Infant Experimentation Project

Now that the infant subject is mobile, I’ve been able to engage it in the second round of my Infant Experimentation Project. I was assisted in these experiments by the infant’s maternal unit.

WARNING

You are likely to find the following recordings quite boring.

Time Trial Mark 1

Summary

In which I attempt to gain empirical data regarding the subject’s aesthetic preferences and gauge its innate toy value cost/​benefit ratio analysis ability. A slight infant malfunction at the end of the video stopped this experiment prematurely.

Data

Results

Subject shows inability to recognize that it is being experimented upon. Subject’s aesthetic development extends only to taste and texture. Subject has a tummy ache.

Time Trial Mark 2

Summary

Another iteration of the experiment, this time using food as the motivator, rather than toys. Subject given trail of food to follow with little to no distraction and paternal encouragement. An easier version of the previous experiment.

Data

Results

Subject is not quite as smart as a dog.

Agility Drill

Summary

This experiment charts the subject’s poise, balance, agility and fast-​twitch muscle capability using a state-​of-​the-​art spring-​loaded restraint that was customized from a sex swing that shrank in the wash. Remember to only purchase items made from pre-​shrunk cotton.

Data

Results

Subject continues to exhibit no knowledge that it is being experimented on. Subject also shows no signs of poise, balance, agility or fast-​twitch muscle capability. Subject does, however, appear to be having a good time.