Wednesday, 26 October 2005

Pellegrino Foods Heat and Eat Pepperoni Pizza Flavor Pepperoni Balls are made by Pellegrino Foods from Warren, PA. The on­ly thing I can find out about this com­pa­ny is this an­ti­defama­tion ap­peal [pdf]. In any case this item con­sists of two din­ner rolls in­ject­ed with some­thing ap­prox­i­mat­ing piz­za gunk. Ingredients in­clude: Potassium Bromate, Thiamine Mononitrate, Mozzarella Cheese Substitute, Sodium Aluminum Phosphate, Sodium Citrate, Sorbic Acid, Sodium Phosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Zinc Oxide, Cyanocobalamin, Ferric Orthophosphate, Pyridoxine HCO, Calcium Caseinate, Tricalcium Phosphate, Disodium Phosphate, Trisodium Phosphate, Calcium Panothenate, Sodium Erythorbate and pa­pri­ka. All in just 6oz and for $1.30.

It was al­so in­spect­ed and passed by the U.S. Department of Agriculture EST 8575. Excuse me while I go die.

Pierre Foods™ Fast Choice® Double Beef Stacker with Cheese

Thursday, 29 September 2005

Since I have ap­par­ent­ly cre­at­ed some ex­pec­ta­tions among you far­thur­dlers re­gard­ing my gus­ta­to­ry fetish­es, I went down to the dun­geon for round n with the vendy. I picked up Pierre Foods™ Fast Choice® Double Beef Stacker with Cheese, one of the orig­i­nal items in the vendy that has re­cent­ly made a come­back. I’m quite sure I’ve an­gered the burg­er deities by buy­ing a $1.65 dou­ble deck­er ham­burg­er out of a vend­ing ma­chine. I’m prob­a­bly banned from Stevenson’s. In any case, I did it. Before I get to the burg­er though, I should tell you this:

I met the woman who stocks the vendy. She had just filled it up with con­coc­tions from her caul­dron. She was short and squat and pi­geon-toed with frizzy grey hair and slight­ly my­opic owl eyes. When I told her that I was go­ing to get some­thing out of the ma­chine, she watched me make my de­ci­sion. It was ob­vi­ous that she took great pride in the qual­i­ty of prod­uct she stocks that thing with. This week she added pud­ding. You can buy a 3 ounce con­tain­er of pud­ding for a dol­lar! Big AZ Bubba Twins have re­turned as well. She said that she has, un­for­tu­nate­ly, had to throw lots out, be­cause, get this, no one has been buy­ing any­thing. Crikey la­dy, I won­der why. On the plus side, she did add a dol­lar coin dis­penser to the ma­chine, so next time I pay with a fiv­er, I won’t get $2.95 in change in nick­els.

The burg­er, of course, what shit as burg­ers go. As an item from the ma­chine, how­ev­er, I would def­i­nite­ly buy an­oth­er one. I am try­ing to fig­ure out how some­thing that is most­ly TVP could sup­ply me with 47% of my RDA in sat­u­rat­ed fat. It must have been the cheese, which, post-burg­er, is now be­ing cut quite of­ten. I’m quite sure that noth­ing in this sand­wich ac­tu­al­ly came from re­al plants or an­i­mals. It re­quired vir­tu­al­ly no mas­ti­ca­tion, which was good since the “cheese” dis­in­te­grat­ed my teeth up­on con­tact. So, ba­si­cal­ly, oth­er than the fact that it tast­ed like shit and is cur­rent­ly mount­ing a si­mul­ta­ne­ous breach at­tack on my stom­ach and colon, it wasn’t that bad.

Link of the day: Joe’s Worthless Baseball Card Collection

Landshire Supreme Gourmet All Beef Hot Dog

Thursday, 22 September 2005

Y’all thought I’d de­cid­ed to stop eat­ing crap from the vendy didn’t you? Well, you were wrong. Today I spent a whop­ping $1.50 on the worst hot dog I’ve ever had. Even worse than Big AZ Bubba Twins, and that is say­ing some­thing. I’d an­oth­er rel­a­tive­ly in­of­fen­sive ex­pe­ri­ence with Landshire prod­ucts, and their record cur­rent­ly stands at 011.

I would like to go on the record say­ing that no item pur­chased from a vend­ing ma­chine can be le­git­i­mate­ly called “gourmet.” Similarly, there is no such thing as a “gourmet” hot dog. The Landshire Supreme Gourmet All Beef Hot Dog was al­so two days past its ex­pi­ra­tion date. Much like the Bubba Twins, it has a mon­ey-back guar­an­tee, al­though on­ly a full re­fund, not dou­ble the mon­ey back. The pack­ag­ing en­cour­aged me to vis­it the Landshire web­site, but much of it hasn’t been up­dat­ed since 2002. This leads me to be­lieve that most of their food must date from that time as well. This hot dog was 3.5 ounces and cooks in the mi­crowave for ap­prox­i­mate­ly one minute, or how­ev­er long it takes for the plas­tic wrap­ping to melt in­to the sesame seed bun. The bun it­self was about as tough and leath­ery as a smoker’s lung and the beef in the hot dog prob­a­bly came from a lock­jawed guinea pig. I didn’t find any ac­tu­al in­for­ma­tion on this item on the Landshire site, but I did find this pic­ture of a man shov­el­ing shit in­to his own mouth, which seemed ap­pro­pri­ate for both their site and my be­hav­ior.


The hot dog’s nu­tri­tion­al con­tent wasn’t that bad, a mere 14g of fat and 560mg of sodi­um. I’m glad I had a bowl of Kashi this morn­ing. I hearti­ly rec­om­mend that none of you folks read­ing this at­tempt to ever eat any­thing out of a re­frig­er­at­ed vend­ing ma­chine.

Pierre Foods Fast Choice® Pizza Charbroil with Cheese

Friday, 29 July 2005

The vendy is al­most emp­ty this Friday. Someone, oth­er than me, has been eat­ing stuff from it. I hy­poth­e­size that the folks work­ing all night on the 4th floor are to blame. All that was left in the ma­chine were things I’d al­ready eat­en [Muffin, Chicken Salad, Pickle] ex­cept for a chimichanga and what I end­ed up choos­ing to­day, Pierre Foods Fast Choice® Pizza Charbroil with Cheese.
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Pierre™ Philly Style Cheesesteak Beef Steak Patty Sandwich with Green Peppers, Onions and Cheese

Wednesday, 20 July 2005

I hope to the Almighty Dog that my bud­dy from col­lege who is from Philadelphia nev­er reads this. I’ve been eat­ing pret­ty health­ily late­ly [apart from eat­ing a whole box of Donut Sticks on Monday], so to­day I pur­chased the Pierre™ Philly Style Cheesesteak Beef Steak Patty Sandwich with Green Peppers, Onions and Cheese from that bas­tard of a vendy down­stairs.
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