• The St. Pauli Girl
• Pierre Cartier

The St. Pauli Girl gets The Man in the Moon hammered until he passes out, then Pierre Cartier comes in and fashions a necklace around the drunken sot.

3. Figuring out how to keep my cabinet latch from unlatching itself.

• MacGyver
• Jay Arena [inventor of the child proof safety cap]
• HAL 9000

HAL 9000 stares at us while MacGyver uses duct tape and a Swiss Army knife to fix the thing. Jay Arena ensures it will be unable to be opened by anything human.

4. Defeating an army of heavily-armed cyborg space pirates.

• The Master Chief
• Solid Snake
• one ninja

The Master Chief kills all the grunts while Solid Snake sneaks in the back door and kills the pirate king. Meanwhile the ninja and I fly around wailing on our guitars and porking hot chicks.

5. Moving 10,000 chickens from one building to another in 10 minutes.

• Gonzo
• Napoleon Dynamite
• The Colonel

’nuff said.

6. Walking down the street looking tough and cool.

• Captain Caveman
• Yngwie Malmsteen
• Uma Thurman

With Uma on my arm, Yngwie playing the high frets and Captain Caveman beaning anyone in our vicinity, I don’t think anyone will argue about my toughness or coolness.

7. Winning a national high school cheerleading contest against a rival school who are cheaters and not as pretty as us anyway.

• Erwin Rommel
• George Patton
• Hannibal Lector

Rommel and Patton, in two tanks, duel each other, and as a result kill/crush/blow-up all the cheerleaders in the competition. Meanwhile, Hannibal Lector kills and eats me to end my nightmare.

8. Finding the little tin of memories I buried in the yard on Franklin street many years ago.

• A beagle
• Sigmund Freud
• Mole

Mole [from Wind in the Willows] does sapper recon while the beagle works aboveground. Freud psychoanalyzes my ass to determine whether I dreamed that I left a little tin of stuff buried in the yard or whether it really happened.

9. Determining the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.

• one bloke down the pub
• one bloke down the pub
• one bloke down the pub who has lots of aspirin

Hopefully the pub has Guinness draught.

10. Outsmarting a madman evil genius.

• Batman
• Kasparov
• a five year old

Batman, Kasparov and I all come up with possibilities for stopping the genius, they all fail. Right before hope is lost the five year old says something obvious that provides us with the answer.