Pierre™ Foods Pizza Parlor Meatball Sub

Some weeks ago I had the Pierre™ Foods Pizza Parlor Meatball Sub [$2.05USD 1.65€] from the vendy. I didn’t review it at the time because the experience was still so freshly traumatic, so fraught, that it was the best I could do to lie in a puling mewling fetal position under my cubicle and moan at the slightest mention of food.

Described as:

Hearty 7.00 oz. Italian favorite. Made with traditional Italian-style beef meatballs, covered with zesty pizza sauce and real mozzarella cheese

the Pierre™ Foods Pizza Parlor Meatball Sub seems benign enough. After all, the meatball sub has a long [if slightly disgusting] tradition in America as a favorite accompaniment to guzzling beers and cursing at athletic events. This meatball sub shows the terrible consequences of this hedonistic lifestyle. We manage to kill lots of things with popularity, but now popularity is trying to kill us, through the guise of meatball subbiness.

I probably have no need to tell you this, but the Pierre™ Foods Pizza Parlor Meatball Sub is really bad for you. The pizza sauce/cheese mixture was loose in the bag and looked like flattened bloody turd. The meatballs themselves were also fecal-evocative, but a bit more ursine. Say, grey month-old constipated grizzly shit.

The bun, however, was dangeously sensual. Its gentle curve, smooth texture and wheaty color recalled the weeks I spent in Sweden photographing the bottoms of varioius bikini models and their innocent beach cavortations. I wanted to both eat the bun and preserve its perfection for all of time. Eventually my physical nature asserted itself over my oh-so-scholastic perusal and I heated up the sandwich in the microwave for 70 seconds.

Then I ate it. All of it. Bad idea. It even tasted like bear shit, swedish bikini bun or not. It didn’t exactly make me sick, but my digestive system did go into low gear, my extremities went numb as blood rushed to my stomach like snorkels to a 5 alarm blaze, I got really sleepy and I started to feel like shit of the bear variety.

In closing, don’t eat the Pierre™ Foods Pizza Parlor Meatball Sub. I probably didn’t need to tell you that in the first place though.

3 thoughts on “Pierre™ Foods Pizza Parlor Meatball Sub

  1. Vending machines are evil! Those of us who love your blog wish you’d stop eating from them, so you can live a little longer.

  2. Should we all just sign up for the testing now, so when you need a new kidney/liver/spleen/etc. we’re ready to go to bat for you?

    I agree with Jerry. I look forward to reading your blog and it would really suck if you did yourself in eating that toxic waste.

  3. The only reason people come to this weblog is in order to see what hellish thing I’ve eaten lately. I’m going to eat a bicycle next week.

Comments are closed.