Wednesday, 26 October 2005

Pellegrino Foods Heat and Eat Pepperoni Pizza Flavor Pepperoni Balls are made by Pellegrino Foods from Warren, PA. The only thing I can find out about this com­pany is this an­ti­defama­tion ap­peal [pdf]. In any case this item con­sists of two din­ner rolls in­jected with some­thing ap­prox­i­mat­ing pizza gunk. Ingredients in­clude: Potassium Bromate, Thiamine Mononitrate, Mozzarella Cheese Substitute, Sodium Aluminum Phosphate, Sodium Citrate, Sorbic Acid, Sodium Phosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Zinc Oxide, Cyanocobalamin, Ferric Orthophosphate, Pyridoxine HCO, Calcium Caseinate, Tricalcium Phosphate, Disodium Phosphate, Trisodium Phosphate, Calcium Panothenate, Sodium Erythorbate and pa­prika. All in just 6oz and for $1.30.

It was also in­spected and passed by the U.S. Department of Agriculture EST 8575. Excuse me while I go die.

Pierre Foods™ Fast Choice® Double Beef Stacker with Cheese

Thursday, 29 September 2005

Since I have ap­par­ently cre­ated some ex­pec­ta­tions among you far­thur­dlers re­gard­ing my gus­ta­tory fetishes, I went down to the dun­geon for round n with the vendy. I picked up Pierre Foods™ Fast Choice® Double Beef Stacker with Cheese, one of the orig­i­nal items in the vendy that has re­cently made a come­back. I’m quite sure I’ve an­gered the burger deities by buy­ing a $1.65 dou­ble decker ham­burger out of a vend­ing ma­chine. I’m prob­a­bly banned from Stevenson’s. In any case, I did it. Before I get to the burger though, I should tell you this:

I met the woman who stocks the vendy. She had just filled it up with con­coc­tions from her caul­dron. She was short and squat and pi­geon-toed with frizzy grey hair and slightly my­opic owl eyes. When I told her that I was go­ing to get some­thing out of the ma­chine, she watched me make my de­ci­sion. It was ob­vi­ous that she took great pride in the qual­ity of pro­duct she stocks that thing with. This week she added pud­ding. You can buy a 3 ounce con­tainer of pud­ding for a dol­lar! Big AZ Bubba Twins have re­turned as well. She said that she has, un­for­tu­nately, had to throw lots out, be­cause, get this, no one has been buy­ing any­thing. Crikey lady, I won­der why. On the plus side, she did add a dol­lar coin dis­penser to the ma­chine, so next time I pay with a fiver, I won’t get $2.95 in change in nick­els.

The burger, of course, what shit as burg­ers go. As an item from the ma­chine, how­ever, I would def­i­nitely buy an­other one. I am try­ing to fig­ure out how some­thing that is mostly TVP could sup­ply me with 47% of my RDA in sat­u­rated fat. It must have been the cheese, which, post-burger, is now be­ing cut quite of­ten. I’m quite sure that noth­ing in this sand­wich ac­tu­ally came from real plants or an­i­mals. It re­quired vir­tu­ally no mas­ti­ca­tion, which was good since the “cheese” dis­in­te­grated my teeth upon con­tact. So, ba­si­cally, other than the fact that it tasted like shit and is cur­rently mount­ing a si­mul­ta­ne­ous breach at­tack on my stom­ach and colon, it wasn’t that bad.

Link of the day: Joe’s Worthless Baseball Card Collection

Landshire Supreme Gourmet All Beef Hot Dog

Thursday, 22 September 2005

Y’all thought I’d de­cided to stop eat­ing crap from the vendy didn’t you? Well, you were wrong. Today I spent a whop­ping $1.50 on the worst hot dog I’ve ever had. Even worse than Big AZ Bubba Twins, and that is say­ing some­thing. I’d an­other rel­a­tively in­of­fen­sive ex­pe­ri­ence with Landshire prod­ucts, and their record cur­rently stands at 011.

I would like to go on the record say­ing that no item pur­chased from a vend­ing ma­chine can be le­git­i­mately called “gourmet.” Similarly, there is no such thing as a “gourmet” hot dog. The Landshire Supreme Gourmet All Beef Hot Dog was also two days past its ex­pi­ra­tion date. Much like the Bubba Twins, it has a money-back guar­an­tee, al­though only a full re­fund, not dou­ble the money back. The pack­ag­ing en­cour­aged me to visit the Landshire web­site, but much of it hasn’t been up­dated since 2002. This leads me to be­lieve that most of their food must date from that time as well. This hot dog was 3.5 ounces and cooks in the mi­crowave for ap­prox­i­mately one min­ute, or how­ever long it takes for the plas­tic wrap­ping to melt into the sesame seed bun. The bun it­self was about as tough and leath­ery as a smoker’s lung and the beef in the hot dog prob­a­bly came from a lock­jawed guinea pig. I didn’t find any ac­tual in­for­ma­tion on this item on the Landshire site, but I did find this pic­ture of a man shov­el­ing shit into his own mouth, which seemed ap­pro­pri­ate for both their site and my be­hav­ior.


The hot dog’s nu­tri­tional con­tent wasn’t that bad, a mere 14g of fat and 560mg of sodium. I’m glad I had a bowl of Kashi this morn­ing. I heartily rec­om­mend that none of you folks read­ing this at­tempt to ever eat any­thing out of a re­frig­er­ated vend­ing ma­chine.

Pierre Foods Fast Choice® Pizza Charbroil with Cheese

Friday, 29 July 2005

The vendy is al­most empty this Friday. Someone, other than me, has been eat­ing stuff from it. I hy­poth­e­size that the folks work­ing all night on the 4th floor are to blame. All that was left in the ma­chine were things I’d al­ready eaten [Muffin, Chicken Salad, Pickle] ex­cept for a chimichanga and what I ended up choos­ing to­day, Pierre Foods Fast Choice® Pizza Charbroil with Cheese.
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Pierre™ Philly Style Cheesesteak Beef Steak Patty Sandwich with Green Peppers, Onions and Cheese

Wednesday, 20 July 2005

I hope to the Almighty Dog that my buddy from col­lege who is from Philadelphia never reads this. I’ve been eat­ing pretty health­ily lately [apart from eat­ing a whole box of Donut Sticks on Monday], so to­day I pur­chased the Pierre™ Philly Style Cheesesteak Beef Steak Patty Sandwich with Green Peppers, Onions and Cheese from that bas­tard of a vendy down­stairs.
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