Adam’s Rules of Interstate Driving Etiquette

CAVEAT: This post contains egregious amounts of cursing.

• When merging and you are in the yield lane, yield you motherfucker. And for chrissakes speed the fuck up on an on-​ramp. You should be going at least 60 by the time you reach the merge area on the interstate.

• When on the interstate and approaching a merge, move one lane to the left, if possible. This means that neither you nor the dumb motherfucker who wouldn’t know how to yield if his arms and legs were cut off by Graham Chapman have to slow down.

• If your car won’t go over 50mph, get the motherfuck off my interstate or I will beat you like a rented mule.

• If you are in the fast lane and a faster car comes up behind you, get the fuck over before they have to put on the brakes.

• If you can’t get the fuck over because there is an even slower motherfucker in the lane next to you, speed the fuck up so the motherfucker behind you doesn’t have to apply the brakes, and then get the fuck over as soon as possible.

• No matter how fast you’re fucking going, stay in the farthest right lane that you can, because there will be a faster motherfucker coming up behind you and you can avoid lots of hassle by staying in the slower lane where you belong.

• If you’re trying to be a motherfucking badass and merge your Haibatsu Gravity Well from the fast lane to an exit lane in less than a quarter of a mile without using your turn signal, don’t get all pissy when I don’t let your sorry ass cut me off. I will fuck you up, motherfucker.

• If someone uses their goddamn turn signal, let them the fuck in your lane, unless you’re in a traffic jam and they are one of those ignorant fucksticks who think they can drive all the way up to the exact spot where their lane ends and stick their dicks in your lane. Castrate those dumbfucks.

• When exiting, don’t slow down until you’re on the fucking exit ramp. That’s what they’re fucking for.

Man, I haven’t gone on a rant in forever. That felt good. Yes, I know the title is redundant.