Klutzmael

I love the frozen tun­dra that is the cam­pus of the Uni­ver­si­ty of Notre Dame. Why did Cro-Magnon have to fol­low the game north? Couldn’t we have just been hap­py as fru­gi­vores? I am a trop­i­cal pri­mate dammit! I need 70 degrees and 80% humid­i­ty. If I lived in Fiji I could run around naked and be per­fect­ly com­fort­able (except for maybe the skeeters). But NO! I am forced to wear an abun­dance of ani­mal fur and plant fibers and syn­thet­ic man­made fibers in order to main­tain the prop­er trop­i­cal atmos­phere around my skin. This morn­ing I dis­cov­ered a bump on my head that I must have obtained last night whilst wrestling after the Super­bowl. Call me Klutz­mael. Goto bluishorange.com. This lady is refresh­ment. Empathize with her. I need to work on my envy prob­lem. I need a Muse. If i stop wor­ry­ing about my prob­lems they cease to become prob­lems right? I learned the basic steps of Sal­sa today and in the process just rein­forced my knowl­edge that I have rhythm like a fat man’s heart­beat.

Sucked Ass

Today has sucked ass again. I must have the largest self-esteem prob­lem in the world. That and I get a swollen eye and rug­burn across the face because I said “How does it feel to be from Mis­souri now?” when the Rams lost the Super­bowl. Women are attract­ed to my nin­com­poop room­mate in droves, I think he has 4 or 5 right now…whereas any­time I try I just end up shoot­ing myself in the foot or feet or even blow off an appendage. Fuck Me. I miss my boys from back home. I always had a good time with them. I have a lot of pent up aggres­sion that I have been unable to relieve through fenc­ing. Since I am not a phys­i­cal­ly vio­lent per­son I can’t beat the shit out of some­one. Mebbe I am striv­ing against a force much more pow­er­ful than myself. God, Fate, Murphy’s Law, the Ever­last­ing Gob­sta­cle? I should just give up on it and resign myself to being single…maybe I’ll become a priest…

The Beginning

Ahhh! Escape! I got off cam­pus last night and I think that is just what I need­ed. You can go slow­ly insane with­out even notic­ing it around here. As usu­al I am still hav­ing trou­ble with a social exis­tence at ND. This place is like junior high school, only even more grotesque since we are all old­er and risk more in our rela­tion­ships. Per­haps that is why I have such trou­ble find­ing some­one that is a fit for me. This sounds arro­gant, but I think I have a bet­ter idea of what it means to be in a rela­tion­ship than many peo­ple do here. Any­way, I went over to Steve’s place and we got his new com­put­er up and run­ning and watched Ground­hog Day. It was fun­ny to go into his apart­ment com­plex and see the only row of apart­ments with pow­er as his. We had this big ice storm… The Fenc­ing team is in Col­orado, I wish I were with them. I miss bout­ing and it would pro­vide a bet­ter escape from my shal­low, child­like, and incon­tro­vert­ibly obliv­i­ous room­mate. I guess last night he was brag­ging about how he hooked up with three girls in a 24 hour peri­od. So I guess that makes him dirty too. What a com­plete ass. Today I am going to do a sim­ple 5shot excer­cise for my Film Pro­duc­tion class. It shouldn’t take much more than a half hour or so to film and edit­ing prob­a­bly an hour… We also have to plan out a silent nar­ra­tive for Wednesday’s class. Things are get­ting rollin’ and about damn time. I’m hun­gry.

Anyone?

how much are peo­ple will­ing to give of them­selves? are the major­i­ty sat­is­fied with super­fi­cial­i­ty? it is a lone­ly world if noone wants to be there for you. it must be even lone­li­er if you do not want to be there for any­one else. dif­fer­ent masks for dif­fer­ent tasks, i’m a dif­fer­ent per­son around dif­fer­ent peo­ple, so which is the real me? it is hard to be omni-nat­u­rae if you feel like a lusus nat­u­rae. (Nota Bene: i don’t know latin). how do i define myself among a group of peo­ple to whom inter­nal decon­struc­tion is mean­ing­less? i can only ana­lyze my exis­tence up to a cer­tain point before i need some­one to dia­logue with. i do not exist alone, although i am a lon­er. some­times i for­get how to be in a pack…

is there any­body out there?