Adam’s Rules of Interstate Driving Etiquette

CAVEAT: This post con­tains egre­gious amounts of curs­ing.

• When merg­ing and you are in the yield lane, yield you moth­er­fucker. And for chris­sakes speed the fuck up on an on-ramp. You should be go­ing at least 60 by the time you reach the merge area on the in­ter­state.

• When on the in­ter­state and ap­proach­ing a merge, move one lane to the left, if pos­si­ble. This means that nei­ther you nor the dumb moth­er­fucker who wouldn’t know how to yield if his arms and legs were cut off by Graham Chapman have to slow down.

• If your car won’t go over 50mph, get the moth­er­fuck off my in­ter­state or I will beat you like a rented mule.

• If you are in the fast lane and a faster car comes up be­hind you, get the fuck over be­fore they have to put on the brakes.

• If you can’t get the fuck over be­cause there is an even slower moth­er­fucker in the lane next to you, speed the fuck up so the moth­er­fucker be­hind you doesn’t have to ap­ply the brakes, and then get the fuck over as soon as pos­si­ble.

• No mat­ter how fast you’re fuck­ing go­ing, stay in the far­thest right lane that you can, be­cause there will be a faster moth­er­fucker com­ing up be­hind you and you can avoid lots of has­sle by stay­ing in the slower lane where you be­long.

• If you’re try­ing to be a moth­er­fuck­ing badass and merge your Haibatsu Gravity Well from the fast lane to an exit lane in less than a quar­ter of a mile with­out us­ing your turn sig­nal, don’t get all pissy when I don’t let your sorry ass cut me off. I will fuck you up, moth­er­fucker.

• If some­one uses their god­damn turn sig­nal, let them the fuck in your lane, un­less you’re in a traf­fic jam and they are one of those ig­no­rant fuck­sticks who think they can drive all the way up to the ex­act spot where their lane ends and stick their dicks in your lane. Castrate those dumb­fucks.

• When ex­it­ing, don’t slow down un­til you’re on the fuck­ing exit ramp. That’s what they’re fuck­ing for.

Man, I haven’t gone on a rant in forever. That felt good. Yes, I know the ti­tle is re­dun­dant.

13 thoughts on “Adam’s Rules of Interstate Driving Etiquette

  1. awe-some. ex­cept if i’m go­ing 60 by the time i reach the merge area, dum­b­asses won’t let me merge, so i have to yield and then when i get an in, my lit­tle en­gine that couldn’t has a damn hard time get­ting back up to 60

    don’t for­get my fa­vorite phrase: “nice blinker, ass­hole”

  2. Breathe. In then Out. Calm and tran­quil­ity IN, ex­as­per­a­tion and frus­tra­tion OUT. This is why I have a lit­tle Buddha im­age on my dash, a re­minder to just breathe. Oh yeah, while let­ting the exaper­a­tion and frus­tra­tion out on the ex­hale, I have found a few f-bombs ac­com­pa­nied by the uni­ver­sal sym­bol of num­ber one (shifted one spot to­ward the mid­dle of hand) seemed to ac­cel­er­ate the jour­ney to my happy place.

  3. smooth jazz…screw that find some ag­gres­sive metal to lis­ten to. Use it as a re­lease. Don’t bot­tle the emo­tions let them out with some nice ag­gres­sive an­gry mu­sic. Works for me.

  4. For the id­iot who likes to get within a fuck­ing INCH of your bumper be­fore try­ing to pass…stop that shit! It pisses me off so much that I think I might want to slow down right be­fore he passes just to fuck him up. I don’t give a shit if you’re from NYC or Louisiana, you’re not im­press­ing me with that shit.
    Don’t fol­low too damn close ei­ther, I can’t ex­press how much that makes me want to get in the left lane and and slow down to the same speed as the guy in the right lane so you can’t fuck­ing pass. You can’t draft that shit.
    When it’s dark and there’s hardly any­one else on the in­ter­state, turn those god­damn bright lights off and don’t fol­low me. This isn’t a fuck­ing con­voy, and that blinds me, and every­one else.

    By the way, with some exit ramps…if you exit at 60 you’re a dead moth­er­fucker. BAM! Right into the wall.

    Feels good man. I’m gonna lis­ten to slow of that sloooowww jazz and chill the fuck out.

  5. Enjoyed the read af­ter dri­ving 380 miles to DC. Right lane was clear >50% of the trip North. Too many ya­hoos pok­ing in the left lane. America needs stricter en­force­ment …Germans cracked the code with their Autobahns.

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