Now that the infant sub­ject is mobile, I’ve been able to engage it in the sec­ond round of my Infant Exper­i­men­ta­tion Project. I was assisted in these exper­i­ments by the infant’s mater­nal unit.

WARNING

You are likely to find the fol­low­ing record­ings quite boring.

Time Trial Mark 1

Sum­mary

In which I attempt to gain empir­i­cal data regard­ing the subject’s aes­thetic pref­er­ences and gauge its innate toy value cost/​benefit ratio analy­sis abil­ity. A slight infant mal­func­tion at the end of the video stopped this exper­i­ment prematurely.

Data

Results

Sub­ject shows inabil­ity to rec­og­nize that it is being exper­i­mented upon. Subject’s aes­thetic devel­op­ment extends only to taste and tex­ture. Sub­ject has a tummy ache.

Time Trial Mark 2

Sum­mary

Another iter­a­tion of the exper­i­ment, this time using food as the moti­va­tor, rather than toys. Sub­ject given trail of food to fol­low with lit­tle to no dis­trac­tion and pater­nal encour­age­ment. An eas­ier ver­sion of the pre­vi­ous experiment.

Data

Results

Sub­ject is not quite as smart as a dog.

Agility Drill

Sum­mary

This exper­i­ment charts the subject’s poise, bal­ance, agility and fast-​twitch mus­cle capa­bil­ity using a state-​of-​the-​art spring-​loaded restraint that was cus­tomized from a sex swing that shrank in the wash. Remem­ber to only pur­chase items made from pre-​shrunk cotton.

Data

Results

Sub­ject con­tin­ues to exhibit no knowl­edge that it is being exper­i­mented on. Sub­ject also shows no signs of poise, bal­ance, agility or fast-​twitch mus­cle capa­bil­ity. Sub­ject does, how­ever, appear to be hav­ing a good time.