Some weeks ago I had the Pierre™ Foods Pizza Par­lor Meat­ball Sub [$2.05USD 1.65€] from the vendy. I didn’t review it at the time because the expe­ri­ence was still so freshly trau­matic, so fraught, that it was the best I could do to lie in a pul­ing mewl­ing fetal posi­tion under my cubi­cle and moan at the slight­est men­tion of food.

Described as:

the Pierre™ Foods Pizza Par­lor Meat­ball Sub seems benign enough. After all, the meat­ball sub has a long [if slightly dis­gust­ing] tra­di­tion in Amer­ica as a favorite accom­pa­ni­ment to guz­zling beers and curs­ing at ath­letic events. This meat­ball sub shows the ter­ri­ble con­se­quences of this hedo­nis­tic lifestyle. We man­age to kill lots of things with pop­u­lar­ity, but now pop­u­lar­ity is try­ing to kill us, through the guise of meat­ball subbiness.

I prob­a­bly have no need to tell you this, but the Pierre™ Foods Pizza Par­lor Meat­ball Sub is really bad for you. The pizza sauce/​cheese mix­ture was loose in the bag and looked like flat­tened bloody turd. The meat­balls them­selves were also fecal-​evocative, but a bit more ursine. Say, grey month-​old con­sti­pated griz­zly shit.

The bun, how­ever, was dan­geously sen­sual. Its gen­tle curve, smooth tex­ture and wheaty color recalled the weeks I spent in Swe­den pho­tograph­ing the bot­toms of var­i­oius bikini mod­els and their inno­cent beach cavor­ta­tions. I wanted to both eat the bun and pre­serve its per­fec­tion for all of time. Even­tu­ally my phys­i­cal nature asserted itself over my oh-​so-​scholastic perusal and I heated up the sand­wich in the microwave for 70 seconds.

Then I ate it. All of it. Bad idea. It even tasted like bear shit, swedish bikini bun or not. It didn’t exactly make me sick, but my diges­tive sys­tem did go into low gear, my extrem­i­ties went numb as blood rushed to my stom­ach like snorkels to a 5 alarm blaze, I got really sleepy and I started to feel like shit of the bear variety.

In clos­ing, don’t eat the Pierre™ Foods Pizza Par­lor Meat­ball Sub. I prob­a­bly didn’t need to tell you that in the first place though.