Pellegrino Foods Heat and Eat Pepperoni Pizza Flavor Pepperoni Balls

Pel­le­gri­no Foods Heat and Eat Pep­per­oni Piz­za Fla­vor Pep­per­oni Balls are made by Pel­le­gri­no Foods from War­ren, PA. The only thing I can find out about this com­pa­ny is this anti­defama­tion appeal [pdf]. In any case this item con­sists of two din­ner rolls inject­ed with some­thing approx­i­mat­ing piz­za gunk. Ingre­di­ents include: Potas­si­um Bro­mate, Thi­amine Monon­i­trate, Moz­zarel­la Cheese Sub­sti­tute, Sodi­um Alu­minum Phos­phate, Sodi­um Cit­rate, Sor­bic Acid, Sodi­um Phos­phate, Mag­ne­sium Oxide, Zinc Oxide, Cyanocobal­amin, Fer­ric Orthophos­phate, Pyri­dox­ine HCO, Cal­ci­um Caseinate, Tri­cal­ci­um Phos­phate, Dis­odi­um Phos­phate, Trisodi­um Phos­phate, Cal­ci­um Pan­oth­en­ate, Sodi­um Ery­thor­bate and papri­ka. All in just 6oz and for $1.30.

It was also inspect­ed and passed by the U.S. Depart­ment of Agri­cul­ture EST 8575. Excuse me while I go die.

Pierre Foods™ Fast Choice® Double Beef Stacker with Cheese

Since I have appar­ent­ly cre­at­ed some expec­ta­tions among you far­thur­dlers regard­ing my gus­ta­to­ry fetish­es, I went down to the dun­geon for round n with the vendy. I picked up Pierre Foods™ Fast Choice® Dou­ble Beef Stack­er with Cheese, one of the orig­i­nal items in the vendy that has recent­ly made a come­back. I’m quite sure I’ve angered the burg­er deities by buy­ing a $1.65 dou­ble deck­er ham­burg­er out of a vend­ing machine. I’m prob­a­bly banned from Stevenson’s. In any case, I did it. Before I get to the burg­er though, I should tell you this:

I met the woman who stocks the vendy. She had just filled it up with con­coc­tions from her caul­dron. She was short and squat and pigeon-toed with frizzy grey hair and slight­ly myopic owl eyes. When I told her that I was going to get some­thing out of the machine, she watched me make my deci­sion. It was obvi­ous that she took great pride in the qual­i­ty of prod­uct she stocks that thing with. This week she added pud­ding. You can buy a 3 ounce con­tain­er of pud­ding for a dol­lar! Big AZ Bub­ba Twins have returned as well. She said that she has, unfor­tu­nate­ly, had to throw lots out, because, get this, no one has been buy­ing any­thing. Crikey lady, I won­der why. On the plus side, she did add a dol­lar coin dis­penser to the machine, so next time I pay with a fiv­er, I won’t get $2.95 in change in nick­els.

The burg­er, of course, what shit as burg­ers go. As an item from the machine, how­ev­er, I would def­i­nite­ly buy anoth­er one. I am try­ing to fig­ure out how some­thing that is most­ly TVP could sup­ply me with 47% of my RDA in sat­u­rat­ed fat. It must have been the cheese, which, post-burg­er, is now being cut quite often. I’m quite sure that noth­ing in this sand­wich actu­al­ly came from real plants or ani­mals. It required vir­tu­al­ly no mas­ti­ca­tion, which was good since the “cheese” dis­in­te­grat­ed my teeth upon con­tact. So, basi­cal­ly, oth­er than the fact that it tast­ed like shit and is cur­rent­ly mount­ing a simul­ta­ne­ous breach attack on my stom­ach and colon, it wasn’t that bad.

Link of the day: Joe’s Worth­less Base­ball Card Col­lec­tion

Landshire Supreme Gourmet All Beef Hot Dog

Y’all thought I’d decid­ed to stop eat­ing crap from the vendy didn’t you? Well, you were wrong. Today I spent a whop­ping $1.50 on the worst hot dog I’ve ever had. Even worse than Big AZ Bub­ba Twins, and that is say­ing some­thing. I’d anoth­er rel­a­tive­ly inof­fen­sive expe­ri­ence with Land­shire prod­ucts, and their record cur­rent­ly stands at 0–1-1.

I would like to go on the record say­ing that no item pur­chased from a vend­ing machine can be legit­i­mate­ly called “gourmet.” Sim­i­lar­ly, there is no such thing as a “gourmet” hot dog. The Land­shire Supreme Gourmet All Beef Hot Dog was also two days past its expi­ra­tion date. Much like the Bub­ba Twins, it has a mon­ey-back guar­an­tee, although only a full refund, not dou­ble the mon­ey back. The pack­ag­ing encour­aged me to vis­it the Land­shire web­site, but much of it hasn’t been updat­ed since 2002. This leads me to believe that most of their food must date from that time as well. This hot dog was 3.5 ounces and cooks in the microwave for approx­i­mate­ly one minute, or how­ev­er long it takes for the plas­tic wrap­ping to melt into the sesame seed bun. The bun itself was about as tough and leath­ery as a smoker’s lung and the beef in the hot dog prob­a­bly came from a lock­jawed guinea pig. I didn’t find any actu­al infor­ma­tion on this item on the Land­shire site, but I did find this pic­ture of a man shov­el­ing shit into his own mouth, which seemed appro­pri­ate for both their site and my behav­ior.

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The hot dog’s nutri­tion­al con­tent wasn’t that bad, a mere 14g of fat and 560mg of sodi­um. I’m glad I had a bowl of Kashi this morn­ing. I hearti­ly rec­om­mend that none of you folks read­ing this attempt to ever eat any­thing out of a refrig­er­at­ed vend­ing machine.

Pierre™ Foods Pizza Parlor Meatball Sub

Some weeks ago I had the Pierre™ Foods Piz­za Par­lor Meat­ball Sub [$2.05USD 1.65€] from the vendy. I didn’t review it at the time because the expe­ri­ence was still so fresh­ly trau­mat­ic, so fraught, that it was the best I could do to lie in a pul­ing mewl­ing fetal posi­tion under my cubi­cle and moan at the slight­est men­tion of food.
Con­tin­ue read­ing “Pierre™ Foods Piz­za Par­lor Meat­ball Sub”

Pierre Foods Fast Choice® Pizza Charbroil with Cheese

The vendy is almost emp­ty this Fri­day. Some­one, oth­er than me, has been eat­ing stuff from it. I hypoth­e­size that the folks work­ing all night on the 4th floor are to blame. All that was left in the machine were things I’d already eat­en [Muf­fin, Chick­en Sal­ad, Pick­le] except for a chimichanga and what I end­ed up choos­ing today, Pierre Foods Fast Choice® Piz­za Char­broil with Cheese.
Con­tin­ue read­ing “Pierre Foods Fast Choice® Piz­za Char­broil with Cheese”

Pierre Foods Fast Choice® BBQ Pork Rib Shaped with BBQ Sauce Sandwich

I shouldn’t have done it so soon, but I did. Today I pur­chased the Pierre Foods Fast Choice® BBQ Pork Rib Shaped with BBQ Sauce Sand­wich from the vend­ing machine. Bad idea. To say that my stom­ach is upset after eat­ing this would be like say­ing that Mike Tyson has an eat­ing dis­or­der.
Con­tin­ue read­ing “Pierre Foods Fast Choice® BBQ Pork Rib Shaped with BBQ Sauce Sand­wich”

Pierre™ Philly Style Cheesesteak Beef Steak Patty Sandwich with Green Peppers, Onions and Cheese

I hope to the Almighty Dog that my bud­dy from col­lege who is from Philadel­phia nev­er reads this. I’ve been eat­ing pret­ty health­ily late­ly [apart from eat­ing a whole box of Donut Sticks on Mon­day], so today I pur­chased the Pierre™ Philly Style Cheeses­teak Beef Steak Pat­ty Sand­wich with Green Pep­pers, Onions and Cheese from that bas­tard of a vendy down­stairs.
Con­tin­ue read­ing “Pierre™ Philly Style Cheeses­teak Beef Steak Pat­ty Sand­wich with Green Pep­pers, Onions and Cheese”