Spectacular Spectacle SMASH

My tita­ni­um spec­ta­cle frames broke this morn­ing. I acci­den­tal­ly sat on them last night after get­ting home from the Sokolows­ki Ben­e­fit. Fig­ures, instead of putting my extra check this month toward my debts, I have to pur­chase new glass­es. Need­less to say, I’m grouchy today.

Womanizer

I am a mild sort of wom­an­iz­er and I’m try­ing to get over it. I’m always talk­ing about some ran­dom girl that I think is hot, and basi­cal­ly being a big fat mid­dle school kid. I think my friend nailed the prob­lem when she said:

i just think that when you are so pre­oc­cu­pied dai­ly with the fact that you ain’t got a woman, the woman starts to become some sor­ta gen­er­al object (place-filler) instead of a spe­cif­ic per­son… hence the “wom­an­iz­ing.”

Per­haps becom­ing less occu­pied with my per­cep­tion that hav­ing no girl = lack will get me head­ed in the right direc­tion.

Holy, Faith, Mercenary, Church, Unusual Magic-Eye Prayer Rug

Sev­er­al of my friends and acquain­tances have received the fol­low­ing in their respec­tive mail­box­es. I only wish I could get one sent to my address as well. Beware, past the jump is an exam­ple of what can hap­pen to reli­gion when it becomes infect­ed by The Stu­pid™. Actu­al­ly, it is a scam, which should be obvi­ous to any­one who looks at the damn thing. Except for peo­ple infect­ed with The Stu­pid™.

Business Reply Mail Envelope Front

A pret­ty stan­dard BRE, apart from the GIANT let­ters that only make sense when I’m drunk on Stoli.

Business Reply Mail Envelope Back

A trite mes­sage of hope on the enve­lope flap.

Page 1 of the scam

Now we get to the fun­ny parts. This let­ter reads like those “African Repub­lic” spams, but it also replete with illog­i­cal and seem­ing­ly ran­dom bold­ing, ram­pant under­lin­ing, non­sen­si­cal sen­tence struc­ture, mis­quot­ed scrip­ture and super­mun­dane infor­ma­tion pre­sent­ed as fas­ci­nat­ing mate­r­i­al. The fun­ni­est parts to me are when­ev­er the prayer rug is men­tioned. It is always accom­pa­nied by nev­er repeat­ing strings of mod­i­fiers and adjec­tives.

Page 2 of the scam

Now the scam shows its teeth. Sim­ply check­ing a box and send­ing some cash to St. Matthew’s Church­es will solve all your finan­cial prob­lems! Yeah, that makes TONS of sense.

Front of the Flyer

They are pre­pared for skep­tics like me though. They have tes­ti­mo­ni­als giv­en by racial­ly ambigu­ous peo­ple from the ear­ly 1980s!

Back of the Flyer


I’m impressed by the respon­si­bil­i­ty of these peo­ple, who know their debt down to the last pen­ny. I’m sure they’d nev­er fall for a snail mail scam like this one.

Magic Eye Holy Prayer Yo Mama Rug

Worst Mag­ic Eye Ever. If you look close­ly at his right eye, you can pret­ty much see the open one imme­di­ate­ly. And I can nev­er do Mag­ic Eye Puz­zles. Besides, Christ has the fur-cov­ered, chin­less, megacra­nial head of a hydro­cephal­ic.

Back of Rug

Yup. What­ev­er you say.

Where in Cleveland?

Where in Cleve­land are men’s cloth­ing stores? I need to buy some black pants before Wednes­day. I’m picky. I want flat front­ed, heav­ier-than-dress-pants mate­r­i­al, black pants. I was at Express­Men and Kohl’s the oth­er day [which is where I usu­al­ly shop for clothes] and they didn’t have any­thing even approx­i­mat­ing what I want­ed. I real­ized I should try to buy clothes from local folks. Unfor­tu­nate­ly, still being a rel­a­tive­ly new Cleve­lander, I have no frick­ing clue what local cloth­ing stores exist, where they are and what their price ranges are. Help!

Swenson’s Drive-In

I had lunch at Swenson’s Dri­ve-In in Sev­en Hills. It was unlike Kunkel’s Dri­ve-in in Con­nersville, they didn’t have the old box­es to call inside, instead you turn on your lights. The carhops run to and from the vehi­cles, I imag­ine they stay in good shape doing this. One of the carhops looked like she was prob­a­bly a com­pet­i­tive run­ner. I got burg­ers. Part of my quest to find a decent ham­burg­er in Cleve­land.
Con­tin­ue read­ing “Swenson’s Dri­ve-In”

Resolution

My buddy’s band [the one I was briefly a part of] had its last show last night at the Rain Night­club. A good crowd showed up, and Greyson and Patrick debuted some new music and pro­vid­ed an enter­tain­ing an intent show. They played all my old favorites too. Sur­prise of sur­pris­es, I even ran into an old col­lege friend.