Pierre Foods™ Fast Choice® Double Beef Stacker with Cheese

Since I have ap­par­ent­ly cre­at­ed some ex­pec­ta­tions among you far­thur­dlers re­gard­ing my gus­ta­to­ry fetish­es, I went down to the dun­geon for round n with the vendy. I picked up Pierre Foods™ Fast Choice® Double Beef Stacker with Cheese, one of the orig­i­nal items in the vendy that has re­cent­ly made a come­back. I’m quite sure I’ve an­gered the burg­er deities by buy­ing a $1.65 dou­ble deck­er ham­burg­er out of a vend­ing ma­chine. I’m prob­a­bly banned from Stevenson’s. In any case, I did it. Before I get to the burg­er though, I should tell you this:

I met the woman who stocks the vendy. She had just filled it up with con­coc­tions from her caul­dron. She was short and squat and pi­geon-toed with frizzy grey hair and slight­ly my­opic owl eyes. When I told her that I was go­ing to get some­thing out of the ma­chine, she watched me make my de­ci­sion. It was ob­vi­ous that she took great pride in the qual­i­ty of prod­uct she stocks that thing with. This week she added pud­ding. You can buy a 3 ounce con­tain­er of pud­ding for a dol­lar! Big AZ Bubba Twins have re­turned as well. She said that she has, un­for­tu­nate­ly, had to throw lots out, be­cause, get this, no one has been buy­ing any­thing. Crikey la­dy, I won­der why. On the plus side, she did add a dol­lar coin dis­penser to the ma­chine, so next time I pay with a fiv­er, I won’t get $2.95 in change in nick­els.

The burg­er, of course, what shit as burg­ers go. As an item from the ma­chine, how­ev­er, I would def­i­nite­ly buy an­oth­er one. I am try­ing to fig­ure out how some­thing that is most­ly TVP could sup­ply me with 47% of my RDA in sat­u­rat­ed fat. It must have been the cheese, which, post-burg­er, is now be­ing cut quite of­ten. I’m quite sure that noth­ing in this sand­wich ac­tu­al­ly came from re­al plants or an­i­mals. It re­quired vir­tu­al­ly no mas­ti­ca­tion, which was good since the “cheese” dis­in­te­grat­ed my teeth up­on con­tact. So, ba­si­cal­ly, oth­er than the fact that it tast­ed like shit and is cur­rent­ly mount­ing a si­mul­ta­ne­ous breach at­tack on my stom­ach and colon, it wasn’t that bad.

Link of the day: Joe’s Worthless Baseball Card Collection

4 thoughts on “Pierre Foods™ Fast Choice® Double Beef Stacker with Cheese

  1. Actually, My friend and I re­fer to it as the “God-Burger”
    Seriously. That thing is awe­some. They have em at the College lounge. Unfortunately not enough. I think they’re awe­some for burg­ers from a vend­ing ma­chine. My Friend and I are con­stant­ly search­ing for a place to buy them from… in quan­ti­ties less than a mil­lion any­way.

  2. The break room at work has the Fast Choice Double Beef Stacker list­ed for $2.50 in the vend­ing ma­chine. BUT when you put your mon­ey in the ma­chine, it re­al­ly on­ly costs $1.50! HAHAHAHAHA…greasy, cheesy, vend­ing ma­chine good­ness AND I’m rip­ping them off for $1!

  3. This is among the most de­li­cious foods avail­able with­in this price range. It’s quick, it’s cheap, and it’s de­li­cious­ly un­healthy. Viva la burg­er!

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