I hope to the Almighty Dog that my buddy from col­lege who is from Philadel­phia never reads this. I’ve been eat­ing pretty health­ily lately [apart from eat­ing a whole box of Donut Sticks on Mon­day], so today I pur­chased the Pierre™ Philly Style Cheeses­teak Beef Steak Patty Sand­wich with Green Pep­pers, Onions and Cheese from that bas­tard of a vendy down­stairs.

This item cost $2.05, and weighs in at a not so plump 6.2 ounces. Full nutri­tion infor­ma­tion can be found here. But the main things to note are the 41% RDA of fat and the 33% RDS of sodium in this, er, “sand­wich.” The actual item looks noth­ing like the pic­ture or the pack­age. Instead, it resem­bles noth­ing so much as a large, steam­ing mag­got. There was lit­tle sign indi­cat­ing any onion or green pep­per was present and I think the cheese is actu­ally par­tially digested infant for­mula. At least, it looks like what junior is liable to belch up after chug­ging on a bot­tle for an hour or two. The meat itself was the low­est qual­ity pos­si­ble. Think Sal­is­bury steak with sui­ci­dal tendencies.

I fear that I am start­ing to acquire a taste for the Pierre Foods con­coc­tions. Per­haps I shall take a field trip down to Cincin­nati one day and visit their fine estab­lish­ment. My stom­ach hurts. I’m going to eat my actual lunch now. A brie and tomato sand­wich and a golden deli­cious apple.