Spectacular Spectacle SMASH

Thursday, 30 June 2005

My ti­ta­ni­um spec­ta­cle frames broke this morn­ing. I ac­ci­den­tal­ly sat on them last night af­ter get­ting home from the Sokolowski Benefit. Figures, in­stead of putting my ex­tra check this mon­th to­ward my debts, I have to pur­chase new glass­es. Needless to say, I’m grouchy to­day.

Womanizer

Wednesday, 29 June 2005

I am a mild sort of wom­an­iz­er and I’m try­ing to get over it. I’m al­ways talk­ing about some ran­dom girl that I think is hot, and ba­si­cal­ly be­ing a big fat mid­dle school kid. I think my friend nailed the prob­lem when she said:

i just think that when you are so pre­oc­cu­pied dai­ly with the fact that you ain’t got a wom­an, the wom­an starts to be­come some sor­ta gen­er­al ob­ject (place-filler) in­stead of a speci­fic per­son… hence the “wom­an­iz­ing.”

Perhaps be­com­ing less oc­cu­pied with my per­cep­tion that hav­ing no girl = lack will get me head­ed in the right di­rec­tion.

Holy, Faith, Mercenary, Church, Unusual Magic-Eye Prayer Rug

Tuesday, 28 June 2005

Several of my friends and ac­quain­tances have re­ceived the fol­low­ing in their re­spec­tive mail­box­es. I on­ly wish I could get one sent to my ad­dress as well. Beware, past the jump is an ex­am­ple of what can hap­pen to re­li­gion when it be­comes in­fect­ed by The Stupid™. Actually, it is a scam, which should be ob­vi­ous to any­one who looks at the damn thing. Except for peo­ple in­fect­ed with The Stupid™.

Business Reply Mail Envelope Front

A pret­ty stan­dard BRE, apart from the GIANT let­ters that on­ly make sense when I’m drunk on Stoli.

Business Reply Mail Envelope Back

A trite mes­sage of hope on the en­velope flap.

Page 1 of the scam

Now we get to the fun­ny parts. This let­ter reads like those “African Republic” spams, but it al­so re­plete with il­log­i­cal and seem­ing­ly ran­dom bold­ing, ram­pant un­der­lin­ing, non­sen­si­cal sen­tence struc­ture, mis­quot­ed scrip­ture and su­per­mun­dane in­for­ma­tion pre­sent­ed as fas­ci­nat­ing ma­te­ri­al. The fun­ni­est parts to me are when­ev­er the prayer rug is men­tioned. It is al­ways ac­com­pa­nied by nev­er re­peat­ing strings of mod­i­fiers and ad­jec­tives.

Page 2 of the scam

Now the scam shows its teeth. Simply check­ing a box and send­ing some cash to St. Matthew’s Churches will solve all your fi­nan­cial prob­lems! Yeah, that makes TONS of sense.

Front of the Flyer

They are pre­pared for skep­tics like me though. They have tes­ti­mo­ni­als given by racial­ly am­bigu­ous peo­ple from the ear­ly 1980s!

Back of the Flyer


I’m im­pressed by the re­spon­si­bil­i­ty of the­se peo­ple, who know their debt down to the last pen­ny. I’m sure they’d nev­er fall for a snail mail scam like this one.

Magic Eye Holy Prayer Yo Mama Rug

Worst Magic Eye Ever. If you look close­ly at his right eye, you can pret­ty much see the open one im­me­di­ate­ly. And I can nev­er do Magic Eye Puzzles. Besides, Christ has the fur-cov­ered, chin­less, megacra­nial head of a hy­dro­cephal­ic.

Back of Rug

Yup. Whatever you say.

Where in Cleveland?

Monday, 27 June 2005

Where in Cleveland are men’s cloth­ing stores? I need to buy some black pants be­fore Wednesday. I’m picky. I want flat front­ed, heav­ier-than-dress-pants ma­te­ri­al, black pants. I was at ExpressMen and Kohl’s the oth­er day [which is where I usu­al­ly shop for clothes] and they didn’t have any­thing even ap­prox­i­mat­ing what I want­ed. I re­al­ized I should try to buy clothes from lo­cal folks. Unfortunately, still be­ing a rel­a­tive­ly new Clevelander, I have no frick­ing clue what lo­cal cloth­ing stores ex­ist, where they are and what their price ranges are. Help!

Swenson’s Drive-In

Thursday, 23 June 2005

I had lunch at Swenson’s Drive-In in Seven Hills. It was un­like Kunkel’s Drive-in in Connersville, they didn’t have the old box­es to call in­side, in­stead you turn on your lights. The carhops run to and from the ve­hi­cles, I imag­ine they stay in good shape do­ing this. One of the carhops looked like she was prob­a­bly a com­pet­i­tive run­ner. I got burg­ers. Part of my quest to find a de­cent ham­burg­er in Cleveland.
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Resolution

My buddy’s band [the one I was briefly a part of] had its last show last night at the Rain Nightclub. A good crowd showed up, and Greyson and Patrick de­but­ed some new mu­sic and pro­vid­ed an en­ter­tain­ing an in­tent show. They played all my old fa­vorites too. Surprise of sur­pris­es, I even ran in­to an old col­lege friend.