Spectacular Spectacle SMASH

Thursday, 30 June 2005

My ti­ta­nium spec­ta­cle frames broke this morn­ing. I ac­ci­den­tally sat on them last night af­ter get­ting home from the Sokolowski Benefit. Figures, in­stead of putting my ex­tra check this month to­ward my debts, I have to pur­chase new glasses. Needless to say, I’m grouchy to­day.

Womanizer

Wednesday, 29 June 2005

I am a mild sort of wom­an­izer and I’m try­ing to get over it. I’m al­ways talk­ing about some ran­dom girl that I think is hot, and ba­si­cally be­ing a big fat mid­dle school kid. I think my friend nailed the prob­lem when she said:

i just think that when you are so pre­oc­cu­pied daily with the fact that you ain’t got a woman, the woman starts to be­come some sorta gen­eral ob­ject (place-filler) in­stead of a speci­fic per­son… hence the “wom­an­iz­ing.”

Perhaps be­com­ing less oc­cu­pied with my per­cep­tion that hav­ing no girl = lack will get me headed in the right di­rec­tion.

Holy, Faith, Mercenary, Church, Unusual Magic-Eye Prayer Rug

Tuesday, 28 June 2005

Several of my friends and ac­quain­tances have re­ceived the fol­low­ing in their re­spec­tive mail­boxes. I only wish I could get one sent to my ad­dress as well. Beware, past the jump is an ex­am­ple of what can hap­pen to re­li­gion when it be­comes in­fected by The Stupid™. Actually, it is a scam, which should be ob­vi­ous to any­one who looks at the damn thing. Except for peo­ple in­fected with The Stupid™.

Business Reply Mail Envelope Front

A pretty stan­dard BRE, apart from the GIANT let­ters that only make sense when I’m drunk on Stoli.

Business Reply Mail Envelope Back

A trite mes­sage of hope on the en­velope flap.

Page 1 of the scam

Now we get to the funny parts. This let­ter reads like those “African Republic” spams, but it also re­plete with il­log­i­cal and seem­ingly ran­dom bold­ing, ram­pant un­der­lin­ing, non­sen­si­cal sen­tence struc­ture, mis­quoted scrip­ture and su­per­mun­dane in­for­ma­tion pre­sented as fas­ci­nat­ing ma­te­rial. The fun­ni­est parts to me are when­ever the prayer rug is men­tioned. It is al­ways ac­com­pa­nied by never re­peat­ing strings of mod­i­fiers and ad­jec­tives.

Page 2 of the scam

Now the scam shows its teeth. Simply check­ing a box and send­ing some cash to St. Matthew’s Churches will solve all your fi­nan­cial prob­lems! Yeah, that makes TONS of sense.

Front of the Flyer

They are pre­pared for skep­tics like me though. They have tes­ti­mo­ni­als given by racially am­bigu­ous peo­ple from the early 1980s!

Back of the Flyer


I’m im­pressed by the re­spon­si­bil­ity of these peo­ple, who know their debt down to the last penny. I’m sure they’d never fall for a snail mail scam like this one.

Magic Eye Holy Prayer Yo Mama Rug

Worst Magic Eye Ever. If you look closely at his right eye, you can pretty much see the open one im­me­di­ately. And I can never do Magic Eye Puzzles. Besides, Christ has the fur-cov­ered, chin­less, megacra­nial head of a hy­dro­cephalic.

Back of Rug

Yup. Whatever you say.

Where in Cleveland?

Monday, 27 June 2005

Where in Cleveland are men’s cloth­ing stores? I need to buy some black pants be­fore Wednesday. I’m picky. I want flat fronted, heav­ier-than-dress-pants ma­te­rial, black pants. I was at ExpressMen and Kohl’s the other day [which is where I usu­ally shop for clothes] and they didn’t have any­thing even ap­prox­i­mat­ing what I wanted. I re­al­ized I should try to buy clothes from lo­cal folks. Unfortunately, still be­ing a rel­a­tively new Clevelander, I have no frick­ing clue what lo­cal cloth­ing stores ex­ist, where they are and what their price ranges are. Help!

Swenson’s Drive-In

Thursday, 23 June 2005

I had lunch at Swenson’s Drive-In in Seven Hills. It was un­like Kunkel’s Drive-in in Connersville, they didn’t have the old boxes to call in­side, in­stead you turn on your lights. The carhops run to and from the ve­hi­cles, I imag­ine they stay in good shape do­ing this. One of the carhops looked like she was prob­a­bly a com­pet­i­tive run­ner. I got burg­ers. Part of my quest to find a de­cent ham­burger in Cleveland.
Continue Reading

Resolution

My buddy’s band [the one I was briefly a part of] had its last show last night at the Rain Nightclub. A good crowd showed up, and Greyson and Patrick de­buted some new mu­sic and pro­vided an en­ter­tain­ing an in­tent show. They played all my old fa­vorites too. Surprise of sur­prises, I even ran into an old col­lege friend.