My titanium spectacle frames broke this morning. I accidentally sat on them last night after getting home from the Sokolowski Benefit. Figures, instead of putting my extra check this month toward my debts, I have to purchase new glasses. Needless to say, I’m grouchy today.
I am a mild sort of womanizer and I’m trying to get over it. I’m always talking about some random girl that I think is hot, and basically being a big fat middle school kid. I think my friend nailed the problem when she said:
Perhaps becoming less occupied with my perception that having no girl = lack will get me headed in the right direction.
Several of my friends and acquaintances have received the following in their respective mailboxes. I only wish I could get one sent to my address as well. Beware, past the jump is an example of what can happen to religion when it becomes infected by The Stupid™. Actually, it is a scam, which should be obvious to anyone who looks at the damn thing. Except for people infected with The Stupid™.
Business Reply Mail Envelope Front
A pretty standard BRE, apart from the GIANT letters that only make sense when I’m drunk on Stoli.
Business Reply Mail Envelope Back
A trite message of hope on the envelope flap.
Page 1 of the scam
Now we get to the funny parts. This letter reads like those “African Republic” spams, but it also replete with illogical and seemingly random bolding, rampant underlining, nonsensical sentence structure, misquoted scripture and supermundane information presented as fascinating material. The funniest parts to me are whenever the prayer rug is mentioned. It is always accompanied by never repeating strings of modifiers and adjectives.
Page 2 of the scam
Now the scam shows its teeth. Simply checking a box and sending some cash to St. Matthew’s Churches will solve all your financial problems! Yeah, that makes TONS of sense.
Front of the Flyer
They are prepared for skeptics like me though. They have testimonials given by racially ambiguous people from the early 1980s!
Back of the Flyer
I’m impressed by the responsibility of these people, who know their debt down to the last penny. I’m sure they’d never fall for a snail mail scam like this one.
Magic Eye Holy Prayer Yo Mama Rug
Worst Magic Eye Ever. If you look closely at his right eye, you can pretty much see the open one immediately. And I can never do Magic Eye Puzzles. Besides, Christ has the fur-covered, chinless, megacranial head of a hydrocephalic.
Back of Rug
Yup. Whatever you say.
Where in Cleveland are men’s clothing stores? I need to buy some black pants before Wednesday. I’m picky. I want flat fronted, heavier-than-dress-pants material, black pants. I was at ExpressMen and Kohl’s the other day [which is where I usually shop for clothes] and they didn’t have anything even approximating what I wanted. I realized I should try to buy clothes from local folks. Unfortunately, still being a relatively new Clevelander, I have no fricking clue what local clothing stores exist, where they are and what their price ranges are. Help!
Another visit to the Pierre Foods kitchen today at the vendy. I got 2 Char-Broils with Cheese for $1.50. Total weight: 4.8 ounces. Unfortunately I could not find the exact same item on the Pierre Foods site. Instead I’ve linked to the closest one. No nutritional information available, unfortunately.
I had lunch at Swenson’s Drive-In in Seven Hills. It was unlike Kunkel’s Drive-in in Connersville, they didn’t have the old boxes to call inside, instead you turn on your lights. The carhops run to and from the vehicles, I imagine they stay in good shape doing this. One of the carhops looked like she was probably a competitive runner. I got burgers. Part of my quest to find a decent hamburger in Cleveland.
My buddy’s band [the one I was briefly a part of] had its last show last night at the Rain Nightclub. A good crowd showed up, and Greyson and Patrick debuted some new music and provided an entertaining an intent show. They played all my old favorites too. Surprise of surprises, I even ran into an old college friend.