Adam’s Rules of Interstate Driving Etiquette

CAVEAT: This post contains egregious amounts of cursing.

• When merging and you are in the yield lane, yield you motherfucker. And for chrissakes speed the fuck up on an on-ramp. You should be going at least 60 by the time you reach the merge area on the interstate.

• When on the interstate and approaching a merge, move one lane to the left, if possible. This means that neither you nor the dumb motherfucker who wouldn’t know how to yield if his arms and legs were cut off by Graham Chapman have to slow down.

• If your car won’t go over 50mph, get the motherfuck off my interstate or I will beat you like a rented mule.

• If you are in the fast lane and a faster car comes up behind you, get the fuck over before they have to put on the brakes.

• If you can’t get the fuck over because there is an even slower motherfucker in the lane next to you, speed the fuck up so the motherfucker behind you doesn’t have to apply the brakes, and then get the fuck over as soon as possible.

• No matter how fast you’re fucking going, stay in the farthest right lane that you can, because there will be a faster motherfucker coming up behind you and you can avoid lots of hassle by staying in the slower lane where you belong.

• If you’re trying to be a motherfucking badass and merge your Haibatsu Gravity Well from the fast lane to an exit lane in less than a quarter of a mile without using your turn signal, don’t get all pissy when I don’t let your sorry ass cut me off. I will fuck you up, motherfucker.

• If someone uses their goddamn turn signal, let them the fuck in your lane, unless you’re in a traffic jam and they are one of those ignorant fucksticks who think they can drive all the way up to the exact spot where their lane ends and stick their dicks in your lane. Castrate those dumbfucks.

• When exiting, don’t slow down until you’re on the fucking exit ramp. That’s what they’re fucking for.

Man, I haven’t gone on a rant in forever. That felt good. Yes, I know the title is redundant.

Comments and conversations on this post

  1. HAHAHAHA! Good Lord that was funny 🙂

  2. Charming post.

  3. awe-some. except if i’m going 60 by the time i reach the merge area, dumbasses won’t let me merge, so i have to yield and then when i get an in, my little engine that couldn’t has a damn hard time getting back up to 60.

    don’t forget my favorite phrase: “nice blinker, asshole”

  4. I find that listening to smmooth jazz while driving helps.

  5. Helps with road rage? Smooth jazz would only make me angrier. But at least it wouldn’t be emo.

  6. You have to let the smooth jazz work. Embrace mother earth and have a rainbow day.

  7. Breathe. In then Out. Calm and tranquility IN, exasperation and frustration OUT. This is why I have a little Buddha image on my dash, a reminder to just breathe. Oh yeah, while letting the exaperation and frustration out on the exhale, I have found a few f-bombs accompanied by the universal symbol of number one (shifted one spot toward the middle of hand) seemed to accelerate the journey to my happy place.

  8. True Wisdom from an NYC Buddhist.

  9. smooth jazz…screw that find some aggressive metal to listen to. Use it as a release. Don’t bottle the emotions let them out with some nice aggressive angry music. Works for me.

  10. This is all too true! : )

  11. lmao…..this is GREAT.

  12. For the idiot who likes to get within a fucking INCH of your bumper before trying to pass…stop that shit! It pisses me off so much that I think I might want to slow down right before he passes just to fuck him up. I don’t give a shit if you’re from NYC or Louisiana, you’re not impressing me with that shit.
    Don’t follow too damn close either, I can’t express how much that makes me want to get in the left lane and and slow down to the same speed as the guy in the right lane so you can’t fucking pass. You can’t draft that shit.
    When it’s dark and there’s hardly anyone else on the interstate, turn those goddamn bright lights off and don’t follow me. This isn’t a fucking convoy, and that blinds me, and everyone else.

    By the way, with some exit ramps…if you exit at 60 you’re a dead motherfucker. BAM! Right into the wall.

    Feels good man. I’m gonna listen to slow of that sloooowww jazz and chill the fuck out.

  13. Enjoyed the read after driving 380 miles to DC. Right lane was clear >50% of the trip North. Too many yahoos poking in the left lane. America needs stricter enforcement …Germans cracked the code with their Autobahns.