Felis marinus

Wednesday, 18 June 2003

[Cat sits in a birdbath
empty except for the cat]

Roll your

nine striped tail

and blink ? one eye slower

than the other.

A shipwreck if a redbird
comes bathing and finds
you instead of bathwater.

Swagger and turn,
wind in jaunty
tail. Close your
last varnished eye.

Put harpoon teeth away,
swab fur clean,
stretch your sail tightly.

Catnap. Invent
bathing bright
cardinals, or bat
down a nuthatch.

[Cat sleeps in a birdbath
empty except for the cat

- and dreams of marooned birds].

6 Ways to Skin a Cat

Wednesday, 26 March 2003

The Direct Approach

  1. Kill Cat.
  2. Make incision from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.

Corollary: That shirt looks very becoming on you, and if I were on you I’d be coming too.*

The Indirect Approach

  1. Obtain kitten.
  2. Raise kitten into cat.
  3. Provide food, toys, veterinary assistance, attention, love.
  4. Wait until cat dies.
  5. Make incision from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.

Corollary: Let her make the first move. Implode.*

The Athletic Approach

  1. Kill cat with golf club.
  2. Make incision from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.
  4. Gut cat.
  5. Take catgut and make tennis racket.
  6. Remove head of cat.
  7. Use as tennis ball.

Corollary: (flexing) Have you seen the weightroom? Nevermind, I’ll find it.*

The Gourmet Approach

  1. Purchase healthy purebred Persian.
  2. Smother with 10M (molar) Trichloromethane (chloroform).
  3. Boil 10 gallons water.
  4. Boil Persian in water for 8 hours.
  5. Make incision from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.
  7. Have skin made into table runner/​trivet.
  8. Boil cat into stew with lentils and long-​grain rice.
  9. Serve with butter-​glazed sweetrolls on table trimmed with cat skin.

An optional New Year’s Day meal. Cat is the new pork.

Corollary: You are my sun, moon, and stars. You are my breath, sight, and life. Each taste, each touch, is nothing compared to the gift that is you. I would gladly sacrifice my goals, aspirations and soul just to get into your pants… shit!*

The Humane Approach

  1. Find feral cat with feline HIV or feline leukemia.
  2. Have cat put down.
  3. Send cat to taxidermist.
  4. Taxidermist will make incision from throat to rump.
  5. Peel.

Corollary: Set promiscuous girl up with horny friend. She’ll get stuffed.*

The Anarchist Approach

  1. Bury cat up to neck in backyard.
  2. Fire up riding lawnmower.
  3. Mow backyard.
  4. Get posthole digger.
  5. Remove cat.
  6. Make incision from throat to rump.
  7. Gut cat.
  8. Fill cavity with black powder.
  9. Light cat’s tail.
  10. Throw at nearest governmental building.

Corollary: Club her on the head and drag her by her hair into your apartment/​cave.*

*does not work well.