Wrecking Crews

If I were in the fol­low­ing sit­u­a­tions I would want the fol­low­ing en­ti­ties as a part of my wreck­ing crew to get the job done.

1. Destroying a large me­te­or that is hurtling to­ward earth.

• John Henry the Steeldriving Man
• Buzz Aldrin
• Psyduck

Buzz flies us to the me­te­or, John Henry pro­ceeds to bust it up with his bi­gass ham­mer, and if all else fails, I’ll beat the shit out of Psyduck un­til he wigs out and dis­in­te­grates the me­te­or.

2. Obtaining the Moon on a neck­lace for my girl.

• The Man in the Moon
• The St. Pauli Girl
• Pierre Cartier

The St. Pauli Girl gets The Man in the Moon ham­mered un­til he pass­es out, then Pierre Cartier comes in and fash­ions a neck­lace around the drunk­en sot.

3. Figuring out how to keep my cab­i­net latch from un­latch­ing it­self.

• MacGyver
• Jay Arena [in­ven­tor of the child proof safe­ty cap]
HAL 9000

HAL 9000 stares at us while MacGyver us­es duct tape and a Swiss Army knife to fix the thing. Jay Arena en­sures it will be un­able to be opened by any­thing hu­man.

4. Defeating an army of heav­i­ly-armed cy­borg space pi­rates.

• The Master Chief
• Solid Snake
• one nin­ja

The Master Chief kills all the grunts while Solid Snake sneaks in the back door and kills the pi­rate king. Meanwhile the nin­ja and I fly around wail­ing on our gui­tars and pork­ing hot chicks.

5. Moving 10,000 chick­ens from one build­ing to an­oth­er in 10 min­utes.

• Gonzo
• Napoleon Dynamite
• The Colonel

’nuff said.

6. Walking down the street look­ing tough and cool.

• Captain Caveman
• Yngwie Malmsteen
• Uma Thurman

With Uma on my arm, Yngwie play­ing the high frets and Captain Caveman bean­ing any­one in our vicin­i­ty, I don’t think any­one will ar­gue about my tough­ness or cool­ness.

7. Winning a na­tion­al high school cheer­lead­ing con­test against a ri­val school who are cheaters and not as pret­ty as us any­way.

• Erwin Rommel
• George Patton
• Hannibal Lector

Rommel and Patton, in two tanks, du­el each oth­er, and as a re­sult kill/​crush/​blow-​up all the cheer­lead­ers in the com­pe­ti­tion. Meanwhile, Hannibal Lector kills and eats me to end my night­mare.

8. Finding the lit­tle tin of mem­o­ries I buried in the yard on Franklin street many years ago.

• A bea­gle
• Sigmund Freud
• Mole

Mole [from Wind in the Willows] does sap­per re­con while the bea­gle works above­ground. Freud psy­cho­an­a­lyzes my ass to de­ter­mine whether I dreamed that I left a lit­tle tin of stuff buried in the yard or whether it re­al­ly hap­pened.

9. Determining the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.

• one bloke down the pub
• one bloke down the pub
• one bloke down the pub who has lots of as­pirin

Hopefully the pub has Guinness draught.

10. Outsmarting a mad­man evil ge­nius.

• Batman
• Kasparov
• a five year old

Batman, Kasparov and I all come up with pos­si­bil­i­ties for stop­ping the ge­nius, they all fail. Right be­fore hope is lost the five year old says some­thing ob­vi­ous that pro­vides us with the an­swer.