The city is tired
and the people are watching
tired
of watching the city’s
collision
bend sinister,
with the same sorrow
and the same song
and the same
sometimes.
We, the city,
harrowed,
the valiant
hence.
Kookaburras
watch
and
laugh
and
wonder
why nothing
happens.
Why time is laconic;
abrupt.
Performance note: Wear “who the fuck is tremont?” shirt if reading.
This needs to go somewhere else, but right now I don’t know where to take it and maintain its sparseness.
v.2
The city is tired
and the people are watching
tired
of watching the city’s
collision
bend sinister.
The streets roll over in their sleep.
Where are the valiant
on the ten o’clock news?
Who still wonders
why time is laconic;
abrupt
Still not right, but better.
I’m never one to not throw about an opinion about someone else’s poetry. So here it is:
This is a really good poem. But the Kookaburras (symbolic of nature (organic/mechanic?) don’t seem to fit. Maybe they’re sort of left hanging — no elaboration, that that particualr section carries less imagery than the others and is therefore not coming across as strongly.
And keep in mind you can always tell me to shut the fuck up. I might even listen.
Dudeman, I’m a workshopping whore. The more opinions I get the better. I’m stubborn enough to ignore them all if I think I should.
I think the Kookaburras are bad because they too obviously act as a symbol for something and that is lame.
God…I had the same thought concerning the Kookaburras as PTB. How did we spend three years tearing apart people’s writing from opposite corners to end up all peaceful and lovey dovey?
Anyway, I think you’re right that this poem needs to go somewhere else. Maybe sit on it for a bit or write a few sentences elucidating what you’d like it to say before working it out within the poem.
Good work.