Smober the Sock Gob­lin lives under your stairs
if your home doesn’t have them still he is there.
He’s clammy and dusty and a lit­tle bit mad
not angry — but crazy — and lit­tle bit bad.

When Smober the Sock Gob­lin comes out to eat
he crosses the floor with slap­ping bare feet.
He goes to the dryer and opens it wide
then stands on his tip­toes and peers deep inside.

Then Smober the Sock Gob­lin begins to drool
and gets a gleam in his eye that is ter­ri­bly cruel.
In he reaches and steals every left sock
and takes them all home to cook in his crock.

Smober the Sock Gob­lin stews them in oil
and dances a jig as he watches them boil.
When he is sure that they are quite done
He slops them out on a dryer lint bun.

He gives his sharp teeth a lit­tle black lick
He gulps down those socks quick quick quick.
That’s where the socks go — if you even care -
Smober the Sock Gob­lin eats half the pair!

In Castle-town at the salty docks
the pirate rats sit on the rocks
and peer about the piers in search
of a cer­tain long­shore­man known as Lurch.
Who has often been known to pro­vide
some cheese to these rats?on the side.
It is easy to find him, you?ll know him on sight
in every tav­ern he is ready to fight
only two gapped teeth are left in his face
his hair smells like sea­weed, his nose a dis­grace.
Most folks will tell you his mind ain?t all there
But if you men­tion it to Lurch he?s too dumb to care.

Yet when it comes to unload­ing a ship new to port
Lurch is the strongest, I have to report.
Crates full of spices and Indian teas,
bar­rels of whale oil straight from the seas,
bales of rich cloth and ingots of gold -
all man­ners of won­der from a ship?s hold.
Along the way some bits fall in his pock­ets
small rubies and sap­phires and golden lock­ets.
Many weeks later when those ships have gone
he?ll take his booty to a well-known pawn.
When he enters the shop his pock­ets are crammed;
by the time he leaves he?s been roy­ally scammed.

The greedy-eyed pawn­bro­ker has known Lurch for years
and this strange friend­ship is good for his career.
When the big oaf spreads his loot on the table
the pawn­bro­ker eyes it and starts with this fable
?These rubies are gar­nets, the sap­phires are glass
this locket, ain?t gold, ?tis noth­ing but brass!
I wish you?d done bet­ter By Gad and By Cor!
I?ll give you two dol­lars and not a cent more!?
Lurch pon­ders this in his pon­der­ous way
then takes the money and goes to the bay.
He uses one dol­lar to buy a cheap beer
after he drinks it he walks toward the pier.

With the last dol­lar he buys bits of cheese
and feeds the pirate rats — who are might­ily pleased.
For though Lurch might be short on good looks and morals
a bit slow in the head and with hands tough as coral
In Castle-town at the salty docks
he has his friends — the rats on the rocks.
They wait patiently as he unloads the ships
and wres­tles new cargo with grunts and strong grips.
The rats don?t judge him with con­tempt in their eyes
they just appre­ci­ate the cheese he sup­plies.
And so would you too if you were a rat -
though Lurch is an idiot, he?ll keep you quite fat!

In Castle-town in the grop­ing slums
where rats hope for food, for crumbs
there is a house, a hovel dark
of toad­stools and crum­ble­bark.
Lives in it a hag of ter­ror fame
Miz Grum­ble­wort is her fear­some name.
Her eyes are yel­low, her teeth are green
her warts are hairy and quite obscene
her cat is black and very cun­ning
the sight of it sends most folks run­ning.
For they know the story I?ll tell
when once Miz Grum­ble­wort was a girl named Nell?

Nell was young many years ago
she laughed at sun, she laughed at snow
her eyes were green and very bright
her hair was yel­low her teeth were white.
She had a kit­ten of pump­kin hue
with a ring on its tail and eyes of blue.
She would run and play with girls or boys
and was not shy about shar­ing toys.
Her favorite place was the candy store
with its sweet smells and painted door
and it was here one fate­ful day
that Nell came to eat and play.

The store­keep had a sur­prise this time
a candy toad from an exotic clime
Nell?s eyes lit up as the took the treat
eaten, it went straight to her feet
then the tin­gling left her toes
and she felt some­thing grow on the tip of her nose.
A tiny wart with one thin hair?
From a candy toad? This was not fair!
Nell tried oils and potions fine
then fire and even tur­pen­tine
despite all she did the wart grew and spread.
Nell became a witch to keep her­self fed.

The older and larger her hairy wart grew
The less Nell was the girl we once knew.
She turned to dark arts and grew quite thin
and became Miz Grum­ble­wort to kith and kin.
Her kit­ten became a cat black as sable
and now that we come to the end of this fable
of Castle-town and its grop­ing slums
where rats hope for food, for crumbs
Remem­ber next time when you try strange candy
make sure to keep a doc­tor handy
or you might end up with Grum­ble­worts curse
you could get warts or some­thing worse!