Archive for the ‘Idiocy’ Category

Brain Crumbs

I used to have a sideblog for one-offs, riffs and links, now that’s what Facebook is for. However, here are some things I picked up on, realized, or thought about over my trip to Indiana last week. The first thing is one I’ve always wondered about: Why is the Yellow Freight Company’s logo orange? I […]

Career Opportunities

This clip, gratuitous and exploitative as it is, is one fine piece of filmmaking; which is the main reason it is so deliberately gratuitous and exploitative. Note how the timing of the cuts and changes in shot framing ramp up the sexiness of the scene, and by proxy, its comedy. Also, take note that I, […]

Alternative Ways to Squeeze the Charmin

• Vise Grips. • Drop an anvil on it. • With your thighs. • Throw it into a black hole. • Raise its property taxes. • Trash compactor. • Using some fat guy’s man-breasts. • Using some hot chick’s woman-breasts. • Belly flopping on it. • With Dynamic Tension™.

Hazardous Waste Spill

Threes days gone down the by the road raging sybarisms and intactic redactions single-molar intransigent mendicant medication replicators, restate rewrithe intermedia necessitate interalia recalibrated the one washed wherewithal dancing on a ball entrancing seasonal spring reasonable thing this that there loafing in the wings of hanker hangar hanky-panky incorrectitude and a diet rich in amoral […]

Mean Note

In the tradition of Maddox and Found, I bring you this hybrid of both, which ended up on the windshield of my car this past Saturday at the WSM.

Interrogation Day

Every once in awhile I set aside a day for Organic/Mechanic readers to ask me any sort of question on any sort of topic and I will, to the best of my knowledge, answer said questions. One of those days is today. So ask away. Make ‘em hard or easy, personal, philosophical, whatever strikes your […]

Wrecking Crews

If I were in the following situations I would want the following entities as a part of my wrecking crew to get the job done. 1. Destroying a large meteor that is hurtling toward earth. • John Henry the Steeldriving Man • Buzz Aldrin • Psyduck Buzz flies us to the meteor, John Henry proceeds […]

Tactical Lameness

It seems my friends and I, though we don’t ever admit it, have contests to see who can be the lamest. We never say who wins because we don’t admit the contest exists. We all have different tactics.

Android

At the end of another long and apparently fruitless day doing what he did in the fleshpots, the last thing Andro wanted was another maintenance call. But it came anyway, a flashing light glaring into his eyes and a noisome chirrup nesting in his ears. “BLING BLING BLING!” “Fuck.” He put down his burrito, shot […]

Stunt Doubles

These folks look alike and it creeps me out. These photo comparisons aren’t the best, but they were the best I could do with a bit of googling.

A Tribute to Online Casino

I would like to take this time to recognize one of the most prolific contributors to Organic Mechanic. My friend and yours; Online Casino. Along with his friends Slots, Levitra, prescription drugs and Get Laid Tonite!; Online Casino has given me much to think about in his time visiting this site.

Chair; Anhydrous

Pull up a seat folks, randomness is the somethingerother du jour. There is actually some important info buried in this crap too. I’ve been thinking alot about moral relativity lately; and my faith. But not always at the same time. Further cogitations will likely arise.

Noose

The noose was put over my head and drawn firmly down until the knot pressed into my neck right above the collarbone. I croaked, “Hangman. Hangman! Hold on a little while.”

Business Hours

I have absolutely lost every last smidgen of patience when it comes to dealing with integral businesses and their business hours. Let me tell you about the title bureau. Pretend it is Andy Rooney speaking.

A Case for Suicide

Disclaimer: I am in no way, shape, form or manner planning, thinking about planning, planning of thinking about planning or attempting suicide. Quite a bit of time in my anthropological learning process was devoted to the study of suicide, this stems from that. Some bits and pieces also come as a result of my delvings […]

Sexual Mailbox

A loyal reader writes†: I’ve been reading Organic Mechanic for a long time but I’m disappointed that you don’t talk about sex more than you do. A man of your dashing good looks and roguish personality gets it on all the time, I am quite sure. Please tell us about your sex life. I want […]

Mock-a-Blog: Five Dollar Beer

Since no one has asked me to guest blog for them, despite my own willingness to whore out my prime location- URL with a view- virtual estate by letting others sully its sanctity with their infidel paws; I am going to mock a blog each day this week. Five Dollar Beer gets the first treatment. […]

Dastardly Dan

Today Organic Mechanic magazine brings you the first installment of the villainous side of our Heroes and Villains of the New Millennium Series. Previous interviews with Captain Spacepants and Sidekick Suck have now been linked to. Organic Mechanic: Dastardly Dan, that is an interesting name. How did you come up with Dastardly Dan? Dastardly Dan: […]

Sidekick Suck

Last week, Organic Mechanic began a new series which seeks to explore a variety of the fascinating and controversial figures of the 21st century. Our first interview was with the infamous and rarely-interviewed Captain Spacepants. Today we interview his partner-in-crime of 15 years, Sidekick Suck–master of suckage, controversial performance artist, and author of the phrase […]

Captain Spacepants

Today’s issue of Organic Mechanic magazine features a rare interview with one of the most fascinating and controversial figures in the early twenty-first century. A master of faux pas, feng shui, and the fox trot; the defender of all things tasteless: Captain Spacepants. OM: Captain Spacepants, I must say that it is an honor to […]

Agitprop

In my dream there are places and people. They all do things, mostly. Some do things in the wrong places, except that this is correct for the dream. A clown with a sword might chop some onions. I do not understand why the clown does this in a field chainlinked and barb wired, but I […]

Candy War

Atomic Fireballs at ground Zero Bar Three Musketeers from their Pay Day – Pynchon’s liquorice bazooka. The wind Krackels and Blow Pops a Starburst, Skittles away. Mars sits in the Milky Way and Snickers. [keep it goin’ folks]

Shrug

My life’s been generally boring recently. More or less nothing noteworthy going on worth mentioning, but pfft. I don’t care. Whatever. I’ve basically been doing nothing worth mentioning, but it’s not important. Current Mood: jejune entry generated by the Apathetic Online Journal Entry Generator.

6 Ways to Skin a Cat

The Direct Approach Kill Cat. Make incision from throat to rump. Peel. Corollary: That shirt looks very becoming on you, and if I were on you I’d be coming too.* The Indirect Approach Obtain kitten. Raise kitten into cat. Provide food, toys, veterinary assistance, attention, love. Wait until cat dies. Make incision from throat to […]

Some Things

Some Things: i’ve been wearing the same pair of pants for a week now. i’m tired of being forced to prioritize. in the last 24 hours i’ve folded 1,000 communiqu s. drudgery sucks. love is suicide. spicy sea nuggets = death.

Boxer Shorts

i ran out of clean boxer shorts this morning. so i decided it was time for me to do some laundry. its in the dryer right now. but having to go commando for the first morning of study days got me thinking. i’m pretty damn particular about my boxer shorts. they can’t be tight at […]

Jack the Giant-Killer

tell me the punchline. apathy reeks of unwashed socks. i complete my day by proxy whilst my thought go wassailing into calico dreams of hot chocolate campfires and blanketed readings of childhood classics. i wish i were Jack the Giant-Killer. Then I would have an invisible cloak, shoes of speed, an enchanted sword and the […]

Bushelbasketed

who loves the hidden sides of ourselves? if we give us a compliment on expressed activity why do we demur, or give backhanded gratitude? why then do we get blue when our bushelbasketed talents wither in obscurity? why is it so hard to express love and the things of consequence to each other? why do […]

22nd Anniversary of My Birth

22 years ago there was a full moon. today there is a full moon. 22 years a puling infant of unimaginable scrawniness began his orbital path back to his beginnings. today a cynical gangly flamboyantly secretive man continues running around in circles ‘cuz he’s used to it. 22 years ago no one had any idea […]

Incessant Ideology

specifically, i’m discussing the intricate dynamics of incessant ideology. booby traps and deadman’s curve. it can drive one mad weaving through the gnashing rhetorics of politicality. supposedly motivated by justice, that bedlam beldame, in truth reality my opinion she’s just in it for the sexy bare-chested blindness that gets her attention. are you picking up […]

Monkey Impression

when it comes to impersonating a Great Ape of the order Primates i am king. i can be a wonderful monkey. it helps that i gangle more than most people and have the emotional development of a juvenile lemur. i’ve got aggressive/excited Gorilla behavior down to a science. i’ve got my standard excited hopping around/pantomime […]

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… … … initializing data uplink … connected. begin data transfer transfer identified initializing random mundanity … .. … . ….. you ignoramuses! fetid swordswallowing hippie love concubines! I will scratch my inordinately sweaty armpit in defiance of your ineptitude. you sit here, reading this while squirrel molesting sycophants wearing leiderhosen stalk the nettle ridden […]

Rambling

the caustic wasps in their ignoble quest for intangible and immaterial whisperings. the unruly fury of a searcher with nothing to look for. simbelmyne and creatine and the smell of a rotten apple. led zeppelins raining down onto a raptured accomplice in the cosmic meandering. my spoon is too big. please forgive me i’m oh […]

Permanent Leftovers

as the klaxon did its thing, the bed erupted into a flurry of fur and feathers. i emerged into the blaring half morning from the confused ball and stumbled over to the off switch. in the following silence i examined myself to ensure that all my parts were intact and that my head was screwed […]

Doggerel

the running theme for this site has seemed to develop itself. at an average of about once a month i redesign. it must be due to boredom. because that is the only reason i can think of to do it. this time i have mostly just changed the look, but i have changed around the […]

Sanitarium?

5.31.02 EXT. NORTH QUAD 8:50am DAY if i were to go to a sanitarium and commit myself into their care for no reason except that i ‘felt like it’ would they take me? the only abnormality i would have would be my desire to commit myself to a sanitarium. i’m not crazy. but then again […]

April Fool 2002

no one saw it coming, but it hit like a mack truck anyway. dragging us along in its wake, deeper into, further up, farther back. forced to leave behind our headphones and lattes, some of us caught blinking away the sweat of sex, others snapped up in their prayers, a few even doing both at […]