Adam’s Rules of Interstate Driving Etiquette

CAVEAT: This post con­tains egre­gious amounts of cursing.

• When merg­ing and you are in the yield lane, yield you moth­er­fucker. And for chris­sakes speed the fuck up on an on-​ramp. You should be going at least 60 by the time you reach the merge area on the interstate.

• When on the inter­state and approach­ing a merge, move one lane to the left, if pos­si­ble. This means that nei­ther you nor the dumb moth­er­fucker who wouldn’t know how to yield if his arms and legs were cut off by Gra­ham Chap­man have to slow down.

• If your car won’t go over 50mph, get the moth­er­fuck off my inter­state or I will beat you like a rented mule.

• If you are in the fast lane and a faster car comes up behind you, get the fuck over before they have to put on the brakes.

• If you can’t get the fuck over because there is an even slower moth­er­fucker in the lane next to you, speed the fuck up so the moth­er­fucker behind you doesn’t have to apply the brakes, and then get the fuck over as soon as possible.

• No mat­ter how fast you’re fuck­ing going, stay in the far­thest right lane that you can, because there will be a faster moth­er­fucker com­ing up behind you and you can avoid lots of has­sle by stay­ing in the slower lane where you belong.

• If you’re try­ing to be a moth­er­fuck­ing badass and merge your Haibatsu Grav­ity Well from the fast lane to an exit lane in less than a quar­ter of a mile with­out using your turn sig­nal, don’t get all pissy when I don’t let your sorry ass cut me off. I will fuck you up, motherfucker.

• If some­one uses their god­damn turn sig­nal, let them the fuck in your lane, unless you’re in a traf­fic jam and they are one of those igno­rant fuck­sticks who think they can drive all the way up to the exact spot where their lane ends and stick their dicks in your lane. Cas­trate those dumbfucks.

• When exit­ing, don’t slow down until you’re on the fuck­ing exit ramp. That’s what they’re fuck­ing for.

Man, I haven’t gone on a rant in for­ever. That felt good. Yes, I know the title is redundant.

Comments on this post

  1. LunaticFringe

    HAHAHAHA! Good Lord that was funny :)

  2. peppermintlisa

    awe-​some. except if i’m going 60 by the time i reach the merge area, dum­b­asses won’t let me merge, so i have to yield and then when i get an in, my lit­tle engine that couldn’t has a damn hard time get­ting back up to 60.

    don’t for­get my favorite phrase: “nice blinker, asshole”

  3. SnogAsh

    Charm­ing post.

  4. andy

    I find that lis­ten­ing to smmooth jazz while dri­ving helps.

  5. Adam Harvey

    Helps with road rage? Smooth jazz would only make me angrier. But at least it wouldn’t be emo.

  6. andy

    You have to let the smooth jazz work. Embrace mother earth and have a rain­bow day.

  7. steveg

    Breathe. In then Out. Calm and tran­quil­ity IN, exas­per­a­tion and frus­tra­tion OUT. This is why I have a lit­tle Bud­dha image on my dash, a reminder to just breathe. Oh yeah, while let­ting the exaper­a­tion and frus­tra­tion out on the exhale, I have found a few f-​bombs accom­pa­nied by the uni­ver­sal sym­bol of num­ber one (shifted one spot toward the mid­dle of hand) seemed to accel­er­ate the jour­ney to my happy place.

  8. Adam Harvey

    True Wis­dom from an NYC Buddhist.

  9. jmay

    smooth jazz…screw that find some aggres­sive metal to lis­ten to. Use it as a release. Don’t bot­tle the emo­tions let them out with some nice aggres­sive angry music. Works for me.

  10. sisterhavana

    This is all too true! : )

  11. Brenda

    lmao.….this is GREAT.

  12. Vance

    For the idiot who likes to get within a fuck­ing INCH of your bumper before try­ing to pass…stop that shit! It pisses me off so much that I think I might want to slow down right before he passes just to fuck him up. I don’t give a shit if you’re from NYC or Louisiana, you’re not impress­ing me with that shit.
    Don’t fol­low too damn close either, I can’t express how much that makes me want to get in the left lane and and slow down to the same speed as the guy in the right lane so you can’t fuck­ing pass. You can’t draft that shit.
    When it’s dark and there’s hardly any­one else on the inter­state, turn those god­damn bright lights off and don’t fol­low me. This isn’t a fuck­ing con­voy, and that blinds me, and every­one else.

    By the way, with some exit ramps…if you exit at 60 you’re a dead moth­er­fucker. BAM! Right into the wall.

    Feels good man. I’m gonna lis­ten to slow of that sloooowww jazz and chill the fuck out.