I used to have a side­blog for one-​offs, riffs and links, now that’s what Face­book is for. How­ever, here are some things I picked up on, real­ized, or thought about over my trip to Indi­ana last week. The first thing is one I’ve always won­dered about: Why is the Yel­low Freight Company’s logo orange? I saw a big billboard […]

Even though I was beaten to the punch.

This clip, gra­tu­itous and exploita­tive as it is, is one fine piece of film­mak­ing; which is the main rea­son it is so delib­er­ately gra­tu­itous and exploita­tive. Note how the tim­ing of the cuts and changes in shot fram­ing ramp up the sex­i­ness of the scene, and by proxy, its com­edy. Also, take note that I, […]

• Vise Grips. • Drop an anvil on it. • With your thighs. • Throw it into a black hole. • Raise its prop­erty taxes. • Trash com­pactor. • Using some fat guy’s man-​breasts. • Using some hot chick’s woman-​breasts. • Belly flop­ping on it. • With Dynamic Tension™.

Threes days gone down the by the road rag­ing sybarisms and intac­tic redac­tions single-​molar intran­si­gent men­di­cant med­ica­tion repli­ca­tors, restate rewrithe inter­me­dia neces­si­tate inter­alia recal­i­brated the one washed where­withal danc­ing on a ball entranc­ing sea­sonal spring rea­son­able thing this that there loaf­ing in the wings of han­ker hangar hanky-​panky incor­rec­ti­tude and a diet rich in amoral fiber rich […]

In which Adam repro­duces for pos­ter­ity a Craigslist post he made.

In which Adam relates a new say­ing he heard today.

In the tra­di­tion of Mad­dox and Found, I bring you this hybrid of both, which ended up on the wind­shield of my car this past Sat­ur­day at the WSM.

Every once in awhile I set aside a day for Organic/​Mechanic read­ers to ask me any sort of ques­tion on any sort of topic and I will, to the best of my knowl­edge, answer said ques­tions. One of those days is today. So ask away. Make ‘em hard or easy, per­sonal, philo­soph­i­cal, what­ever strikes your fancy.

Sev­eral of my friends and acquain­tances have received the fol­low­ing in their respec­tive mail­boxes. I only wish I could get one sent to my address as well. Beware, past the jump is an exam­ple of what can hap­pen to reli­gion when it becomes infected by The Stu­pid™. Actu­ally, it is a scam, which should be obvi­ous to anyone […]

If I were in the fol­low­ing sit­u­a­tions I would want the fol­low­ing enti­ties as a part of my wreck­ing crew to get the job done. 1. Destroy­ing a large meteor that is hurtling toward earth. • John Henry the Steeldriv­ing Man • Buzz Aldrin • Psy­duck Buzz flies us to the meteor, John Henry pro­ceeds to bust it up with […]

It seems my friends and I, though we don’t ever admit it, have con­tests to see who can be the lamest. We never say who wins because we don’t admit the con­test exists. We all have dif­fer­ent tactics.

At the end of another long and appar­ently fruit­less day doing what he did in the flesh­pots, the last thing Andro wanted was another main­te­nance call. But it came any­way, a flash­ing light glar­ing into his eyes and a noi­some chirrup nest­ing in his ears. “BLING BLING BLING!“ “Fuck.“ He put down his bur­rito, shot down the […]

These folks look alike and it creeps me out. These photo com­par­isons aren’t the best, but they were the best I could do with a bit of googling.

I would like to take this time to rec­og­nize one of the most pro­lific con­trib­u­tors to Organic Mechanic. My friend and yours; Online Casino. Along with his friends Slots, Lev­i­tra, pre­scrip­tion drugs and Get Laid Tonite!; Online Casino has given me much to think about in his time vis­it­ing this site.

Pull up a seat folks, ran­dom­ness is the some­thingerother du jour. There is actu­ally some impor­tant info buried in this crap too. I’ve been think­ing alot about moral rel­a­tiv­ity lately; and my faith. But not always at the same time. Fur­ther cog­i­ta­tions will likely arise.

The noose was put over my head and drawn firmly down until the knot pressed into my neck right above the col­lar­bone. I croaked, “Hang­man. Hang­man! Hold on a little while.”

I have absolutely lost every last smidgen of patience when it comes to deal­ing with inte­gral busi­nesses and their busi­ness hours. Let me tell you about the title bureau. Pre­tend it is Andy Rooney speaking.

Dis­claimer: I am in no way, shape, form or man­ner plan­ning, think­ing about plan­ning, plan­ning of think­ing about plan­ning or attempt­ing sui­cide. Quite a bit of time in my anthro­po­log­i­cal learn­ing process was devoted to the study of sui­cide, this stems from that. Some bits and pieces also come as a result of my delv­ings into exis­ten­tial­ist philosophy. […]

A loyal reader writes†: I’ve been read­ing Organic Mechanic for a long time but I’m dis­ap­pointed that you don’t talk about sex more than you do. A man of your dash­ing good looks and rogu­ish per­son­al­ity gets it on all the time, I am quite sure. Please tell us about your sex life. I want to know every­thing. EVERYTHING. […]

Since no one has asked me to guest blog for them, despite my own will­ing­ness to whore out my prime loca­tion– URL with a view– vir­tual estate by let­ting oth­ers sully its sanc­tity with their infi­del paws; I am going to mock a blog each day this week. Five Dol­lar Beer gets the first treat­ment. Last night for […]

Today Organic Mechanic mag­a­zine brings you the first install­ment of the vil­lain­ous side of our Heroes and Vil­lains of the New Mil­len­nium Series. Pre­vi­ous inter­views with Cap­tain Spacepants and Side­kick Suck have now been linked to. Organic Mechanic: Das­tardly Dan, that is an inter­est­ing name. How did you come up with Das­tardly Dan? Das­tardly Dan: […]

Last week, Organic Mechanic began a new series which seeks to explore a vari­ety of the fas­ci­nat­ing and con­tro­ver­sial fig­ures of the 21^st cen­tury. Our first inter­view was with the infa­mous and rarely-​interviewed Cap­tain Spacepants. Today we inter­view his partner-​in-​crime of 15 years, Side­kick Suck – mas­ter of suck­age, con­tro­ver­sial per­for­mance artist, and author of the phrase “Suck it” which […]

Today’s issue of Organic Mechanic mag­a­zine fea­tures a rare inter­view with one of the most fas­ci­nat­ing and con­tro­ver­sial fig­ures in the early twenty-​first cen­tury. A mas­ter of faux pas, feng shui, and the fox trot; the defender of all things taste­less: Cap­tain Spacepants. OM: Cap­tain Spacepants, I must say that it is an honor to have the chance […]

In my dream there are places and peo­ple. They all do things, mostly. Some do things in the wrong places, except that this is cor­rect for the dream. A clown with a sword might chop some onions. I do not under­stand why the clown does this in a field chain­linked and barb wired, but I accept it. And when the […]

Atomic Fire­balls at ground Zero Bar Three Mus­ke­teers from their Pay Day — Pynchon’s liquorice bazooka. The wind Krack­els and Blow Pops a Star­burst, Skit­tles away. Mars sits in the Milky Way and Snick­ers. [keep it goin’ folks]

My life’s been gen­er­ally bor­ing recently. More or less noth­ing note­wor­thy going on worth men­tion­ing, but pfft. I don’t care. What­ever. I’ve basi­cally been doing noth­ing worth men­tion­ing, but it’s not impor­tant. Cur­rent Mood: jejune entry gen­er­ated by the Apa­thetic Online Jour­nal Entry Generator.

The Direct Approach Kill Cat. Make inci­sion from throat to rump. Peel. Corol­lary: That shirt looks very becom­ing on you, and if I were on you I’d be com­ing too.* The Indi­rect Approach Obtain kit­ten. Raise kit­ten into cat. Pro­vide food, toys, vet­eri­nary assis­tance, atten­tion, love. Wait until cat dies. Make inci­sion from throat to rump. Peel. Corol­lary: Let her make the […]

Some Things: i’ve been wear­ing the same pair of pants for a week now. i’m tired of being forced to pri­or­i­tize. in the last 24 hours i’ve folded 1,000 com­mu­niqu s. drudgery sucks. love is sui­cide. spicy sea nuggets = death.

i ran out of clean boxer shorts this morn­ing. so i decided it was time for me to do some laun­dry. its in the dryer right now. but hav­ing to go com­mando for the first morn­ing of study days got me think­ing. i’m pretty damn par­tic­u­lar about my boxer shorts. they can’t be tight at all, […]

tell me the punch­line. apa­thy reeks of unwashed socks. i com­plete my day by proxy whilst my thought go was­sail­ing into cal­ico dreams of hot choco­late camp­fires and blan­keted read­ings of child­hood clas­sics. i wish i were Jack the Giant-​Killer. Then I would have an invis­i­ble cloak, shoes of speed, an enchanted sword and the hand of the fairest […]

who loves the hid­den sides of our­selves? if we give us a com­pli­ment on expressed activ­ity why do we demur, or give back­handed grat­i­tude? why then do we get blue when our bushel­bas­keted tal­ents wither in obscu­rity? why is it so hard to express love and the things of con­se­quence to each other? why do we […]

22 years ago there was a full moon. today there is a full moon. 22 years a pul­ing infant of unimag­in­able scrawni­ness began his orbital path back to his begin­nings. today a cyn­i­cal gan­gly flam­boy­antly secre­tive man con­tin­ues run­ning around in cir­cles ‘cuz he’s used to it. 22 years ago no one had any idea i would be here. 22 years from then, i have […]

specif­i­cally, i’m dis­cussing the intri­cate dynam­ics of inces­sant ide­ol­ogy. booby traps and deadman’s curve. it can drive one mad weav­ing through the gnash­ing rhetorics of polit­i­cal­ity. sup­pos­edly moti­vated by jus­tice, that bed­lam bel­dame, in truth real­ity my opin­ion she’s just in it for the sexy bare-​chested blind­ness that gets her atten­tion. are you pick­ing up […]

when it comes to imper­son­at­ing a Great Ape of the order Pri­mates i am king. i can be a won­der­ful mon­key. it helps that i gan­gle more than most peo­ple and have the emo­tional devel­op­ment of a juve­nile lemur. i’ve got aggressive/​excited Gorilla behav­ior down to a sci­ence. i’ve got my stan­dard excited hop­ping around/​pantomime feces-​throwing ‘aaah aaah’ scream­ing mon­key and also […]

… … … ini­tial­iz­ing data uplink … con­nected. begin data trans­fer trans­fer iden­ti­fied ini­tial­iz­ing ran­dom mun­dan­ity … .. … . .…. you igno­ra­muses! fetid swordswal­low­ing hip­pie love con­cu­bines! I will scratch my inor­di­nately sweaty armpit in defi­ance of your inep­ti­tude. you sit here, read­ing this while squir­rel molest­ing syco­phants wear­ing lei­der­ho­sen stalk the net­tle rid­den dingleberried […]

the caus­tic wasps in their igno­ble quest for intan­gi­ble and imma­te­r­ial whis­per­ings. the unruly fury of a searcher with noth­ing to look for. sim­belmyne and cre­a­tine and the smell of a rot­ten apple. led zep­pelins rain­ing down onto a rap­tured accom­plice in the cos­mic mean­der­ing. my spoon is too big. please for­give me i’m oh so very repentant. […]

as the klaxon did its thing, the bed erupted into a flurry of fur and feath­ers. i emerged into the blar­ing half morn­ing from the con­fused ball and stum­bled over to the off switch. in the fol­low­ing silence i exam­ined myself to ensure that all my parts were intact and that my head was screwed on cor­rectly. a feather […]

the run­ning theme for this site has seemed to develop itself. at an aver­age of about once a month i redesign. it must be due to bore­dom. because that is the only rea­son i can think of to do it. this time i have mostly just changed the look, but i have changed around the link list exten­sively. each time, […]

5.31.02 EXT. NORTH QUAD 8:50am DAY if i were to go to a san­i­tar­ium and com­mit myself into their care for no rea­son except that i ‘felt like it’ would they take me? the only abnor­mal­ity i would have would be my desire to com­mit myself to a san­i­tar­ium. i’m not crazy. but then again what sane per­son puts […]

no one saw it com­ing, but it hit like a mack truck any­way. drag­ging us along in its wake, deeper into, fur­ther up, far­ther back. forced to leave behind our head­phones and lattes, some of us caught blink­ing away the sweat of sex, oth­ers snapped up in their prayers, a few even doing both at the same […]