A Further Examination of Beard Oil & Its Ramifications

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Way back in September of 2013, I wrote a post about what it was like to lose my beard oil vir­gin­ity. I’ve come a fair dis­tance since Beard Oil & Its Ramifications, and I thought this might be a good time to re­visit the is­sue. My beard is not as frig­gin’ huge as it was back in September. My beard is like a bram­ble patch, and I’m still in the process of fig­ur­ing out if there’s a low-has­sle way to mit­i­gate that. I don’t re­ally mind hav­ing a face that looks like there’s a pu­bic bush grow­ing out of it, as long as I can keep my chin-hedge prop­erly clipped.

Beard oil doesn’t help with that. I have dis­cov­ered that I like how it changes the feel of the beard, and I am very in­trigued by the scent pos­si­bil­i­ties. It should be clear that in gen­eral, I’m cheap, and I’m picky. Know that be­fore read­ing on. I’ve done a bit of re­search, and here’s what I’ve tried out so far:

Queen Bee Trading Company All Natural Beard Oil

My friend Jerika rec­om­mended this one to me, at $10 (plus ship­ping) it’s about as in­ex­pen­sive as you can find beard oil, and it has a pleas­ant but unas­sum­ing woodsy scent. I’ve been us­ing it as my daily beard oil, and it’s done the job very well. You can also place a cus­tom or­der re­quest and get pretty much any scent you’d care for. The or­der came with a sam­ple of the cof­fee-scented oil, and I was a big fan.

Odin Spiced Mead Beard Oil by Bath Sabbath

By far the brand clos­est to my black heart. Everything Bath Sabbath makes is metal-themed, and they’ve got bitchin’ graphic de­sign. I couldn’t pass up try­ing their Odin beard oil ($10 plus ship­ping). If you like sweeter & more flo­ral scents for your beard, a stronger scent, or a beard oil that’s a bit thicker than stan­dard, make a run for this. Spiced Mead is right on for the de­scrip­tion. Think wild­flower honey, drink­ing from mead horns while out­side, in the dark, some­thing slavers. I was con­tacted by the pro­pri­etor af­ter leav­ing my Etsy re­view, and she said she’d send me a sam­ple of her up­com­ing Cernunnos scent.

Tree Ranger Beard Oil by Beardbrand

I just re­cently re­ceived this beard oil, and though it’s nor­mally out of my price range ($25 plus ship­ping) I got a good deal on it from Huckberry. I like its woodsy scent, the cedar­wood & pinewood es­sen­tial oils are a good combo, but it’s def­i­nitely less vis­cous (it ar­rived frozen) than any other oil I’ve tried, and doesn’t come with a drop­per. This means it is get­ting used up re­ally fast. Unless you’re su­per picky about the types of oil used and its sourcing, you can get a sim­i­lar pro­duct for sig­nif­i­cantly less in a va­ri­ety of places.

The Carpenter by Dream Beard

This was one of the sam­ples that I got in my first at­tempt at beard oil­ing. It was my fa­vorite, so I bought a proper bot­tle ($15 plus ship­ping). The name is spot on. It smells like a wood­shop. What’s not to like about that?

The Gentleman’s Beard Grooming Kit by First Olympian

I felt like I took a big gam­ble with this, but it def­i­nitely paid off. This amaz­ing groom­ing kit (£94) came with 4 travel-sized oils (Hermes, Ares, Zeus, Eros), trim­ming shears, and a badass wooden comb. Each of the oils smell good enough to eat, and kind of leave every­thing else I’ve re­viewed so far in the dust. Seriously the best stuff I’ve tried. I’ll have to use it par­si­mo­niously.


I knew I needed a de­cent wood comb for the beard, the Conair comb I’ve been us­ing for my hair for a bil­lion years ain’t got what it takes to clear a swath through my tan­gle, and I wanted some­thing wooden to ab­sorb the ex­cess oil. I bought a cheap neem wood comb from Amazon and it’s done a great job. I wanted to find some­thing a bit bet­ter qual­ity and made in the USA, if pos­si­ble. All I could scrounge up at the time was Sierra Legacy Hardwood Combs. What I got was a great comb, but not for my beard. Now I’ve stum­bled across a few other beard comb op­tions, but haven’t picked any­thing yet.

Beard Oil & Its Ramifications

Friday, 6 September 2013

So, beard oil is a thing that ex­ists. I was in­trigued that, thus im­parted to me, in fact, some peo­ple oil their beards. The first thing I dis­cov­ered is that beard oil is fuck­ing ex­pen­sive. The next thing I dis­cov­ered is that mak­ing your own is only a mod­icum less fuck­ing ex­pen­sive. Dismayed but not daunted, I fi­nally came across Dream Beard Oils and felt com­fort­able drop­ping $12 for 4 dif­fer­ent sam­ples.

Be pre­pared: oil­ing your beard feels deca­dent, friv­o­lous and af­fected. This will not be a prob­lem for those who as­pire to lom­bardy due to style con­sid­er­a­tions, but is a bit un­com­fort­able to those of us who are in­stinc­tu­ally pre­dis­posed to face fur.

You don’t use much, per­haps 10 drops for a full beard. Your beard doesn’t get oily. I used more oil on my chin than else­where. I im­me­di­ately no­ticed a change in both the albedo and grit of my beard as well as a sooth­ing of the un­der­ly­ing skin, a balm I wasn’t aware was needed. I an­tic­i­pate a con­comi­tant de­crease in sta­tic charge dur­ing cold dry win­ter.

I as­sume that, in ad­di­tion to keep­ing the skin healthy, the oil on the beard pre­vents the skin from los­ing fur­ther mois­ture to the hair.

If you don’t feel the ne­ces­sity of as­crib­ing to the use of rare oils and sundry tinc­tures that add cost and scent but provide du­bi­ous ef­fi­cacy, buy­ing a nice high-grade food oil like grape­seed oil will do the trick and be much cheaper.

I am scent ag­nos­tic at this point. I am not a cologne or af­ter­shave man, but a light nat­u­ral scent to my beard does ap­peal. I could just as eas­ily go with some­thing un­scented. I think that the oc­ca­sional heav­ier oil­ing and then groom­ing with a semi-porous nat­u­ral-ma­te­rial comb (wood, prob­a­bly) would also be ben­e­fi­cial. Eventually enough oil would sat­u­rate the comb that a light run-through would even do the trick.

A bit about the scents from the Dream Beard sam­pler:

  • “Bearded Barber” has a pre­dom­i­nantly as­trin­gent tea tree scent. Perhaps a hint of flower. The smell fades within a cou­ple of hours, and is not strong to be­gin with.
  • “Mechanic” is patchouli. I’m guess­ing this choice was made be­cause me­chan­ics and hip­pies are both greasy? Not gonna use this one again.
  • “Lumberjack” smells piney. Imagine or­ganic Pine-Sol or a free-range, ver­ti­cally farmed car air fresh­ener from “Repo Man” and you get the idea.
  • “Carpenter” has a pleas­ant wood smell, but isn’t im­me­di­ately iden­ti­fi­able. I like it the best.

After a few days of use my beard is a no­tice­ably less wretched tan­gle, and my skin no­tice­ably health­ier.

Still feels stu­pid though.

Beard Accident

Monday, 10 February 2003

–Why are things like this re­ported?

Honestly, it serves only as an ex­pli­ca­tion of cul­tural val­ues in­stead of any­thing re­motely health-re­lated. It is also far too nar­row, deal­ing only with Welsh men. Now, they men­tion that so­cial fac­tors are prob­a­bly the cause of a ma­jor­ity of the dis­eases, ap­par­ently be­cause men that don’t shave reg­u­larly are blue col­lar work­ers that don’t get any. But this is im­me­di­ately dis­missed in fa­vor of the ev­i­dence for shav­ing. and ap­par­ently, not shav­ing reg­u­larly fucks up the testos­terone lev­els which in turn leads to stroke. ex­cuse me, but a beard grows whether or not you shave it. and the lack of sex is most def­i­nitely due to mate ap­pearence pref­er­ences rather than any­thing to do with the phys­i­ol­ogy of fa­cial hair. if a girl doesn’t like fa­cial hair she won’t sleep with you. if fa­cial hair messes up sex­ual viril­ity Homo sapi­ens sapi­ens would have died out long be­fore the first ra­zor. how can peo­ple get 20 years of fund­ing for this when an artist or in­de­pen­dent film­maker has to kiss pim­ply ass and jump through flam­ing hoops blind­folded just to get the chance to ask for money. Stuff like the above ar­ti­cle will de­stroy the world.

why am i so emo­tion­ally in­volved? well, i do have fa­cial hair. i do not get any, and i would much rather think that it is be­cause girls don’t like fa­cial hair rather than the idea that hair makes me im­po­tent. was it not a sign of po­tency back in the day? also the NEA gets axed while 20 year stud­ies on shav­ing get plenty of fund­ing. yeah, the NEA was a US thing and this was in Britain, but they are most def­i­nitely re­lated phe­nom­e­non.


not two min­utes ago af­ter go­ing to the bath­room to trim said fa­cial hair, the elec­tric trim­mer slipped from its se­lected trim­ming length and be­fore i knew it i had taken quite a chunk out of my beard. i had to trim it al­most to obliv­ion. po­etic jus­tice my ass.