A Further Examination of Beard Oil & Its Ramifications

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Way back in September of 2013, I wrote a post about what it was like to lose my beard oil vir­gin­i­ty. I’ve come a fair dis­tance since Beard Oil & Its Ramifications, and I thought this might be a good time to re­vis­it the is­sue. My beard is not as frig­gin’ huge as it was back in September. My beard is like a bram­ble patch, and I’m still in the process of fig­ur­ing out if there’s a low-has­sle way to mit­i­gate that. I don’t re­al­ly mind hav­ing a face that looks like there’s a pu­bic bush grow­ing out of it, as long as I can keep my chin-hedge prop­er­ly clipped.

Beard oil doesn’t help with that. I have dis­cov­ered that I like how it changes the feel of the beard, and I am very in­trigued by the scent pos­si­bil­i­ties. It should be clear that in gen­er­al, I’m cheap, and I’m picky. Know that be­fore read­ing on. I’ve done a bit of re­search, and here’s what I’ve tried out so far:

Queen Bee Trading Company All Natural Beard Oil

My friend Jerika rec­om­mend­ed this one to me, at $10 (plus ship­ping) it’s about as in­ex­pen­sive as you can find beard oil, and it has a pleas­ant but unas­sum­ing woodsy scent. I’ve been us­ing it as my dai­ly beard oil, and it’s done the job very well. You can al­so place a cus­tom or­der re­quest and get pret­ty much any scent you’d care for. The or­der came with a sam­ple of the cof­fee-scent­ed oil, and I was a big fan.

Odin Spiced Mead Beard Oil by Bath Sabbath

By far the brand clos­est to my black heart. Everything Bath Sabbath makes is met­al-themed, and they’ve got bitchin’ graph­ic de­sign. I couldn’t pass up try­ing their Odin beard oil ($10 plus ship­ping). If you like sweet­er & more flo­ral scents for your beard, a stronger scent, or a beard oil that’s a bit thick­er than stan­dard, make a run for this. Spiced Mead is right on for the de­scrip­tion. Think wild­flower hon­ey, drink­ing from mead horns while out­side, in the dark, some­thing slavers. I was con­tact­ed by the pro­pri­etor af­ter leav­ing my Etsy re­view, and she said she’d send me a sam­ple of her up­com­ing Cernunnos scent.

Tree Ranger Beard Oil by Beardbrand

I just re­cent­ly re­ceived this beard oil, and though it’s nor­mal­ly out of my price range ($25 plus ship­ping) I got a good deal on it from Huckberry. I like its woodsy scent, the cedar­wood & pinewood es­sen­tial oils are a good com­bo, but it’s def­i­nite­ly less vis­cous (it ar­rived frozen) than any oth­er oil I’ve tried, and doesn’t come with a drop­per. This means it is get­ting used up re­al­ly fast. Unless you’re su­per picky about the types of oil used and its sourc­ing, you can get a sim­i­lar prod­uct for sig­nif­i­cant­ly less in a va­ri­ety of places.

The Carpenter by Dream Beard

This was one of the sam­ples that I got in my first at­tempt at beard oil­ing. It was my fa­vorite, so I bought a prop­er bot­tle ($15 plus ship­ping). The name is spot on. It smells like a wood­shop. What’s not to like about that?

The Gentleman’s Beard Grooming Kit by First Olympian

I felt like I took a big gam­ble with this, but it def­i­nite­ly paid off. This amaz­ing groom­ing kit (£94) came with 4 trav­el-sized oils (Hermes, Ares, Zeus, Eros), trim­ming shears, and a badass wood­en comb. Each of the oils smell good enough to eat, and kind of leave every­thing else I’ve re­viewed so far in the dust. Seriously the best stuff I’ve tried. I’ll have to use it par­si­mo­nious­ly.


I knew I need­ed a de­cent wood comb for the beard, the Conair comb I’ve been us­ing for my hair for a bil­lion years ain’t got what it takes to clear a swath through my tan­gle, and I want­ed some­thing wood­en to ab­sorb the ex­cess oil. I bought a cheap neem wood comb from Amazon and it’s done a great job. I want­ed to find some­thing a bit bet­ter qual­i­ty and made in the USA, if pos­si­ble. All I could scrounge up at the time was Sierra Legacy Hardwood Combs. What I got was a great comb, but not for my beard. Now I’ve stum­bled across a few oth­er beard comb op­tions, but haven’t picked any­thing yet.

Beard Oil & Its Ramifications

Friday, 6 September 2013

So, beard oil is a thing that ex­ists. I was in­trigued that, thus im­part­ed to me, in fact, some peo­ple oil their beards. The first thing I dis­cov­ered is that beard oil is fuck­ing ex­pen­sive. The next thing I dis­cov­ered is that mak­ing your own is on­ly a mod­icum less fuck­ing ex­pen­sive. Dismayed but not daunt­ed, I fi­nal­ly came across Dream Beard Oils and felt com­fort­able drop­ping $12 for 4 dif­fer­ent sam­ples.

Be pre­pared: oil­ing your beard feels deca­dent, friv­o­lous and af­fect­ed. This will not be a prob­lem for those who as­pire to lom­bardy due to style con­sid­er­a­tions, but is a bit un­com­fort­able to those of us who are in­stinc­tu­al­ly pre­dis­posed to face fur.

You don’t use much, per­haps 10 drops for a full beard. Your beard doesn’t get oily. I used more oil on my chin than else­where. I im­me­di­ate­ly no­ticed a change in both the albe­do and grit of my beard as well as a sooth­ing of the un­der­ly­ing skin, a balm I wasn’t aware was need­ed. I an­tic­i­pate a con­comi­tant de­crease in sta­t­ic charge dur­ing cold dry win­ter.

I as­sume that, in ad­di­tion to keep­ing the skin healthy, the oil on the beard pre­vents the skin from los­ing fur­ther mois­ture to the hair.

If you don’t feel the ne­ces­si­ty of as­crib­ing to the use of rare oils and sundry tinc­tures that add cost and scent but pro­vide du­bi­ous ef­fi­ca­cy, buy­ing a nice high-grade food oil like grape­seed oil will do the trick and be much cheap­er.

I am scent ag­nos­tic at this point. I am not a cologne or af­ter­shave man, but a light nat­ur­al scent to my beard does ap­peal. I could just as eas­i­ly go with some­thing un­scent­ed. I think that the oc­ca­sion­al heav­ier oil­ing and then groom­ing with a se­mi-porous nat­ur­al-ma­te­r­i­al comb (wood, prob­a­bly) would al­so be ben­e­fi­cial. Eventually enough oil would sat­u­rate the comb that a light run-through would even do the trick.

A bit about the scents from the Dream Beard sam­pler:

  • “Bearded Barber” has a pre­dom­i­nant­ly as­trin­gent tea tree scent. Perhaps a hint of flower. The smell fades with­in a cou­ple of hours, and is not strong to be­gin with.
  • “Mechanic” is patchouli. I’m guess­ing this choice was made be­cause me­chan­ics and hip­pies are both greasy? Not gonna use this one again.
  • “Lumberjack” smells piney. Imagine or­gan­ic Pine-Sol or a free-range, ver­ti­cal­ly farmed car air fresh­en­er from “Repo Man” and you get the idea.
  • “Carpenter” has a pleas­ant wood smell, but isn’t im­me­di­ate­ly iden­ti­fi­able. I like it the best.

After a few days of use my beard is a no­tice­ably less wretched tan­gle, and my skin no­tice­ably health­i­er.

Still feels stu­pid though.

Beard Accident

Monday, 10 February 2003

-Why are things like this re­port­ed?

Honestly, it serves on­ly as an ex­pli­ca­tion of cul­tur­al val­ues in­stead of any­thing re­mote­ly health-re­lat­ed. It is al­so far too nar­row, deal­ing on­ly with Welsh men. Now, they men­tion that so­cial fac­tors are prob­a­bly the cause of a ma­jor­i­ty of the dis­eases, ap­par­ent­ly be­cause men that don’t shave reg­u­lar­ly are blue col­lar work­ers that don’t get any. But this is im­me­di­ate­ly dis­missed in fa­vor of the ev­i­dence for shav­ing. and ap­par­ent­ly, not shav­ing reg­u­lar­ly fucks up the testos­terone lev­els which in turn leads to stroke. ex­cuse me, but a beard grows whether or not you shave it. and the lack of sex is most def­i­nite­ly due to mate ap­pearence pref­er­ences rather than any­thing to do with the phys­i­ol­o­gy of fa­cial hair. if a girl doesn’t like fa­cial hair she won’t sleep with you. if fa­cial hair mess­es up sex­u­al viril­i­ty Homo sapi­ens sapi­ens would have died out long be­fore the first ra­zor. how can peo­ple get 20 years of fund­ing for this when an artist or in­de­pen­dent film­mak­er has to kiss pim­ply ass and jump through flam­ing hoops blind­fold­ed just to get the chance to ask for mon­ey. Stuff like the above ar­ti­cle will de­stroy the world.

why am i so emo­tion­al­ly in­volved? well, i do have fa­cial hair. i do not get any, and i would much rather think that it is be­cause girls don’t like fa­cial hair rather than the idea that hair makes me im­po­tent. was it not a sign of po­ten­cy back in the day? al­so the NEA gets axed while 20 year stud­ies on shav­ing get plen­ty of fund­ing. yeah, the NEA was a US thing and this was in Britain, but they are most def­i­nite­ly re­lat­ed phe­nom­e­non.


not two min­utes ago af­ter go­ing to the bath­room to trim said fa­cial hair, the elec­tric trim­mer slipped from its se­lect­ed trim­ming length and be­fore i knew it i had tak­en quite a chunk out of my beard. i had to trim it al­most to obliv­ion. po­et­ic jus­tice my ass.