Felis mar­i­nus

Wednesday, 18 June 2003

[Cat sits in a bird­bath
empty ex­cept for the cat]

Roll your

nine striped tail

and blink ? one eye slower

than the other.

A ship­wreck if a red­bird
comes bathing and finds
you in­stead of bath­wa­ter.

Swagger and turn,
wind in jaunty
tail. Close your
last var­nished eye.

Put har­poon teeth away,
swab fur clean,
stretch your sail tightly.

Catnap. Invent
bathing bright
car­di­nals, or bat
down a nuthatch.

[Cat sleeps in a bird­bath
empty ex­cept for the cat

- and dreams of ma­rooned birds].

6 Ways to Skin a Cat

Wednesday, 26 March 2003

The Direct Approach

  1. Kill Cat.
  2. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.

Corollary: That shirt looks very be­com­ing on you, and if I were on you I’d be com­ing too.*

The Indirect Approach

  1. Obtain kit­ten.
  2. Raise kit­ten into cat.
  3. Provide food, toys, vet­eri­nary as­sis­tance, at­ten­tion, love.
  4. Wait un­til cat dies.
  5. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.

Corollary: Let her make the first move. Implode.*

The Athletic Approach

  1. Kill cat with golf club.
  2. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.
  4. Gut cat.
  5. Take catgut and make ten­nis racket.
  6. Remove head of cat.
  7. Use as ten­nis ball.

Corollary: (flex­ing) Have you seen the weight­room? Nevermind, I’ll find it.*

The Gourmet Approach

  1. Purchase healthy pure­bred Persian.
  2. Smother with 10M (mo­lar) Trichloromethane (chlo­ro­form).
  3. Boil 10 gal­lons wa­ter.
  4. Boil Persian in wa­ter for 8 hours.
  5. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.
  7. Have skin made into ta­ble runner/​trivet.
  8. Boil cat into stew with lentils and long-grain rice.
  9. Serve with but­ter-glazed sweet­rolls on ta­ble trimmed with cat skin.

An op­tional New Year’s Day meal. Cat is the new pork.

Corollary: You are my sun, moon, and stars. You are my breath, sight, and life. Each taste, each touch, is noth­ing com­pared to the gift that is you. I would gladly sac­ri­fice my goals, as­pi­ra­tions and soul just to get into your pants… shit!*

The Humane Approach

  1. Find feral cat with fe­line HIV or fe­line leukemia.
  2. Have cat put down.
  3. Send cat to taxi­der­mist.
  4. Taxidermist will make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  5. Peel.

Corollary: Set promis­cu­ous girl up with horny friend. She’ll get stuffed.*

The Anarchist Approach

  1. Bury cat up to neck in back­yard.
  2. Fire up rid­ing lawn­mower.
  3. Mow back­yard.
  4. Get post­hole dig­ger.
  5. Remove cat.
  6. Make in­ci­sion from throat to rump.
  7. Gut cat.
  8. Fill cav­ity with black pow­der.
  9. Light cat’s tail.
  10. Throw at near­est gov­ern­men­tal build­ing.

Corollary: Club her on the head and drag her by her hair into your apartment/​cave.*

*does not work well.